Can I compromise with a marijuana smoker I love?
Readers Question: (Name changed for privacy)
Posted on August 12th, 2008 - Last updated: October 15th, 2023
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I have a question about being in a relationship with someone who smokes weed. I am at the end of a two-and-a-half year relationship that is ending because of the marijuana habits of my boyfriend.
He does it. I don’t.
He has never lied about the fact that he smokes pot, nor does he do it “behind my back”. But it has simply never been a part of the relationship that the two of us have been cultivating; that is, the drug does not play a role in our day-to-day lives at all.
The only times I’ve been with him when he smokes are at infrequent parties with his group of friends. He does, however, smoke it when people come to visit him at home and I’m not around, when he hangs out with a buddy or occasionally by himself.
This is a substance that has been integral in his life since he was a young teenager (his older brother got him started) and is something that he and his friends have done together for many years (he is 33). He describes it as something “ceremonial” and something that connects him to his friends and brothers.
From an ethical or moral standpoint, he sees nothing wrong with the drug because to him it is just like coming home from work and drinking a beer — it relaxes you and is enjoyable.
I, on the other hand, have a philosophical problem with drugs in general — I don’t believe in that sort of escapist mentality. I feel very uncomfortable in situations where joints are being passed around and everyone is high.
People act very differently when they are under the influence and I guess I’d rather being around the “real” people. (Although a marijuana smoker would probably argue that people seem more “real” when you are all partaking of the herb.)
It’s the same reason I do not choose to hang around a group of people who’s main source of entertainment is getting wasted-drunk on Friday nights. It’s not fun to me.
Anyway, the relationship between my boyfriend and me had progressed to the point where we began discussing marriage. And needless to say, the marijuana issue has become a real sticking point.
At first, I was adamant that he had to quit altogether, but he made it very clear that this was not an option for him. So I did some thinking and came to the conclusion that I could repress my natural “flight or fight” response in certain situations where it was present. For example, if the two of us were to go to a New Year’s Eve party, I would not make a big deal about him smoking with his friends and just suck it up and deal with it. If he went on the annual After-Christmas-Hunting-Trip with “the guys”, I would not obsess about the fact that he was getting high out in the woods somewhere.
But I had to draw the line regarding marajuana in our future home (we do not currently live together). I’ve told him that I would learn to deal with his smoking when we are in situations like parties at other people’s houses, or when we would go and stay with his brothers; but I could not be comfortable with it in my own home. I feel like the one place a person deserves to be comfortable is in his own home.
I don’t want to come home from the grocery store to a high husband.
I don’t want to spend my time watching him get stoned.
I don’t want to be relegated to the living room to watch the kids while my husband and “Uncle Jim” step out to the back porch to light one up.
I don’t want to worry about my children finding a bag of weed when they dig through Daddy’s filing cabinet.
Being on the fringe of this activity makes me feel like a total outsider and very lonely because it’s like the person I love leaves me for a while and is replaced by someone I don’t know. Meanwhile I’m stuck sitting on the couch waiting for him to come back down to earth. His argument is, or course, that he is fundamentally the same person — high or not high— and I just don’t accept him for the person he is. According to his perspective, I’m just looking to change him.
My boyfriend and I were raised in totally different environments and, while he was having these pschodelic experiences with his brothers and friends, I was being fed (in his words) anti-drug propaganda and occupied myself being the “good girl”.
According to him I have no idea what I am talking about because I have never experienced it. And in a way, he’s right. I don’t have the same points of reference as he does.
I will never understand how it feels to be high on pot because I will never do it.
I don’t feel like I need to.
All I know is how I feel when I’m around it now and how I feel when I try to think about a future life where it is something that occurs around me on a fairly regular basis. I want to feel safe and free in my own home. I don’t want to have this constraint of worry. And whether its ridiculous (which my boyfriend thinks), or not, its how I feel.
My boyfriend argues that I just don’t trust him. Since it’s not something he does when it’s just the two of us hanging out now, he’s probably not going to start smoking it when it’s just the two of us when we’re married.
I should trust him that he’s not going to whip out a big joint in front of the kids.
I should trust that he would only smoke “when appropriate”.
But his definition of appropriate differs from mine.
He has friends who go and get high in the garage while their kids are in the house playing. To him, this is appropriate since the kids have no idea what is going on. He also has friends who have a young baby and just smoke right in front of it. This is “appropriate” because the baby is too young to know what is going on.
I feel like any environment with illegal, mind-altering drugs in it is not appropriate for children.
Period.
To him, this opinion is just my ” Polyanna” syndrome showing itself again. There are other ways to live life and I am just too closed-minded to accept this.
His friends and brothers smoke it far more often than my boyfriend does — some of them on a daily basis.
I think it is potentially embarrassing for him to think about having to tell his friends that they can’t smoke pot when they come to visit. And I think that it is even more mortifying to my boyfriend that he would have to tell this to his brothers. This is what they do when they are together. He says that it would be very uncomfortable for his older brother to even come to visit if he couldn’t partake. And to ” force” his brother to take his drugs elsewhere to smoke where he would run a greater risk of being caught (because apparently it’s impossible for him to go a few days without it) would be unthinkable. I maintain that people are generally willing (and happy) to abide by “house rules” when they visit other people. It may not be the way you run your life, but, hey, it’s someone else’s house and you have to respect that. My boyfriend feels that no one will want to visit if they no his house is a no-pot zone.
I feel like I have made steps to give him a compromise — he doesn’t have to give it up, but it just won’t be something that will be participated in at home.
My boyfriend will not step any closer to my side, however.
He says that pot WILL be around and he doesn’t want to have a marriage based on conditions.
I can see his point of view — nobody likes to be told what to do—but I also feel that this is a situation where guidelines need to be established.
Sincerely,
Ariel
Dear Ariel:
Gosh, this is a fascinating story. If you cut out the first sentence, you would never guess the conclusion as it went along. I have mixed feelings about your tale.
First, let me say, it is extremely well-written.
Second, I believe you are right in your decision.
Third, it is such a relief to read a letter from a woman — unlike a woman whose boy friend or husband is ruining her life with their substance abuse — who resolves her course of action on her own, without asking someone to else to tell her what to do.
But, I regret that your story could not be used by the Partnership for a Drug Free America, because it is actually a story about something more complex than that, captured in your sentence:
“My boyfriend will not step any closer to my side, however. “
Noble, perhaps, but self-destructive, it would seem. Your situation is a bit dicier than those of the women I cite, in that your boyfriend is not ostensibly a substance abuser, except that to ruin an intimate relationship due to substance use is a sign of a drug problem.
Stanton
Have you been affected by the issues described in this story?
Many of us have been told that addiction is a chronic disease that cannot be cured. We don’t. We believe that addiction is a compelling, destructive involvement that, because it detracts from other areas of people’s lives, forces them to rely with greater exclusivity on the addictive experience they get from the involvement, whether with drugs or anything else:
Dr. Stanton Peele, recognized as one of the world's leading addiction experts, developed the Life Process Program after decades of research, writing, and treatment about and for people with addictions. Dr. Peele is the author of 14 books. His work has been published in leading professional journals and popular publications around the globe.
Wow. Reading all of these stories is mindblowing. I feel inspired to share my story on dating a lovely guy for more than 3 years with a severe abuse problem a.k.a weed addiction (plus alcohol and cigarrettes).
It all started during the pandemic. I met him on Instagram, he is such a handsome well dressed guy with a very SWEET and loving tone of voice and overall presence. At that time, I was single and kind of eager to be in a relationship. It is worth mentioning this was and is my first ever serious committed relationship.
At first we talked a lot on the phone, but in the first few months, I noticed something odd, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but he was strange… (now I deff know it was the pot a.k.a he being stoned) So for that reason I naturally pulled away from him… Either way, he still managed to keep texting me and chase me. Eventually I said to myself, why not give him a chance? He is handsome, cute, comes from what seemed to be a nice family, and shares a similar background as me… plus he really is trying, and that gives him points.
So, I decided to invite him to my country to visit and to meet in person (He was from France and I’m from Mexico). He came, we met, and I didnt quite like him at first. Still found him a bit odd, in a way… But the days went by, and I started seeing that he actually was a nice guy. He stole my heart in a matter of weeks. He was just so polite, and well educated, so caring, and just such a good person overall. In a matter of two months, he proposed to me. (He gave me a really nice and expensive watch that he owned).
When that happened, I was shocked, happy, in love. But when the days passed by, I didn’t feel so great.. Was it too soon? Do I actually know this guy? I mean, I haven’t even met his family, his friends, etc. So I said that to him, and he said it was okay, and that it would happen whenever I felt ready.
