Addiction to watching sports

Dear Stanton,

In a family where every game day is sacred and skipping a match is akin to high treason, I’ve started to wonder where passion ends and addiction begins. My partner’s mood swings with the fate of his favorite team, and our weekends are dictated by match schedules.

It’s reached a point where our social life and even our personal relationship seem to take a backseat to sports. I love the enthusiasm but can’t help feeling sidelined. I find myself in a very similar situation to Heather.

How do we find a balance that keeps the joy of the game alive without letting it overshadow our life together?

Warm regards,

A Concerned Partner

NOTE: This FAQ has been generated with AI assistance. The response from Dr Peele is entirely his own work.

Dear Concerned,

The difference that you describe between men’s and women’s interest in sports is, shall we say, oft-noted.

Is that a disease — or more accurately an addiction — on men’s parts?

Or is it one of those man-woman differences that we note with a smile and accommodate to?

Couldn’t we ask that question about a number of differences people encounter in intimate relationships?

What to deplore, see a therapist about, or call in a medical team for.

Here are three criteria to help you think about it. (Okay, Concerned — I’m just redoing what you yourself wrote.)

1. “Skipping a match is akin to high treason.” Do you have children? Does this match fixation include not going places or playing with them weekends? And for how many matches is this true? Every week or more frequently or just key matches (or playoff games)? In other words, is this an intense personal interest or a preoccupation that rules out fundamental activities or relationships in life?
2. “My partner’s mood swings with the fate of his favorite team, and our weekends are dictated by match schedules.” Is his team his primary emotional focus in life — more than you, children, other relatives, work, other interests (exercise, entertainments such as movies)? Putting it that way does suggest a problem, doesn’t it? As in “He loves his sports more than his family, me or life itself.”
3. “Our social life and even our personal relationship seem to take a backseat to sports. I love the enthusiasm but can’t help feeling sidelined.” You yourself seem focused on the above issue, Concerned. What if the thing he turned to and seemed more concerned with than you was pot, alcohol, gambling (which can be part of sports viewing), pornography? That might pretty readily be identified as a problem, or an addiction. Don’t the same criteria apply here too?

You then ask the key question for remediation, don’t you Concerned?

How do we find a balance that keeps the joy of the game alive without letting it overshadow our life together?

How about if we build that into three guidelines, not only for analytical purposes, but for your life together?

1. Limit the sports viewing to specific times and events, and set aside time for those. Perhaps even become involved yourself, or perhaps the kids (or some of them) might enjoy it too. Say one big match a week or tournament or championship or playoff games.
2. Prevent the sports viewing from interfering with other events or relationships. In other words, it should be clear between you that certain types of events take precedence over games. Or that certain activities should be built in around games viewing. These might include outings on game weekends — like taking the children out for breakfast or a hike before games. And deferring sports viewing for special key events — you know, children’s recitals, family gatherings, graduations. (Okay, he might sneak a peek to learn the score but be committed to participating in the event.)
3. You need your partner have an essential commitment to you, your relationship, the family. This is a basic values (and relationship) question here. Where are his life commitments?

Actually, Dear Concerned, you have laid out a roadmap for both defining addictions and for embodying certain key values in your and your partner’s life. This holistic approach is how we approach addictive behaviors in the Life Process Program — by asking people what is most important to them. Then deciding how the activity or involvement impacts these fundamental things.

As well as helping people clarify their anti-addiction motivation, this values clarification exercise can be a key guide light for living life.

Yours with best wishes,
Stanton