My Old Girlfriend Lives with a Woman: She’s Not Gay, Right?

The Republicans have the cleverest strategy; I really have to commend them. Every month or so, they force a new imbecile to the front of the pack to compete with Mitt Romney to be the party’s nominee for president. Eventually, Romney’s going to seem really appealing!

The current imbecile* is Herman Cain. Interviewed by Piers Morgan on CNN last night, here’s what Cain (and Morgan) had to say about homosexuality, as related by Conservatism Uncompromised:

In the interview and in previous interviews and speeches along the campaign trail, Cain has been steadfast on his position that homosexuality is a “choice.” He reaffirms that position to Morgan who then tries to turn it back on Mr. Cain by making the ridiculous argument that “gay people” might say “being black” is also a choice.

The point of this discussion is that, apparently, if someone has absolutely no choice about their sexuality—that is, only if their lived experience has zero impact on their likelihood of being gay or straight—then it’s okay to be gay and to get married like heterosexual people. But, if that condition doesn’t hold true, it’s no go for gay couples.

For example, interviewed by MSNBC’s Chris Matthews about the Cain clip,Washington Post blogger Jonathan Capehart responded, “right—I woke up this morning and ‘decided’ to be gay.” So we know that Capehart is really, truly gay—and he always has been. He can get married to another man, as far as liberals like Matthews are concerned.

But where does that leave Lola, my old college girlfriend? I talked with Lola a couple of years ago, and she was in a committed relationship with another woman. They owned a home together and had a daughter in college.

But Lola’s not gay, right? I mean, we had a heterosexual relationship, one that was, ummm, fully realized. At least, it seemed like we were both having fun. When I asked Lola about it, she said: “I know gay people are supposed to be that way their whole lives. But I was boy crazy. Now thisrelationship has been my longest and happiest. We have a daughter together. And I am committed to my partner.”

But according to not only conservatives like Cain, but liberals like Matthews, Lola can’t get married to her partner, can she?

Which gets me to thinking, we need to out all identical twins of gay people who are not themselves gay. “What?” you say. “You mean, there are identical twins who are discordant in terms of sexual orientation?” Quite a few, actually. Even the most ardent proponents of the genetic basis for a person’s sexual orientation must tease out a heritability factor by comparing the percentage of identical twins who are concordant for homosexuality with the percentage of fraternal twins who are both gay.

Neither figure is close to 100 percent. So, obviously, the straight twins of gay people are suppressing their true sexuality. And we who know better can’t let them do that.