Then he moved to my country. I used to live with my mother at that time, so she allowed me to have him at home. We lived there for a couple months, and then he really insisted on renting our own place. Which for some reason I didn’t feel so comfortable doing. (it was too soon for me). But, he has a way to make you feel guilty, and as if you are a bad person, when not doing what he wants. So of course, he convinced me. And we moved in together to a beautiful house with a pool in the same neighborhood.
Let me say, the times in that house were the darkest times of entire my life.
He quickly became really aggressive when drunk. He said the most nasty and hurtful things. He packed his bags every time he was drunk and threatened to leave. He left the house drunk, walking on the streets so that I had to go rescue him in my car so he wouldn’t get robbed or smudged. I really resented being there, I hated going home.
Then a few months later, the summer came, and his family was coming to visit for the first time. Let me say his mom, and sister were really really nice. We all went to the beach at their arrival. I found a perfect house so we could all spend time together and get to know eachother. One night, he got so drunk, he and his sister wanted to go clubbing, but I honestly didn’t. So he became so mad that I didn’t want to go that he started yelling at me and saying I was so selfish, that he always comes with me everywhere and how could I not want to go one single night out when his sister was here. So of course, I went. It was the worst night. He treated me so shitty in front of her, that I got pissed and said I was exhausted, and I wanted to end this relationship. It was literally the last time I was going to put up with his bad alcohol. So I did end it. And moved back home, leaving him and his family in our house. He obviously tried to convince me to go back, and to work things out. He even promised not to drink a single drop of alcohol again. So I said okay, on one condition. We live in separate houses. I need to see for myself, that you quit drinking and then we can live together again in a few years. He said yes, but in a couple weeks made up his mind and thought it was better if he returned to France. Since in his words “I didn’t come all the way to Mexico to live alone”. He wanted to do long distance, since my decision was firm on not living together again. But I got really mad and blocked him.
Four months passed by. I was the most depressed I had ever been in my entire life. It was like I lost the love of my life. Like I was never going to be able to find someone like that again. I was devastated.
He reached out on Christmas, and NYE. We talked, and I decided I should give it another chance… (yeah, really…) So I flew all the way to France to visit him. It was as if I recovered my life. Just being with him, filled my heart. We dated long distance for 4 months. When I convinced him to move to Mexico again. He quit his job, and moved again. He didn’t drink anymore. We found a beautiful apartment and moved in. Alcohol free. The start of a great life…
For a whole year we lived in this apartment. It never felt quite right. Just a couple months after we moved in, I found that he was always absent at night. He went to the living room and stayed there up all night. (working) But one night I went to the living room to see what he was doing, and there it was… THE POT!!!!! The whole house smelled like marihuana… Oh that smell. I said to him he was not allowed to do that in our home. That if he wanted to do it it would have to be somewhere else. His whole attitude towards me changed. It was like he hated me. But he never smoked weed in the house again.
A year later, he decided to move out. Him being completely in love with me. He said it was because he wanted to have a place where he didn’t need to wait for me so many hours when I was working, that in his own place, he wouldn’t have to wait for no one to come home. He would just be in peace. (Such a weird excuse) So he moved out. Only for me to find out he was smoking weed all day every day in his house. So I said I was going to end it if he didn’t leave weed. And of course. He didn’t, and he said it was my choice to leave a great relationship for a lame excuse like that. Let me say, thanks to weed, not only did he move out of our home, but also, he isn’t excited about anything, doesn’t do anything all day, has no passions, hobbies, doesn’t work out. He is just a living zombie. I said I would help him quit, that we could go detox to a beach, or whatever it took. He laughed at me, and said the only beach he would ever go to, is a beach with weed.
So at the end, he chose weed over me.
Reading majority of these post just saddens me deeply. So many women/ men putting up with weed head addicts in a partner blinded by our “love” for them no matter how many lies they tell us and how many times they say “I’ll take a break or cut back”. It’s all lies. Weed makes the consumers complacent, take it from me before I met my boyfriend I smoked weed every day and still lived with my parents working a dead end job that I HATED. And how did I work at that crap hole for 2+ years?? WEED! It kept me content and complacent just letting my life pass me by and never achieving greatness or real happiness. Fast forward to now 2023 I’m a medical school graduate and I have been sober for 60 days now weed free. My current boyfriend for almost 2 years now is a heavy pothead. I smoked with him in the beginning of our relationship but one day I just woke up completely turned off by weed. I wanted more for myself and my life and was tired of feeling stuck in a loop of nothingness. I tried to convince my boyfriend to quit smoking weed with me but he wouldn’t budge but now I fear for our future togther because now I hate the smell of weed and don’t like to be around it at all. We are going through a rough patch right now. My boyfriend lost his job last month and has been doing nothing but playing videos games and getting high all day ever since he got layed off. I reached out to his mom asking for help and that I don’t want to see him go down the road of dispair and evidently lose me in the process. I won’t give up on him while he’s still trying to get back on his feet but he also doesn’t see that his weed addiction plays a huge role in his downfall and lack of confidence in himself. I know he probably feels depressed and upset about losing his job but I KNOW for a fact that smoking weed and playing ps5 all day is not a productive way to find work. His parents absolutely do not tolerate weed in any way and his mom didn’t help me get through to him at all about his weed problem when I asked for her help. I’m trying to be patient and let him realize his issue on his own but he has a horrible temper and says the meanest and nastiest things to me when he’s upset or when he runs out of green. This is not the life I want for myself so if he can’t get it togther, I’m out. I hope anyond reading this that can relate GET OUT while you still can. I have no kids and I’m 25 and thriving. Like the great Steve lacy once said “If you had to stunt your shining for your lover, DUMP THAT FUCKER!”
Hi, I’m living with my boyfriend.
Pot is much more important to him than my feelings.
I do try to compromise, but beware, he will likely eventually bring it into your home.
I was tormented by my own mother at age 15, called a prude for not sm9king it with her. I had to go live with my grandpa.
My boyfriend is spaced out, and lost in his own world all the time. He quit for a short period, but he has been back at it, and he is constantly waiting to get high. He spends too much money on it.
It is as if I’m with a petson I don’t know.
I am probably goingvto he leaving the relationship.
I’m very unhappy, and yes, I feel like an outcast when he’s with his friends.
I feel with true love, one would not choose something that changes them, over someone they love.
It’s most important over everything and everyone, therefore its clearly an addiction.
I wish you luck.
Tanya
Hi. The weed can be relaxing for the moment and most potheads have this as a good excuse to maintain their addiction… but after years of smoking weed it can destroy the pleasure centers in the brain….and then when not smoking will feel more irritated and bored with life. And testosterone will also lower with time… And after 20 years of smoking weed daily then you will have a grumpy stubborn old man😀 I don’t have anything against weed and I guess it is ok to smoke now and then. But is it really a pleasurable life if you need a substance every day to calm down your mind?
I’m sober in recovery, I relate a lot to this story as I’m dating someone who smokes. It’s not about pot being good or bad it’s that I simply don’t enjoy being around people that are high and it’s a tough one to figure out and navigate because smoking may not cause the damage that using alcohol or other drugs on a daily basis would but it still makes me feel separate and alienated from who I’m dating and I’m not sure that will work for me. It’s not a moral issue and anyone defending pot as being “good” or “not good” is missing the point it’s a compatibility issue not a moral one
this comment section is hilarious with some very outdated views. It’s obvious there is still a lot of stigma against people smoking Cannabis, Weed is fine, being with someone and knowing their habits and exepecting them to change is wrong. I don’t drink alcohol at all and only smoke Cannabis, so I would’nt get into or stay in a relationship with someone who regularly drinks. A few comment i found personally funny were the “philosiphal view of not agreeing with escaping reality”, which demonstrates your shallow understanding plant and the hundreds of thousands of people who use it for the very purpose of getting on with reality, like myself. I am Autistic and high functioning, it can be difficult to take everything slow and one step at a time and get on with a productive day, taking responsible doses of Cannabis helps me through the day if I need. Your body has an endocannabinoid, so you’re just plain qrong if you don’t think there is something healing and medicinal about consuming Cannabis. The terpenes and thousands of natural flavour profiles you can experience is unmatched, do your research into Cannabis.
The comment on April 2018 is the one a re-read many times over the past few month.
The older lady in her 50s with a long history of pot, admitting to the harsh realities of abusing pot: Impotence (erectile disfunction ) and memory loss. This is a reality that Im currently confronting: loving an incrediblly sweet man with OCD, social anxiety, acute anxiety and depression.
