Abstinence from Alcohol: Does it Always Make Life Better?
Stanton:
I had a husband (now an ex) who was a longtime user of alcohol and pot. He was a genial soul when inebriated but became quite angry when he quit—or rather, when I forced him to quit because I was afraid it would kill him. He became so angry that we are no longer a couple.
My brother described a Chief of Police in the town where he lives who became an angry terror when he was forced to sober up.
I recently had a young couple I bailed out of jail stay with us until his court appearance. The young man became angrier and angrier. He said he badly wanted to get high and that he remembered how happy he was as a kid—how nothing got to him, and he was always high.
And my own son, who started secretly drinking when he was very young, recently told me that he drinks because he loves everybody when he’s slightly drunk. But when he’s sober, he hates everyone.
What is going on here?
Something common to all four?
Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth:
Elizabeth, you’ve hit on a reality that gets lost in most conversations about addiction: for many people, drinking or drug use serves a function. If substances didn’t provide relief, people wouldn’t use them. And when that coping mechanism is taken away, it doesn’t magically solve the underlying problems—it often exposes them.
Why Would an Alcohol Addict Hate Abstinence?
Most people assume that once someone quits drinking, their life should automatically improve. But your examples suggest otherwise—these men became angrier, not happier. Why? Because they relied on alcohol or drugs to regulate their emotions, suppress insecurities, or maintain a social identity. Take that away, and they’re left with the very issues that led them to drink in the first place.
Social Stigma and Exclusion
One overlooked reason people struggle with abstinence is that being a non-drinker isolates them socially. Alcohol plays a central role in many friendships, professional gatherings, and family rituals. When someone stops drinking, they often lose their sense of belonging—and that loss can be unsettling.
Your son’s comment is telling: he loves everyone when he’s drinking, but hates them when he’s sober. That suggests that alcohol isn’t just a substance to him—it’s a social lubricant, a tool that makes connection easier. Without it, he feels disconnected. That’s a real and painful struggle.
Alcohol Can’t Be Used as a Distraction
Substance use often numbs emotional pain. When someone quits cold turkey, they don’t just lose the substance; they lose their way of avoiding uncomfortable emotions. If a person hasn’t developed alternative ways to process feelings, they can quickly become overwhelmed by anger, frustration, or sadness.
Take the young man who stayed with you before his court date—he said he was happiest as a kid because he was “always high.” That suggests that his substance use wasn’t just recreational—it was a way of managing stress and numbing distress. Once that crutch was removed, he had to sit with emotions he wasn’t equipped to handle.
What You Can Do to Help a Loved One Struggling with Alcohol Abstinence
Understanding why a person struggles with sobriety is one thing, but how can you help? The knee-jerk response is often to push abstinence as the ultimate goal, but that’s not always realistic or necessary.
Is Zero Alcohol Always a Realistic Option?
For some people, lifelong abstinence may be the best choice. But for others, the focus should be on healthy, controlled drinking rather than total prohibition. If someone drinks to self-medicate anxiety, for example, the solution isn’t just to eliminate alcohol—it’s to find healthier ways to manage stress.
This is why I’ve long argued against rigid, abstinence-only recovery models. People need more than just a command to “stop drinking”—they need a plan for how to function without alcohol.
Is the Abstinence Model Good or Even Effective?
The problem with the abstinence-only approach is that it assumes drinking itself is the issue, rather than asking why a person drinks in the first place. Your husband didn’t become angry when he quit drinking because alcohol was making him a better person—it’s because he had underlying emotional struggles that alcohol had been covering up.
This is why forcing someone into abstinence often backfires. If a person hasn’t developed alternative coping skills, removing alcohol simply strips away their support system without replacing it. They don’t become “better”—they just become lost, anxious, or angry.
Why is Alcohol Abstinence Assumed to be the Only Way?
Mainstream addiction treatment tells people they must commit to total abstinence for life. But is that actually necessary for everyone? Many people successfully moderate their drinking once they’ve addressed the real issues driving their substance use.
Rather than focusing solely on “not drinking,” the more effective approach is to help people build a fulfilling life where they don’t feel the need to rely on substances. When people have meaningful relationships, purpose, and healthy coping mechanisms, alcohol becomes far less important—whether they drink occasionally or not at all.
Final Thoughts
Elizabeth, your question is crucial because it challenges simplistic ideas about addiction and recovery. Instead of assuming that alcohol is the root of the problem, we should be asking:
- What role did alcohol play in this person’s life?
- What underlying issues were being numbed or avoided?
- How can they develop new ways to regulate emotions, connect socially, and manage stress?
Only when we start thinking this way can we truly help people move beyond addiction—not by forcing them into abstinence, but by helping them build lives that are worth staying present for.
Stanton
PS. The classic statement of the negative consequences of abstinence for the problem drinker/alcoholic is D.L. Gerard, G. Saenger, & R. Wile, 1962, “The abstinent alcoholic” Archives of General Psychiatry 6:83-95. While somewhat dated, it remains a fascinating piece of research.
See Also:
- The Evolution of Harm Reduction in America: How the disease theory stopped progress
- Sobriety is Modern Temperance
- Setting Boundaries in Relationships as Key in Recovery
- How to Think Like a Moderate Drinker