How do I get my boyfriend to quit drugs and drinking?

Dear Stanton:

I am a 26 year old female involved in a 1 year old relationship with a 31 year old man. I love him very much. He is a self admitted alcoholic. I tell him often I wish he would slow down his drinking and he wishes he could to. He has been to AA meetings in the past and felt they didn’t help. He often says he needs my help to quit drinking. My problem or Question after everything I have done or do to help try to control his drinking is this: Is there anything I can do? I know that I can’t get him to quit for me that he has to do it for himself. He will not go to meetings. Deep down he really does want to quit but I feel He is scared and he feels its too late. I feel he just doesn’t know where to begin. Can you give me some advice to help him begin?

thanks,
Carol

Dear Carol:

I am responding by enclosing another case like yours to give you some perspective.

Stanton:

I am writing because I don’t really know where to turn any more and I’m having a great deal of difficulty dealing with my situation.

My fiancee and I have been together for over two years. He is a heavy pot smoker who works with a group of guys who are also heavy pot smokers. He introduced me to pot when we met and I did get into the habit of smoking one joint a day with him at bedtime (although he smokes all day long). The first year we were together he didn’t smoke all that much, but since we’ve moved to his hometown, with his old friends – it’s out of control – he is getting high on drugs all of the time. He’s 31 and I’m 24.

The reason this is really upsetting me now is that I am 6 1/2 months pregnant. I’ve made all the changes and sacrifices necessary to make sure this child is born healthy in a nurturing environment. He promised to quit smoking pot and drinking alcohol, etc. endless times. And I kept threatening to leave if he didn’t control it. He refuses to get help – says he doesn’t need it. And I just don’t know what to do. I am very much in love with him and want very much to give this child a family. The disgust and disappointment increases every day and I am at my wits end. I can’t force him to stop – I don’t want to force him to stop. It should be his own decision and desire – yet it hurts me that he hasn’t done it yet, he says he wants to stop, but if did, he would have already. And just like I can’t force him to stop, he can’t force me to accept it.

I am about to fly back (after a year and a half being here) to my home and take care of myself and my child. I know that it’s what I need to do, yet I’m scared. He recently began using cocaine again as well and the lies and excuses are amazing. If he really wanted this family and really loved me the way he says he does, why would he let the drugs do this to us? Please help me understand.

Jeannie

Let’s shift the question entirely to what would make you happy.

After all, your boyfriend’s not writing me about his problem. You’re writing me about yours.

Would refusing to see your boyfriend if he is drunk/will be drinking improve your life? Then make that happen.

The point is that, after all this discussion, you have to look after yourself and what is the best way for you to proceed.

Don’t be bitter or vicious toward him. Just tell him what you need to do to guarantee your own happiness.

If you are thinking you want to be married, or settle down, then you should date other men. You can tell your friend that you would be happy with him, but not with a drunken him. And you are seeking someone else as long as that is the him you would get.

Now AA is not the only way to go, as you can see if you read around my site (look at the FAQs). Plenty of people find AA uncomfortable. But there are other ways to go, and he has to find one that works for him. You can encourage as a friend, while proceeding with what you need.

If you need support for yourself to do what is best for you, then you should seek that support. The problem, the need for strength, the choices are yours.

In fact, this will probably be the best for him also.

Best,
Stanton

Have you been affected by the issues described in this story?

If you are in a relationship where alcohol is affecting you and your partners relationship, you may want to enroll in my Life Process Program, which has been specifically adapted for internet use.

Dr. Stanton Peele, recognized as one of the world's leading addiction experts, developed the Life Process Program after decades of research, writing, and treatment about and for people with addictions. Dr. Peele is the author of 14 books. His work has been published in leading professional journals and popular publications around the globe.