Every plants and food has to be consumed moderately. Too much sugar leads to diabetes, alcohol is harsh on your liver and smoking tobacco (my bro does) can cause lung problems. Pot , I have observed, has its own special side effects that will be evident in about 20 years time.
my boyfriend uses cresco but started with regular weed over 20 years ago. I agree that it cases softness in male erection or Erectile Dysfunction. There is a difference in performance and quality of lovemaking when he quits temporarily (a month) and while smoking pot. He is many memory loss. When we agreed to meet at 9 pm, he wont be there. He makes varied excuses such as “i said I might meet you.”
Without weed, his personality is different. His mind is filled with anxious thoughts , self-inadequacy , self-doubt and so much pain, I couldn’t touch him. With weed, his personality depends on the ‘high’ mood scale. His mouth is so dry I couldnt kiss him.
in the end, Just like Jackson Galaxy of Animal Planet and his book about addiction and his beloved cat, these are inner demons that no lover can change. And just like the comment of the lady in her 50s (April 2018), we will end up baby-ing people with pot addiction. In the same token if they have severe alcohol or sugar dependency.
Prescription medication for depression /anxiety has adverse effects on erection and causes weight gain. it seems like weed is a better option. Therefore, there should be more independent research on weed usage, types and brands.
Moreover, this sweet boyfriend gave me 3x swedish fish like gummies and ate them . After two hours, my vion blurred and I felt lethargic. Good thing I made it to my mom’s house (for a visit) and told her I needed to sleepover. My body was severely tingly, i had heart palpitations and my head felt squeezed. I called my boyfriend to ask what is happening and if I should call 911. He said no and simply told me to drink more water. I really thought i was dying…
I still stayed with him because we are passionately connected. He promised never to give me gummies and proceeded to forget and give me one two months later…. in the end, can love or passion survive with the effects of marijuana? if he pays for it 100% is it alright?
Relationships should ideally be pouring from each other’s cup, a give & take , a dimension of respect and mutual admiration, and a large dose of affection (or importantly sex).
If we become ‘caregivers’ is this just? Can we have high quality time camping with the children, clamming /snorkeling adventure, traveling overseas?
BTW, I have no experience with pot abuse. only nicotine abuse (brother). I just advise my brother to make sure he has the best health insurance (just in case)
Just to let all you people know. If you take prescription drugs from the doctor you take drugs. If you drink coffee, tea or sugar yup that’s right you take drugs. Alcohol yup. These are all mind and body altering substances and there loads, so let’s get to the point. Unless you are clean cut take nothing from the doctor don’t drink coffee or tea or any of the other caffeinated drinks or alcohol you can’t really complain about someone smoking pot. Some drugs are illegal and some aren’t but let me tell you something they are all drugs.
To all those who have posted replies and are living a life they are not comfortable with: It’s YOUR life, your only life. There are no “do overs”.
I have been living under similar circumstances with my girlfriend who also comes from a family of potheads. She says her parents have smoked weed for many decades and it hasn’t adversely affected them. BS! Smokescreen! They live in a visibly rotting home that looks like an abandoned property from the outside and a hoarder house on the inside! Her siblings are all pothead losers who haven’t been able to hold a job their entire lives. Daily pot use is not conducive to a happy, honest responsible life. Yes doubting potheads, I did just say that! It’s undeniably true and is proven on a daily basis.
If you are uncomfortable being around weed (and especially if your significant other comes from a pothead family) the answer is simple: Leave now. True potheads will always (there are always exceptions but treat your situation as if there are none) lie and hide their usage. The rift between people raised in a pothead environment and those from a happy, productive and loving environment is, for practical purposes, insurmountable. You deserve more. Be you. Let them go. The earlier you do this the happier you will be.
To the potheads who have replied to this post: The choice to use weed is yours, as are the repercussions of this choice. The rest of us have made a choice to forego the use of this substance and deserve to have our choices respected. Find another pothead to share your choice with and be honest about your usage as well as your conviction to continue use. You will be happier with this decision too.
It’s not about right or wrong. It’s about honesty and happiness. We all have one life and we all deserve to be happy. Enjoy weed the way you want to but keep it amongst other like-minded adults.
The truth is that cannabis is very much addictive and destroys lives. There are almost zero medical benefits from THC ( check actual medical studies, not a blog on leafly) and the medical use of CBD is still being scrutinized with preliminary results showing only limited medical conditions showing small “possible” benefits. THC exacerbates anxiety with continued use, so please stop using this example. It’s bunk.
It’s not being “unreasonable and controlling” to express your true feelings and set limits for yourself. It is controlling to tell someone their feelings have no merit and to worm your way into their home expecting them to put up with your lifestyle choices.
Ariel,
Thank you for vocalizing my concerns in my relationship. My boyfriend also smokes weed and I have tried it but have never been one of crave it. I’ve let him know that I’m uncomfortable with the situation but he doesn’t want to stop. I hope whatever you’re situation is right now, I hope it’s a happy ending. Cheers!
I tried dating a girl who was completely against drugs in my early 20’s. It didn’t work. I’m 34 now and I haven’t dated anyone since and I’m happy to accept a fate of being perfectly alone for the rest of my life. Partners suck and not in the good way. I smoke maybe one joint a day to go to sleep with or maybe 2 more on my days off to make music or play games, I have 3 jobs, work out regularly, train in martial arts, never go out and get drunk, in-fact barely drink altogether, I cook & eat healthy, keep a clean house, a clean body, pay all my bills on time, help my neighbor, never ‘pickup’ and have sex, I keep up to date with world events, drive better than 70% of people on the road, practice yoga, and practice mindfulness and meditation ..but I can’t stand the idea of someone coming in trying to change me the way she did and the way many women do just based on some biological protective maternal instinct combined with anti-drug propaganda to illicit a very common reaction resenting their male partners actions and divorcing and preventing custody of the man or husband from the children, of whom takes their relatively balanced relationship with inebriates to a whole other level after the custody is revoked and they’re only left with a bill to pick up every week, their heart that’s treated as non-existent, like they’re mere machines is in collapse after this point and the only way they can find happiness in full fledged addiction. The main article I’m responding to here mentions that those smoking pot aren’t being “real”, meanwhile would be probably just filling the same time with wishing their partner would fill their emptiness because they haven’t found methods to fill it themself, that and or they’d be scrolling through mindless social media feeds or something equally as inane provided by the privilege of instantaneous gratification we have and are all at the mercy of in this day and age, so 9/10 times you’re apparent “realness” is probably no more or less as “real”. Meanwhile pot like other psychedelics, some far less mild that pot is, like lsd, offer a glimpse into the blueprints our mind and our consciousness, or solace and calm as we’re revealed so many bodily microtensions we hadn’t while sober, we’re stepping outside of that which is taken for granted as normal or “real” into the behind the scenes of the stage play we put on in this life, and whilst we’re back there we have a real judgy stage director with her arms crossed glaring at us demanding we make her happy and conform to her personal bias without ever understanding ours.. no thanks… I’ll take my backstage work alone and in peace like most stoners thanks, you girls can keep dating the alcoholic women bashers and child rapists.
They never leave it. I’ve been trying to cope with drugs, alcohol & weed for 5 years now. We’ve been living together for 6 years now. Why do I get mad when my boyfriend smokes weed? – Empty promises of quitting it! Funny how I always found evidence when I went through his drawers. Then he’ll still try to deny it! What makes things worse is that he doesn’t work. I’m the provider. I have my own small business that is not doing so well anymore after Covid but somehow he thinks I roll in the dough. I’ve told him to leave but he doesn’t. Why would he when everything is provided for him. He drives around in my car. Uses the wifi. I make dinner. I do his washing. He is just too lazy for anything. His mom doesn’t want him back. He is now my problem. How do I get him to pack & leave?
What a bunch of whiny bitches….weed is great.
Well you hit on something that we hoped people would (I think). In the words of our friend Dr. Carl Hart, “Drugs aren’t the problem!”
I have been seeing this guy off and on for two years. He smokes ALOT. He smokes as soon as he gets home from work till he goes to bed. I made my concerns known as soon as it got to a point where I’d go visit and all he’d do is be back in his room smoking while I would be out in the living room waiting for him to come and spend time with me. He told me he wasn’t going to stop which wasn’t what I was asking of him. I asked him to just scale back and when I come around, spend time with me and lets go do stuff. The marijuana hasn’t been the only issues but it definitely hasn’t helped and has only magnified he has some deeper issues. Fast forward to the present, he still does it every day after work, has no interests, hobbies or motivation and I’m just over it really. We’re not officially in a relationship, but I see that things with him are not improving and I don’t see a long term future with him which is heartbreaking because I do love him and he really is a good person. At the end of the day, everyone has to decide what we can deal with and what we won’t.
