When masturbation hurts in a relationship

Dear Stanton:

I read the Q&A about masturbation effecting the relationship you sad it was a natural thing and all. My question to you is my boyfriend masturbates daily a lot I don’t know how many times a day at last once a day and our sex life suffers on my end horribly he can’t maintain an erection and all our sex ends up being a masturbation session can you offer any advise at all on what the problem may be. I think he has always masturbated we have been together for 2 years and I am an attractive woman but our sex is unromantic and leaves me feeling empty he seems content and says sorry for the malfunction but sees no need to change or admit it is a problem. Is it?

thanks
Lauren


Dear Lauren:

This is a problem, because your sex is unsatisfactory, unlike the story in the previous Ask Stanton concerning masturbation. In any relationship, people have the right to find satisfaction, and to ask for what they need. You may think your boyfriend is not satisfying you sexually because he is masturbating, but it may be that he is not engaged enough with you sexually (which can happen for many reasons), and so he seeks sexual gratification through masturbation. But, as you suggest, it is very selfish of him to accept this state of affairs.

Perhaps the best excuse he could make is that he likes being with you, but is unable to find sexual satisfaction through ordinary sex. But this is a serious dysfunction. You might ask him if there is something you can do that could help him gain gratification through sex with you; but it sounds as though he is not shy about having sex the way he wants it when in your presence.

Best wishes,
Stanton

Stanton Peele

Dr. Stanton Peele, recognized as one of the world's leading addiction experts, developed the Life Process Program after decades of research, writing, and treatment about and for people with addictions. Dr. Peele is the author of 14 books. His work has been published in leading professional journals and popular publications around the globe.

Comments

  • Anna says:

    I too am dealing with my boyfriend masturbating. But this just started getting out of hand about a month ago and he refuses to be honest with me about it. The minute he gets home from work he’s on his phone watching porn and then a few times during the evening he’ll go into the bathroom to masterbate. Our sex life does suffer. When my mother passed away from cancer all he did was watch porn and masterbate. He was not there for me at all. It seems like I’m only a bore to him, we could be hanging out and he will pick up his phone and watch porn then go sit in the bathroom for a hour. Please help…

  • Sunshiny day says:

    So im in a new relationship with a guy and he always goes soft during sex but never when he masturbates. He has toys that get him off and give him a better orgasm than me and it makes me feel horrible. Like I’m less of a woman. He doesn’t seem to understand. But to me it really hurts. I want to be able to pleasure him as much as he does me. But it seems impossible to do. I love him to pieces but i don’t know if i can live like that. Its selfish of me to be the one to get him off every time but isnt that what a woman is supposed to do for her man? Or partner. Hes getting off about 4 times a day and I’m maybe getting off once. Because he always goes soft right before I’m about to get off. Its something I’ve almost cried about.

  • Queenb says:

    I’m also dealing with the same situation with my fiancee (lesbian) and it’s really getting difficult for me to deal with and it’s slowly hurting our relationship and only for see it to become worse, maybe destroying to our 9 year relationship which I don’t want. Please help me with how to handle this

  • second partner says:

    My girlfriend and I (lesbian relationship) have been together going on 4 years. With in the last year I have began to notice her obssesive need to masturbate. Even while I’m sitting next to her she will touch herself. There is not a night that she doesn’t masturbate. Meanwhile she thinks im asleep next to her. I’ve brought it up, due to the celibacy on my part, and it turns into a question of my sanity. She insists that she is not masturbating day and night. I have thought of stepping out of the relationship because of the lack of affection. What’s worse is she has now, without my knowledge, invested in a vibrator. I awoke one night to this surprise and this is when we fought and she insisted I get help for my mental instability. I started to question my own sanity. What do i do? I am wondering now if there is a touch of mental illness inn her end! Please help!

    Yours but not hers,
    Insanity

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