My boyfriend smokes weed and it is affecting our relationship

Dear Stanton,

My fiancé is good person for the most part. He is a hard worker and treats me well the majority of the time.

The problem is he smokes weed a lot, lies to his parents about it. I am not a believer in pretending and lying. He is easily influenced by his friends bad decisions. He also says off the wall things somethings that are extremely insensitive and cares little for other.

I feel as though he does not respect me.

I love him and we live together.

We are both close with each other’s families. I am just worried that I am living in a fantasy world because everyone thinks he’s a great guy, but behind close doors I do not believe him to be.

Am i crazy? I do not know what to do, please help me.

Tricia


Dear Tricia:

You portray a difficult relationship, one with positives:

We are both close with each other’s families.

but with distressing negatives:

He is easily influenced by his friends’ bad decisions. He cares little for others. I feel as though he does not respect me.

Does this seem to add up to how you feel about the relationship?

I love him and we live together.

I am relying on what you tell me about this man.  Does he express your values towards family, self-respect, and life?

Is this a relationship that you want to proceed with? Do you want to have a family with this man as your life partner and your children’s father?

If you asked someone who cares for you and who has full information (why don’t you do that) what would they say?

As to the issue around which you frame the question, marijuana, is whether he smokes it, even regularly, the issue? Or are we talking about why he smokes, how it makes him act towards you and other people, and what his drug use says about him overall as a human being?

If you decide that his behavior is not what you want to endure going forward in life, you (who say you value honesty) should be as clear as possible with this person you say that you love, and see what responses he can suggest.

For one thing, you might separate your living arrangement and proceed with seeing whether you can form a life together from there.

Ultimately, we are discussing your own values and behavior, and not your partner’s drug use.

My best wishes,

Stanton


Have you been affected by the issues described in this letter?

If you find it difficult to leave or change a painful and negative relationship, that might be due to a love addiction. This is a topic that LPP works with people on. If you would like a free consultation to consider doing so, please do contact us.

Stanton Peele

Dr. Stanton Peele, recognized as one of the world's leading addiction experts by The Fix, developed the Life Process Program after decades of research, writing, and treatment about and for people with addictions. Dr. Peele is the author of 14 books. His work has been published in leading professional journals and popular publications around the globe.

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