Dear Ariel,
I read your stories and most of the comments and it’s fascinating to see that you are not the only one going thru this. I recently broke up with my fiancée who lied to me about smoking weed. We moved in together and every time he was stress about work or school he would smoke weed.
I, personally don’t smoke weed but I also don’t judge those who do it. I asked my fiancée if he would ever stop smoking weed and he said no. I asked what if we have a baby, would you stop? He said no.
I broke up with him for so many other reason but you need to hear what your boyfriend is telling you. He said he won’t stop smoking weed so it’s up to you if you wanna stay in that relationship or not.
My ex fiancée would hang out with his friends and they would start with weed, then mushrooms and cocaine. One night, he went out with his friends did all those drugs and cheated on me. He doesn’t remember who he slept with. He apologized and cried but in that moment I knew our relationship was over, done..
Can you imagine ? Planning a life with your “soulmate” and all gone due to drugs .. I cried multiple nights, I was depressed and not longer the happy girl I used to be. I tried to help him but he was in denial …. I made one of the hardest decisions and left him because I couldn’t keep dealing with someone who smokes weed to bury his depression or try to forget about real life for few mins or hours …
I do love my ex but I learned to love me more and know what I deserve in life…..
This man deserves to be with someone better. He smokes weed yet isn’t getting into trouble, isn’t causing car accidents, doesn’t steal, doesn’t abuse you yet you don’t get it. If you’ve ever been drunk once, you have no right to judge this man for the way he lives his life. Cannabis isn’t some kind of escape unless you have an issue. It really is medicine for some people. The person stuck in their head and away from reality is you. You wasted this mans time by not being honest from day one with him.
Run away!
I have been living this situation for 30 years. It only gets worst? My husband is now 56 and smoke all day long. Sits in his car, I won’t allow it in my house, and gets high.
Nip it in the but or leave.
I left my boyfriend of 4 years due to the weed and cig addiction.
When we got into the relationship, he wasn’t a pothead. He infact used to judge people who used to smoke cigarettes.
When we were in college, he started smoking up once in a weekend or so when he hung out with the potheads. It really bothered me back then itself. I thought this will eventually go away when we got our jobs and got more serious in life. Contrast to this, he now had the money to afford this on daily basis.
I used to think it was those friends that dragged him into this and a different environment would change things, only to realise, he manages to find pothead friends wherever he goes.
We’ve had multiple fights on this. It came to him lying about this issue. Hiding it from me and doing it. When his friends joked about me never finding out that my boyfriend was stoned whenever he visited me, it hurt me really bad. I felt that I lost trust in him. He was also avoiding to meet up with me as often as before because he’d rather be stoned with his friends or alone.
I remember him not wanting to help me out on things I asked him to. He would lose track of time and wouldn’t come to my place when he told he would and our plans of going out would get cancelled. I would get mad at him and fight on this, and he used this fight as an excuse to not come at all and that I was at fault for yelling about it and stayed at his friends place instead. I could also see that he had lack of interest in everything in his life. He wanted to do something but wouldn’t do it because he got lazy. Complained about many many things going bad in his life, but did nothing to better his life. I never felt that he had my back or was there for me when I needed him the most.
During the pandemic, he went back home. I thought, this would make him reduce smoking because he couldn’t hide it from his parents forever and smoke it.
We were in long distance for more than a year. We avoided talking this topic, because we did not want to fight. We decided to live in together once he’s back. And as the days got closer to moving in, I wanted to have this chat to know where he stands on that smoking thing, only to find out that he had been stoned and was also smoking cigarettes every single day.
It was shattering to know that. This was not the lifestyle I was okay to live with for the rest of my life.
And I did not want to fight this fight again. We had been fighting over it or avoiding the topic to avoid a fight for about 2 years now.
I breaks me to leave him because he is an amazing person otherwise. But if we had continued, we would have started resenting each other in the long run.
It’s just sad that substance abuse took over his life and he risked the amazing relationship that we had, just to get stoned.
I see this as my rock bottom. It can only get better from here, now that I have left him. Looking forward to a good future for myself.
A few years ago, I was with a man who would smoke everyday. He would start in the morning and continue until night. His friends were the same.
Looking back, I felt uncomfortable from the start but was also fascinated by his way of living, his humour and wit. And as I was young and naive, I thought that maybe it was just me being judgemental and ignorant. I did not know much about drugs in general and my bf at that time and his friends tried to “educate” me, telling me that there was such a thing as responsible drug use and that I should get past my negative assumptions.
Little did I know. Everyone with a bit more experience would have left the scene right there but I wanted this relationship to work and I did not want to be conservative and close-minded. So I tried. I questioned my feeling and my believes. I read journals and papers on addiction, recreational use, drug benefits and long-term effects. I had endless discussions on the Why and How. I tried drugs myself (didn’t like it). In the end, it left me confused. I did not know if I could trust my feelings anymore and my former self-confidence was gone. I felt on edge and hurt all the time, I felt not enough. I was not one of them.
Meanwhile, my then bf and his friends did not get anything done. None of them stayed in their jobs for a long time, they had bad memories and found new excuses whenever one of their tasks or projects had not worked out.
My ex was always short on money, I did all the chores and groceries. The apartment was a mess and the window blinds had to stay closed so that the neighbours would not be able to look inside and see the bong and joints lying around. When asked, my bf and his friends were still convinced that their weed consumption was normal and that they “could stop anytime”.
My hope was to be okay with all of this at some point. It was just weed, right? I also lived for those rare moments where my bf and I were alone and had a good time without him smoking weed. More often than not, he would find excuses why he could not see me, not go on vacation together or why it was the perfect moment to light a spliff.
This went on for almost two years until I could not take it anymore. I have never been as broken as back then and I hope to never be at that point again. It took me months (and a lot of patience from my current boyfriend) to get over that time. I still hate the smell of weed.
What I really want to say is: r u n. Cannabis is certainly not as bad as some hardcore purists want us to believe. But it is also no candy. Some people cannot handle it. They say that they have everything under control but they don’t. And this will affect their lives and the lives of their close ones.
It will hurt and it does not mean that your love or their love was a lie. But you are better off without them.
I’m living the same relationship with my Girlfriend of 7 years but she smokes at least 4-5 times a day. Also with her 19 and 21 year old kids or friends and family. And I worry my neighbors will smell it. They don’t smoke in the house but on the back porch. Just the 2 of them smoke a half ounce in 5-6 days. I’m so lost. I’ve been getting my credit built up for a while to buy a house in the country even put her as a user on my card and built hers up over 100 points to do it together. I feel like I’m doing everything myself.
James,
It sounds as though you feel stuck in this dimension of your relationship. Perhaps you’ll be able to negotiate with your girlfriend (and her children) to the point that they non longer smoke, but it doesn’t sound as though that’s come to fruition yet.
Can you take a harm reduction approach? (That is, come up with some reasonable boundaries, “If you’re going to smoke, I’d prefer you ____”) Relationships are a collaboration and sacrifices may be essential– but sacrifices aren’t a one way street.
I hope that you’ll be able to navigate this experience in a meaningful way.
Upon reading most of these comments, I have come to the conclusion that I am not alone.
Just a over a year ago, my boyfriend and I started dating. This in itself was a pretty big deal for me because I was raised in a religious household and our beliefs are that we try to have partners of the same faith. Growing up, this reasoning was because it helped ones faith stay more constant and not distracted by people who don’t share the same beliefs.
When I was younger, I tried several times to find a partner that belonged to the same religion as me, but I found this was extremely difficult. Some people weren’t interested, and the ones that were weren’t exactly a good fit for me.
I felt miserable because I felt that I would be alone for the rest of my life but one day at work (at a assisted living) I met my boyfriend.
He was sweet, shy, funny, and caring and upon getting to know him more, I learned that his home life and past were not the best.
After high school, he moved to a different town, about an hour and a half away from his best friends. Because of a traumatic event in his past, his efforts in getting his drivers license were postponed and to this day he still does not have it nor a car. He spent his youth messing around with his friends and not thinking much about his future.
After moving to where he lives now, he started smoking weed, occasionally taking X pills and Adderall. Nowadays, he usually only smokes but he spends copious amounts on both weed, bongs, and other equipment. After dating for a few months, I noticed that he used and was at first very alarmed with that fact. Like I mentioned earlier, I grew up in a Godly household and was raised not to smoke or drink because they can both alter our consciousness.
This whole time, I never mentioned any distaste of weed or smoking, but mainly because I fell in love with him. He was my first boyfriend and emotionally he treated me like a Queen. I had never felt beautiful or the perfect size, but to him, he made me feel good.
