Why Did My Husband Get Addicted—But I Didn’t?

Dear Stanton,

When I met my husband he was a quiet socially awkward individual. I introduced my husband to my brother and my cousins. Which at the time it was a hang out. Where they were all smoking weed. I smoked myself. But I didn’t usually do it. I had tried it in the past which is why I was open to it at the time. It was a thanksgiving cousins kind of party.
Anyways. A few weeks after that happened, I noticed my husband would smoke outside the house. And eventually it became a long time problem. That it’s been years and it’s been a problem in our household. The kids sometimes grab his things being curious. And it’s a problem.

He even goes as far as spending his last dollars on buying a stash. I’ve threatened to leave him. That doesn’t seem to really matter to him. All I want is a household that isn’t built around addictions that my kids can see. He goes into his room where he smokes. Shuts the door and is in there for an hour or more at a time if I don’t say anything. He needs to smoke before meals at home. We go out and grab food and instead of eating together as a family he’ll go smoke in the room for 30 minutes at least before he comes out to eat.

He does have a job where drug use isn’t allowed. And I do tell him I will one day tell on him. And even that doesn’t make him change his life.

It’s really tiring trying to make someone change their lifestyle. He also vapes. I just feel for his health in the long run. To be left with our kids alone, if something health wise were to happen to him. I just feel is so selfish on his part.

Right now I find myself in his room with his stash not knowing what to do. Is it even worth fighting anymore. Should I hide it like I do when I find his other items? Will that actually make him want to change this time or will it only cause a fight that my kids will have to hear. I am just emotionally and physically drained.

Susan

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Susan,

My answer in five questions.

1. What causes addiction?
Obviously not smoking marijuana. You smoked and didn’t become addicted. Neither did your cousins. Same with taking opioids. Ninety-five percent of people who take opioids don’t become addicted.

2. Then why did your husband become addicted?
I can’t say — I don’t know the man. But I bet you have some clues — things about your husband you’ve always noticed and noted that (a) differed from you (b) weren’t healthy. Like his social isolation.

Some related things: A tendency to get lost in the ozone and prefer avoiding life challenges. A willingness to disregard the concerns and needs of others. Even those near and dear to him — if such people exist.

3. My husband is willing to defy all social niceties and family concerns to smoke. Why?
Once again, I’m not the expert on your husband. You would know better than me. He demonstrated these traits before he started smoking pot habitually. You’re going to have to address them now — or else you’ll have the choices of either quitting the relationship, or just quitting trying to change it.

4. How do I stop him?
When you’ve noted negative traits in your husband previously — even before you were married — how did you deal with them? I suspect you didn’t view them as your concern. I.e., you were tolerant of him and any problems you encountered with him.

Well, bad strategy. That in combination with marrying him. I mean — all of this isn’t really surprising, is it?

5. Okay — what now?
Make a list of things you can’t/won’t tolerate — if not for yourself, then for your kids. (You know what goes in the list.) Give your husband the list and say you want to talk about it. What’s that: you and he are not comfortable having such conversations?

Okay, write this at the top of the list in caps: IF YOU AREN’T PREPARED TO DISCUSS I’M MOVING OUT WITH THE KIDS UNTIL YOU ARE.

Love,
Stanton