Save me from the addict I’m with

Readers Question Readers Question: (Name changed for privacy)
Stanton Peele Response by: Dr. Stanton Peele
Posted on February 1st, 2011 - Last updated: January 31st, 2014
This content was written in accordance with our Editorial Guidelines.

One thing I have learned from my Website is that many women tolerate long periods of abuse from men, often excusing them because of their addictions.  Here are three examples I received in the last few days.  The letters are often long and disorganized as they recount depredation after depredation at the hands of their spouse.  They ask whether they should leave the man.  I feedback what they have told me, or sometimes simply say, “Dump him.”   What do you think the chances are that they follow my advice?

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I am writing because I have an alcoholic boyfriend. We are split up and I am carrying his child. We started to date 2 years ago. He said, “I knew who he was when we met!” (Loved his drinking). I grew up in an alcoholic environment. Left home, joined the military and went to college. I was married for 13 years to a man that I can say was a narcicist, controlled me and demeaned me. We divorced because I found out of his infidelity.

My current situation is confusing. His family says, “There is nothing you can do and to just let it go.” I had him arrested because he was bringing me home after I did something that is still unclear. I was hit and thought it to be intentional because he was screaming at me to shut up the whole time he was speeding and had the stereo in his truck all the way up. When I leaned down to turn it off is when I got hit. He said he must of did it when he threw his hands up in the air. I know I can’t save him, that he has a disease by choice and he will have to die from it or realize it on his own. In my eyes it is so easy for him to move on. He told me not to give the child his last name and to find someone else to parent the child. I told him that the child will have his last name and no one else will take on his responsibility. He called the other night because he is always broke and told me he was drinking rubbing alcohol for the pain in his body, that it doesn’t kill Indians and to basically not to think of anything. This is his pattern.

My question is, I have to make a victim impact statement report. Do I tell the courts about the rubbing alcohol. I am very concerned where as everyone else turns a blind eye. At this point I don’t care if he hates me for the rest of his life but I would feel bad if something happened to him without me trying to intervene. He says his family and friends hate me already. I have so much that I have earned from life and he has so much debt. I am guilty of supporting his drinking habit (and him completely) then so he would be happy with me. I am ashamed that I didn’t just get rid of it when we had an incident 6 months into the relationship. He then swore he was an alcoholic and wouldn’t do it again. Only for us to do the circle.



I will first tell you a bit about my situation. I have been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend for four years. When I first met him he was honest enough to tell me he had a crack addiction earlier in his life but worked hard to over come it. In the beginning of our relationship it was wonderful but as time went on the signs that he was doing the drug again become apparent. He always did his best to hide it from me and was very secretive.

Now he is disappearing for days on end without any contact with me. He went so far as to bring it in our house and do it right in front of me recently because he said i was so nosey about it so he would just show me what it was all about. He has had a good steady job up until two days ago. He just didn’t show up or call or anything. At one time he seemed as if he could maintain his addiction along with daily functions but that has shown to be a major problem for him now. He gets very verbally abusive when he is on the drug. He denies wanting my help when he is doing crack but when he comes off and doesn’t do it for awhile he is very regretful and sorry.

I dont know what to do or if there is even anything i can do. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.


Dear Stanton,

My husband is an ex-con who just got out. He promised me that he was going to quite the old life he had and concentrate on us. Well, he didn’t come straight home when he got out of jail. He waited a week later then he said that he was home to stay but he left and i have not heard from him. He said that he cared about me and that he was going to be here for me but I haven’t heard from him. I don’t know what to do? Should I go ahead file for divorce and go on with my life? I don’t want to give up but neither do I want to just hold on if it is not any more us.

Mrs. C

Stanton Peele

Dr. Stanton Peele, recognized as one of the world's leading addiction experts, developed the Life Process Program after decades of research, writing, and treatment about and for people with addictions. Dr. Peele is the author of 14 books. His work has been published in leading professional journals and popular publications around the globe.

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