Over time, however, it became very evident that he had major issues with finances, planning for his future, and simply taking care of himself and his belongings. At one point, he was almost $1,000 in debt with the bank. I helped him pay it off because he had no money and it took him 6 months to pay me back.
I was still, and still am, still in love with him but I am becoming more worried about our future. He has absolutely no idea what he wants to do in the future and is terrible at saving money. I’ve tried to do everything I can to help him, but I’ve found that me helping him out on every whim furthers his issues. The more I try to help him find a job, the more overwhelmed he gets about the thought of possibly returning to school.
Even if he has a lot of issues, I still have a huge place in my heart for him. I love him so dearly and care for him with almost every morsel in my body.
Something I’ve not mentioned earlier is that this past summer I was in a absolutely horrendous job position at work and was consistently stressed out. He then offered me marijuana and me being extremely vulnerable, I took it. I don’t think he did that to take advantage of me, but instead he wanted to help me. I have since stopped smoking after I had one of the worst panic attacks in my life. I was numb this summer and did not feel godly nor happy because I felt I had let my family and myself down.
I’ve explained to him countless times that I don’t like him smoking because he has a ton of financial problems and health problems. But, whenever he and his family or friends hangout, all they do is smoke weed and mess around. It’s what makes them feel good, I get it, but it’s extremely hard for me to be around them both because of my religious conflicts and the fact that I can’t breath when I’m around them. I don’t want to cast any judgement on anyone, I just wish that I can show him why I don’t think doing the things that he’s been doing is right. I’m guilty of bad things too and I’m trying to get better and be better.
I ultimately have my own dreams. I want to be a travel nurse, save money, and buy a beautiful house with my loved one. I have been putting my dreams and schooling aside because I’ve been more focused on him and his problems, but I’ve realized that I literally can’t make him do anything. He is responsible for his own actions. He needs to get professional help, whether it be a therapist or financial advisor or both, and I am not a professional.
I, however, am going to put myself first and have made that clear to him. I love him so much and am thankful for how much he loves me, but I need to put my mental health first.
Please let me know what you all have to say,
Thank you for reading,
Rose
It’s like you took a page from my journal and published it here for me to re-read…
4 years together, and COVID/quarantine seems to have accelerated/exacturbated partner issues.
i’ve always been VERY clear that i had no interest in dating a stoner. Mostly because I’ve watched addiction ruin entire families. I’ve never done pot, no interest. I have no problem with people that do, but im also NOT romantically involved with those people.
In our first few months he tried to get me to budge in my viewpoint. I tried to keep an open mind, thinking who am I to judge if he’s “an addict”? It soon became clear that the inch I gave was the beginnings of the mile he wanted.
Yet again I told him it’s been fun, but my future husband doesn’t do drugs, so we need to go our separate ways.
Within 48 hours or so he texted me with a photo of shattered glass (his bongs/pipes). Told me “you are worth it”.
I stayed because it was a behavior change. He’d taken action. I was unaware be never REALLY stopped. I knew he did it once a year camping with the scouting buddies, but the occassional Friday after work with co-workers he never disclosed.
Camping with MY family in Aug he brought edibles, which I figured was harmless enough. It was MY family after all.
This year, after the annual camping buddies trip, he found more reasons to work late and work often.
One night he came home and his face was SWOLLEN. I’d never been able to TELL he’d been smoking before. It was ridiculous. I called him out. Not in a mean judgemental way. “Are you high?” I asked.
Over the next few weeks he kept trying to hide it. I told him “You seem to be using more frequently, whats the deal?” He made excuses about leftovers from the trip and the friend he was hanging out with. I asked if he planned to continue. He shrugged, then deflected. I asked again for a direct answer and he got defensive. Imagine my surprise *Eyeroll*.
Eventually things got so heated that I asked “what’s the longest you’ve ever been sober (no weed)?” He DIDN’T KNOW. Not a single clue.
So we go round and round and he says “ok starting today I’ll do 30 days sober”.
Shortly after 30 days, his friend offers and the MF uses it to “celebrate” because it’s been more than 30 days.
More denial, more tears, more heartache. I started looking for my own place. He’s STILL trying to “negotiate” with me. He’ll ask me “well how much would you be ok with me smoking?”
Me: “NONE, because now I KNOW you’re an addict. If you want to get treatment, i will support you. If not, we need to be done. Which sucks, because I love you.”
So we danced the “I’ll tell her what she wants to hear” dance for over a month. Followed by the “let’s find other ways to hurt each other before she moves out” dance.
Tomorrow I’m looking at a studio apt and plan to sign a 1 year lease. Maybe he will change, but staying here hasn’t brought me any closer to what I want…
Dear Ariel,
I came upon your post while searching for something that would validate the decision that I think I have made. Just like you were, I am at the verge of ending a committed two year long relationship because of my boyfriend’s marijuana habits. I should note that all of this culminated in the span of three months.
At first, he was an occasional smoker, consuming it every couple of months only with a few of his friends that are partaking in the drug. To be honest, I didn’t mind it back then, since it was so infrequent and I figured I would be a hypocrite because at parties I drink alcohol, so why he wouldn’t be able to do his opiate of choice. Few months ago, his consuming increased. He justified his bringing marijuana to our home with his work related stress, it relaxes his, it isn’t harmful, hes only going to smoke one before the bedtime, and all that jazz. And then it started. What he presented as “one joint before the bed” turned out to him getting high, 20 mins past, then getting high some more, and then some more before passing out Infront of the TV. While he still preformed very well at job and did his fair share of house chores I could tell that he was managing his day and activities all in order to get high as soon as the job was done. Then I began to express my feelings i worries for him, and he stopped, saying it was just a periodical occurrence – he got his fix, so now he was going to be fine for a while.
When our country went to lockdown due to COVID-19, we were in the honeymoon phase. I’ve felt loved, safe and calm. He said he felt the same. Few weeks passed, when one day he returned from his jogging and I could smell pot on him. Said he stopped by his friend’s place and he didn’t pass the offer. It triggered me, but i haven’t said a thing. Very next day it happened again, once more I was trying to be considerate and not jump to any conlusions yet. But then, just like before, he started to rotate his day around planing on how to go visit his friend in order to get high. And with that I do have the problem. My trying to have a heart to heart conversation, ended up with him calling me controlling, ununderstanding, why wont I just give him a chance, let him smoke in our house, see that he won’t over do it. I was such a foolish naive girl. He bought 5 grams of marijuana, would start rolling his first joint at 10AM, and it wouldn’t stop until 3AM next day. His days consisted of being high, scrolling through his phone, watching the Netflix, being in the same clothes as the day before. This went on for five consecutive days and led to me wanting to break up with him. Again, he stopped smoking in the house, but still was going to his friend to get high. Only this time he started to lie about it. Then he started to break his promises to me that he’s actually going where he says he’s going, and not to get high. Then he developed contempt towards me and used an argument we had as an excuse to buy weed.
Again he was smoking in our house like 7-11, with me giving him the silent treatment. When he realized that I have started to pack my things and planing on moving out, he broke down. He was crying, begging me to stay, saying that this time he truly understands, he didn’t think that he had an issue, but now he sees that he was abusing the drug, not just using it. I said to him that his willingness to change must come from within him, not because its something I asked him for. Yes, yes, he agreed. He started to work out, read a book, eat clean, go to bed early. We were slowly returning to the happy loving couple we were. Or so I thought. It lasted less than a week. Last Friday i had to leave the town. While I was packing, he said he had a short business meeting, but he’ll be home shortly. Indeed, he came, drove me to the airport, we said our goodbyes. I took me two days to realize during our phone conversation that he started to smoke again as soon as I’ve left.
I am done. Perhaps he is able to lie to me and deceive me regardless of the weed situation, but this showed the side of my boyfriend that I never saw before. And maybe he could stop with his excessive marijuana (ab)use, but I dont want to gamble with my life hoping that was the only episode and always wondering if he is being sincere with me.
DO NOT LISTEN TO BITTER EX’s
You can live a happy life with a stoner.
Firstly im a 38 year old male, I was an alcoholic for 20 years 4 years ago after 2 failed relationships I gave up on ever dating and decide to stay single. 2 years ago I decided I had to make a change or I was going to kill myself with drinking 2-3ltrs of vodka a week and my Christian father who not in 30 years had I ever seen him drink or take drugs suggested I try cannabis. IT SAVED MY LIFE..
Of course everyone is different, every relationship is different, advice including mine you can only take with a grain of salt and compare it with your own circumstances. Yes there are some potheads who should be dumped as their is no helping them, but that is because that person is the issue not the cannabis. If you genuinely love your partner and they are a kind loving person/parent then you need to keep trying and hopefully you will work out a plan where you and your stoner can be happy.
This is going to be a long post so just a warning if you don’t want to endure a long read from a stoner than scroll past. I’ll give you a bit about my story and how I came to this thread. I was an alco for most of my life, I then was told to try take cannabis because it’s a lot healthier than alcohol, I like to think I am a fairly well educated man, I’ve always worked a good job, I function well in society, everyone says I am a very caring person who usually will help others when I can. After ending a relationship where I lost 2 kids ( where not mine but the mothers ) It send me into a spiral down and it was going to end in me killing myself and there was nothing anyone could say or do to stop me. I gave up my job I closed myself off from society friends and family and basically shut down waiting for the alcohol to do its job and I was happy planning on dying within a year or 2 ( unfortunately my body is very resistant despite what I’ve put it through over the years). I figured I’ve never taken a drug in my life and my own father is telling me I should at least try it so I did.
I spent 6 months growing my own plants (which gave me something to focus on rather than my self-pity). While I learnt how to grow/proper gate/clone/ over the months and many failures and dead plants I also studied cannabis the effects, what it does to your brain, I spent a lot of time reading peoples research like Terence Mckenna, and the more I learnt the more I was intrigued, the more I read about this drug which I had be told my whole life was the devil etc was in fact helping people..
After about 8-9 months my little buds where ready and I then experimented with it for a year.. I hated smoking and didn’t want lung cancer so first tried vaping, I didn’t like it so very quickly ended up with eddibles.. OMG . It was like a mid life wakeup call. I gave up drinking, I stopped feeling sorry for myself, got another job, bought a house, re connected with my friends and family. Some people are going to say oh you just swapped alcohol for cannabis, but taking it never made me feel down, I wasn’t wallowing in my self pity I was venturing into this other world, I would get so high some nights where sometimes I felt like I was talking with not so much GOD as I do not believe we as humans can ever grasp what or who GOD is , but it sure was another being that I can not explain nor ever will understand, however over the months and trips I would ask questions and receive answers that I would then sober up and apply to my life and it changed my life forever.
About 10 months ago I came across a lady who was pretty much in the same state I was the first night I met her she came around to my house we had never met before however I knew her brother from our car club, she came to my house at 10pm ( I live out in the bush pretty much in the middle of nowhere which was a pretty silly thing to do for a young attractive lady) and she was really ready to die that night, she didn’t care who I was if I was going to kill her. She was in a toxic relationship at the time with a very religious man who didn’t show any affection an was previously in a very abusive relationship before that. I fell in love that night and since then we have pretty much spent every day together and we take it one day at a time.
Yes cannabis is a very addictive drug. You have to control it, don’t let it control you.. What a lot of people have said here is correct if you abuse the drug. There was points in our relationship that exactly describes some of the negative effects when you abuse the drug, you do become more loving when you are high, and more angry moody when you are not.
Of course there are some people who are just drug abusers, and they just have chosen to use and abuse it along with their partner. HOWEVER there are many stoners out there who are not and live very happy lives with their partners.
If you think your partner has a problem with cannabis use you need to find out WHY they are escaping, NOT trying to stop them using it.. Because that will never work, they will just resent you and get angry. If they are getting stoned every day why are they getting stoned every day ? You need to sit down with them and not argue but discuss it. It might take 1 decent long discussion it might take 30 discussions over a month or a year. I know me and my partner will still sit down and evaluate my usage and sometimes she says I need to cut back because the negatives are starting to out way the positives, so we do, I stop for a while and have a chat. For us we figured out that I am a dependant on it so I micro dose. I still go to work and function like a normal human I pay our bills she helps out when she cans ( I’m a bit older than she is and have a well paying secure job) . Weed doesn’t even effect our income in fact in helps my income as I also sell it as edibles to old people and people who are in pain both mentally and physically.
I know this is a 2 year old thread but I just wanted to put my 2 cents into the ocean of negative replies to this persons situation.
I will leave you with a few pointers if anyone has just scrolled down.
1. Try and find the root cause of why your partner is taking it
2. Don’t ever try to stop them, you need for them to realise they need to stop or cut back. This you will have to figure out yourself how long you can wait for them to decide or how much you can put up with or if they ever will.
3. Don’t EVER EVER EVVVVERRR financially support your stoner partner. Because that will stop any progess you are trying to make with them.. If they want to get stoned they need to work or grow their own.
4. Love them, realise that they probably actually don’t want to be stoned every day.. Anyone who is getting stoned every single day has some serious issues going on inside their mind and its not going to be easy to crack that shell to get to the root of the problem to help you both
So sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to let people know there is light at the end of some tunnels, and you might be throwing away a relationship with a very loving and caring person who just needs your help..
If anyone needs any help or advice or wants to talk about their situation I’ll keep coming back to this post every now and again
I came across this thread because my own situation has been on my mind over the last few days and I am not sure what to do.
My current boyfriend is one of the most genuine and caring people I will probably ever meet. He is funny, smart, kind, talented, strong, patient, gentle, diligent, fearless, so good with people, I could go on and on. We have a true friendship and were inseparable last summer before I went away to my first year of college. He cares for me and treats me so well and has always been there, no matter where we were in life and with our relationship.
He and I were raised in very different homes. He has 2 older brothers that use substances heavily, he has also seen his parents go through a lot of difficult situations. He saw and experienced some things at a very young age that I don’t know if I could bear to see now. But despite all these things he continues to want to love genuinely and succeed and it inspires me every day to watch him. My parents both were involved with drugs and difficult upbringings before they had us girls. They sobered up though, and raised us in a beautiful home and we lived a beautiful life. They were not perfect and my family did have many struggles but I am so grateful for being shown a healthy, stable, family dynamic.
I actually broke up with him last summer before I left for school because our relationship was unhealthy. I was an emotional mess. He was smoking several times a day most of the time and dealing with his own struggles. But I’m not naive to weed and alcohol, I tried my fair share before accepting that it just simply wasn’t me. My high school friends all loved it, saying it enhances the way you see things and makes the hard parts of life a bit easier to swallow for a while. They say it’s harmless, and maybe from a biochemical standpoint it is, in that it’s not “addictive.” But I’ve seen the harm it can do firsthand. And I know I don’t want that in my life. Which is something I still have time to control.
Long story short, several extreme and unexpected changes in both of our lives have occurred over the last several months. We’re back together now and he’s been sober for almost three months. He knows where I stand on weed – I get that it’s not a “big deal” drug but I just am not comfortable what it does to his life and our relationship and I know the damage it can do. It’s not to be taken lightly and it’s important to me. He respects and understands my take on it and has chosen not to smoke anymore, but I know he doesn’t see it as a big deal and still wants to sometimes, especially with his brother and some of our friends from high school. I want him to be happy and be able to be himself. But if the only reason he’s sober is for me, is this sustainable long term? I just get scared of something happening down the road because we didn’t prepare properly and I know that I am not giving him my best or protecting myself if I sit by when there is something that I know in my head and my heart isn’t okay.
What can we do to make sure this doesn’t become a problem? Are we smart, on the same side, and on the right track? These are the questions I’m facing right now.
Dear Ariel,
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I would like to share mine, and give all the readers a very strong warning against the situation you described.
20 years ago, I was in my early 20’s and I fell in the love with the kindest, most beautiful girl I had ever met at the time. She was my everything. We dated for 4 years and I proposed and married her. At the time we started dating, I knew she smoked marijuana, because she would smoke when we went to parties. But I was not with her 24/7, and I did not know how much she smoked. I honestly did not have a problem with her smoking, because I thought weed was “natural”, “safe”, “non addictive” “non harmful”- . I never smoked because I was training for a career that drug tested and my career would be ruined. But it never bothered me that she did. Shortly after we married and moved in together, I realized that she smoked a lot more then I imagined. She was smoking nightly, after work, and on weekends with her girlfriends when they would come over. But I still didn’t have an issue with it. I was in my mid 20’s and I knew people dying of heroine overdoses. Weed was nowhere on my radar.
A year or two passed, and I saw her smoke more and more and more.
When we moved out of our condo and into a house with garage.
She would spend hours in the garage getting high, talking to her girlfriends on the phone.
We had a young baby, just bought a house, and she was not working to be able to take care of our newborn. We were living check to check and I was doing everything I could to make ends meet. This is when her weed habit started to strain our relationship and life the most.
Since we were only on one income, and our expenses increased dramatically because of the house, i realized how much money she was spending on marijuana for the first time.
She was buying bags of weed for $400 that would last her a month.
It was such a big expense for us, that I unfortunately made the decision to start purchasing it through a personal friend of MINE, instead of her dealer, to make sure I was “getting the most for my money”…..
It was at this very moment, that my transformation as her “enabler” became complete. When she would run out, after a few days she would be so desperate for her stash, that she would start yelling at me to go meet my friend. After doing this for a while, I told her That I was very nervous going to do these pick ups, because I drove a company car, and my career would be ruined if I was caught, and our lively hood was at stake. She would make fun of me for being scared and keep bullying me until I refilled her stash.
During this year, I got aggravated with her, and stopped buying it and told her I am not giving her money anymore for Marijuana. She started hanging out with her pot smoking girlfriends 3 or 4 times a week, to meet them and smoke their weed. When I would ask her how is she getting weed, she would say “my friends give it to me free”
Needless to say, When her friends would eventually come to my house for a birthday party of something, they would ask me for money, to repay all the weed my wife smoked.
This went on … FOR YEARS.
I was financing and purchasing her marijuana at the risk of losing my job for over ten years.
She would sit out in the garage, and get stoned daily.
By the time she came in from the garage, I would be exited to spend some alone time with her, and should be so high, that it was impossible to talk with her, or connect in any meaningful way! If we sat down for a movie, she was asleep in 5 minutes.
Her sex drive was ZERO, her motivation for going for walks, talking our kids out, attending family events…..ZERO. Her motivation for improving herself and going back to school, or improving her job skills…. ZERO.
All she wanted to do, was go sit in that garage and get high.
After many years passed and I would complain about it. She starting going to her friends house (at this point my wife is 38 years old with two kids) and sitting in her friends garage and smoking weed, while her friends younger brother would have younger, single men, hanging out inside snorting cocaine.
She would come home at 3 in the morning, puking in the toilet, and be useless all weekend, while I took our kids to their sports games and weekend events. She would sit in her robe hungover and watch TV, and go to the garage and smoke more weed.
I tried so many times to get her to cut down her usage, she would lie again an again. She would call me “controlling” a “psycho” she would say ” its natural” “its impossible to get addicted” and she would constantly try to convince me to use it with her so we “could be on the same wavelength”
The end of this story is we got divorced after 14 terrible years of marriage, and I lost everything financially I worked for. I know now, that I enabled her addiction. I know it robbed my ex wife of her passion to Live, her motivation to improve her life, it robbed her of having a healthy connection with our kids. it destroyed our sex life. and ultimately destroyed our marriage. I believe in the oath I took, and I did everything I could to save our marriage, and that ended up giving her the power to make me enable her to consume more marijuana.
For anyone reading this, please understand if you have a partner that smokes marijuana please understand how serious it is and what the possible outcome of your life is.
Obviously, not all users end up like my wife. But I am finding out my story is a lot more common then people think. The danger with weed is that it makes you complacent, and slowly, quietly destroys your passion and marijuana. The user is happy just “chillin out” on the couch, watching TV, eating some food. And people are so content, they do not realize their hope and dreams are being robbed but this drug that makes you so content you lose your motivation.
I hope my story helps someone. I hope you realize what you might be getting into before you end up like me.
Blessings…..
I do not even know where to start. I got together with my bf 7 years ago. He lost his job from testing positive for THC. I only agreed to stay because he promised it would stop. I found out just over a year ago that he was getting high behind my back. I have been trying to accept it all this time, first the lies, and now the truth and it makes me crazy. He is literally high from the moment he wakes up until the moment he goes to sleep. I have so much resentment for all of this. I didn’t want to be with an addict, and now we have years invested in this relationship. How do I just walk away? How do I start over? I feel for everyone in this thread that is in the same position.
Hi. I’m going through something very similar. My bf took an edible once and I lost it. Like I lost total control of myself, I could barely sleep for a week. He’s a smart guy with a bright future so I made him promise me that he wouldn’t do it more than once a month, and he agreed. However, that’s not enough for me. He recently promised me that he wouldn’t do it for 6 months so it would give me time to get my thoughts together and figure out this anxiety of mine. And again, I trust him. He’s 16 and very nerdy/geeky and we’ve been dating for almost 2 years and he loves me so I know he won’t break his promise. I’m trying very hard to realize that getting high once a month isn’t a problem, and that it won’t change who he is, but I’m finding it hard really believing it. I’ve never done it myself and grew up in a very strict household which probably plays an influence. I’m just not sure how to go about this. He did compromise with the maximum once a month thing, which meant a lot to me, and I know he’ll stay true to it. I just can’t seem to wrap my mind around how getting high once a month with his friends is not a big deal
This thread has stirred up a troublesome soup in my gut. I have been overwhelmed by personal shame and fear as I read through these stories from voices who sound so familiar, like ghosts of my past.
I’m a man who smokes excessively.
It makes problems between my partner and I which are unmistakably a by product of my use.
I know I have a problem, I have lost any confidence in my ability to exercise discretion in my habits and it makes me scared to death that I will never regain control. That I might never have had it.
I am a stoner you have all met, maybe liked: ambitious, smart, diverse in talents, and working some dead end job if I’m not unemployed.
I make some art that sells well sometimes and I’m constantly looking for work. When I have had it I failed to live up to the few financial expectations my partner deserved, and have routinely dismissed the topic of my weed use and the financial impact it has on our life.
I see myself slipping closer and closer toward demonstrating a character she does not admire, but still she fights to look past my shortcomings.
I am, that all being said, a good partner. She tells me so, anyhow. I am understanding, patient, kind, and usually positive. Her daughter loves me, we have all kinds of common interests and she seems to feel comfortable hanging out with me. My partner and I support eachother so perfectly, and compliment eachother so frequently. We have a good relationship, and she can even be tolerant of my use up to a point, but I often bypass that point.
I am so scared to lose her. We have a wonderful life together, but I find the idea of mediating my use so inexplicably difficult at times.
My mind becomes like knots when she tries to ask me about my use. I feel indignant, yet shameful, prideful yet small. I want to believe that I am justified to use however I want, and at the same time I see the discomfort and distress I am causing her. My attitude can be dismissive, and plain rude. But it all feels so powerful and so personal.
I have been smoking daily for nearly twelve years, and I have a great deal of difficulty imagining my life without it. I have attempted moderation in pursuit of fairness for my partner, but inevitably find myself unable to control my own use. The idea of having somebody else dictate my rate of consumption makes me feel like a child, and deprives the experience of the independence and freedom that I so deeply crave in cannabis use.
I cannot resolve all of this in my heart. I know I will continue to attempt moderation, and perhaps in time I will find success in it, but I’m afraid I will lose her before I strike that balance.
I’m not certain why I am writing this here. I think I want advice. I think I want to stop feeling conflicted.
Dear Ariel,
I’m in the exactly same boat as you. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over two years and I knew it from the beginning that he smokes pot. At first I thought it was an occasional thing but gradually I realised that be can’t go a day without it. Even when we go to trips with my friends, he would always get high and sometimes he would roll a joint in the moving car. My friends also see that this is a problem and I just feel embarrassed to go out with him in public or around my friends. He gives the excuse that it’s for his anxiety or depression but he never saw a doctor to get it prescribed. Sometimes, he would get out of bed to smoke one because he can’t sleep without it and I’m left wondering whether my whole life is gonna look like this or even worse.
I grew up in a family where we never had any kind of drugs or even alcohol and I saw how happy my parents were. On the other hand his family memebers are completely opposite and according to him, his childhood was not a happy one. I feel empathetic towards him and see his vulnerable side, which draws me closer to him, but I also see his heavy dependency on weed which scares me because this is not a life I want.
About 6 months ago, we almost got married despite his addictive habits, but at the last moment, we decided that we needed time to figure out our own career path first. My parents and my extended family did not really support our marriage at that time and even now, they’re not happy with our relationship. At first I thought that maybe their perspectives are different from mine because I get along with him well. However, I’ve had 6 months to re-evaluate the situation and look at the relationship from outer perspective and honestly, I feel worried about my own life with him.
Whenever I talked to him about his smoking, he would get defensive and argue that this is a natural herb and there are lots of drugs that are worse. His final word is that this is who he is because he has been smoking since he was a teenager and if I can’t accept it, then maybe this relationship won’t work out. I’ve been back and forth regarding my decision because I do love him and I am emotionally dependent on him, but also I am afraid of our future together because fundamentally I can not accept this habit and I will never feel comfortable around it. I’m still struggling with my decision because we have our whole life planned out and he really does love me. So walking away from him would also mean that I’m shattering all the future plans we made that we were really looking forward to. I still don’t know how things will plan out but at this moment, I’m just really really scared because no matter which path I choose, I only see myself being unhappy.
Who cares? It is pot. I wonder why you would take up with someone whose lifestyle you don’t agree with. I would never date someone I was incompatible with (or let them date me) and try to change them.
Wow Ariel,
I have been where you are and I made the decision to step out of the relationship and to find someone that was more aligned with a drug free home. I too was raised in a very drug and alcohol free home. They did not demonize it, but it was never something done in my home and yet we were always laughing and having fun without it. When I am around groups of high people, whether it be from drinking or other drugs, they just all seem so over the top. They really don’t understand how it alters their personality. For most of them, I like their personalities better when they are sober! So, good luck to you. Mr. drug free is out there waiting on you and it is really nice when kids can grow up and see that you can be very happy without it…
Dear Ariel
First of all I really do feel for you. You are a very wise girl and have fallen for someone with an addictive habit.
My husband and I got together when we were 21. He smoked weed for fun with the boys… To chill. I was told to lighten up. I got drunk with my mates so what was the difference.
The occasional spliff on the weekend or in a month turned to every weekend which turned gradually to every night.
Once our son hit 16 he told him what he was doing in the shed in the evening. At 17 our son started to go in with him. I could not over rule as he was his son too. It hadn’t done him any harm had it. He had always worked. He still works. He doesn’t go out socialising he does it at home.
It now impacts my life. My son is addicted. My daughter hates being at home because of the smell. I can’t invite people or family around in case they work out what’s going on. Please if you want advice… Get out now. It will be hard. You love the man. But don’t be me. Don’t wait 20 years and see the effect it has on your children.
Hard as it is. You know the right decision to make. It’s just difficult to do it.
Good luck to you sweet girl.
Im in the same boat, my partner and I are in our late 30’s, he is a smoker, im not, I have no problem with but he HAS to do it every night and cant possibly go without it. My friends and family arent smokers so im too embarrassed to invite them around, i dont want to socialise with my partners friends because they are all stoners too, and now our 19 year old son is as well, i often feel uncomfortable in my own home because its not something i want to be around yet im stuck in the middle, they call me judgemental and reckon im being stuck up, righteous and high and mighty, i think they are boring, juvenile and need to get a life but i know my partner especially is never going to change, when we first talked about moving in together obviously the habit was discussed but even though we have both compromised on the issue it still just doesnt work, he gives it up for me then he reckons he will be miserable, i continue to put up with it then im miserable, its a no win situation, in hindsight I wish i had just walked away the minute i realised he was a regular user
Thanks for your story. My advice would be to move on from him-as hard as that might be for you. At 37 years old, I have been dealing with a boyfriend that has smoked weed for 20 years and I cannot take it anymore. We are never on the same level. I have all of the responsibility while he forgets everything. Trust me, he won’t change. Don’t waste your life with someone like that!
Good luck.
Hi Ariel,
You already have had hundreds of responses here. I came across your post because my husband whose much older than I just quit smoking and is going to be using edible marijuana to deal with anxiety. My case is different than yours but I do not support my husbands use of marijuana. Going from one substance to another is not what i can support. Anyway.
I am in my mid 30’s and i was always extremely uncomfortable with drug use- i still am. If youre not married and finally independent and your boyfriend cannot make compromises at this stage, then id say move on from this man. Much that you love him, he must love you back the same way. I know its going to be extremely painful to walk away from him but imagine having kids and his and his friends influence on your kids. Your kids, his family and friends will all be into pot and you’ll be the odd one out, regretting ever getting into this situation. There are lots of nice men out there who will be worthy of your love and you of theirs. Something like this that challenges your core values will never be OK with you- and definitely not if you see your kids into this lifestyle.
Walk away before youre heartbroken and miserable. Going through a marriage breakup with kids is not worth it.
What should I do when my boyfriend’s friends smoke weed? I told my boyfriend to stop seeing/associating himself with those friends but I’ve been called controlling by my own friends and other people. Quite frankly I don’t think I am controlling at all. I just don’t want to be wasting my time with someone who hangs around people who are not a good influence to him. He used to smoke weed a year ago and said he has stopped smoking ever since then yet he brought pot into his home with his friends. They made pot brownies. He tried selling it to two girls to get “rid of it” which heated me up even more. Even if he doesn’t smoke weed anymore, I still get anxious that he will when he is around his friends since they all smoke it so I told him to stop seeing them and now he barely has any friends. I’ve been convincing him to find new friends who don’t smoke and don’t do crazy things but he just doesn’t seem to be doing that. He says he will find better friends yet I don’t see a difference. His friends are very sweet people to talk to but I hate that they peer pressured my boyfriend to smoke in the past. We have fought so many times about this to where our relationship came to a halt. We got back together but I am still always anxious. I just have a strong hatred for pot and people who smoke it. I know I shouldn’t hate people for it but it really gets under my skin and I just need advice on what to do. I’ve tried making myself not care about what my boyfriend does but I love him so much that I want to care and I want to see him be around better people. Every guy I have dated has smoked pot with their friends. It’s inevitable. It just never leaves my life… I wish it could. I’m not sure if I am better off being single forever because the thought of him smoking even if he has told me has has quit it just never leaves my mind. My boyfriend is literally the one for me. We both are very much alike and a great couple. We nearly never fight, and when we do it’s always the same unresolved problem which is the fact that he used to smoke pot and is around friends who smoke it. He has told me that him smoking pot is all in the past but I beg to differ. I believe that if he hangs around people who smoke pot, then it isn’t in the past, it is in the present because he still is around it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, please.
I have been married to a marijuana addict for 25 years. He has been a chronic pot smoker for 40 years. I used to think “it’s only pot”, but over the years I feel it has affected his ambition and drive, and his ability to support a family – much less himself. I can’t remember a day when he has not gotten high. Its very disappointing to be with someone who needs to be high as often as possible to get through life. I commend you on listening to your inner voice and sticking with what you feel is right. You will not regret your decision.
Ariel,
Anyone who stays with someone who chooses any kind of drug over you then you’ve got a serious problem. You want someone who is and believes like you do. When it comes to things where you have been raised so differently about there is only one answer. You are not a good match and you never will be. It will be a constant problem your whole life. Find someone who doesn’t use pot or drugs of any kind. Why would you want it to be part of your life. There are plenty of other guys in the world who don’t use pot, drugs, etc., who want success, a happy marriage and children and would most certainly put you first above all else. Find that guy and say goodby to the dopehead.
Try it with him , I wasn’t a fan at first but , it’s kind of the best feeling better than drinking alcohol weed you can actually control yourself alcohol you have no clue and no control drinking more likely is going to get him more caught up but I’ve been around it basically my whole life I just got my mom on it her attitude and her stress just goes away , we smoke together me and my boyfriend long car rides at night with music on best feeling , but also than again I’ve been around it a long time but if you actually do research weed is basically the new medicine! Doctors prescribe it for everything because it helps and works !
First i’d Like to reply to Fred carrot, your reply clearly shows the simple fact that having a weed addiction definitely stunts the nature in which your brain matures. I’d be willing to bet your hygiene isn’t so great as well. But smoke another one, it’s just what you need. 🙄. Dear Ariel and many others here, I hope my post helps see what your future most likely holds. I am 50 years old, my husband & I have been together for 27 years. I’ll try to get to the point fairly quickly. When we met we were in our early 20’s, we partied, we drank and my husband was a heavy pot smoker, but I was ok with that, I even smoke occasionally with him, but it was never anything all that fun to me. I’d say after being together 6 months, I just stopped smoking all together. He continued as his father, brother,uncles and cousins all smoked. After about a year or a little more, we got serious about our future, and together decided our drinking and pot smoking days were over, time to grow up I guess you could say. We were living in an apartment and we decided to buy a home together, so we needed to find better paying jobs. I waitressed and worked in a hair salon, he found a good paying job that drug tested randomly. We bought our home and life was nice. We were together five years and got married. As the years went on I worked part time and raised our 2 boys. My husband just spent money like crazy! He went from one interest to another, trucks, dirt bikes, quads, motorcycles, cars, you name it! We were going into debt, but if he wasn’t able to obtain his latest interest.. watch out! He’d throw fits which over time caused me severe anxiety. It’s as if he was trying to fill a void with material things. I always and still handle the finances so I’d spend countless hours trying to figure out how to come up with the money for him to make his next purchase. This went on up until about two years ago. I know, shame on me for not leaving his ass after all he put me through, but somehow we still find love even in our abusers, plus I put all my eggs in one basket so financially, I depend on him. Suddenly it seemed like he got it, he stopped spending frivolously. And our marriage was better. But I noticed something different about him, I swore he was smoking weed?? I asked him countless times and he said no, I don’t smoke pot, I don’t want to smoke pot! But still, his eyes were bloodshot, he was giddy, and was acting like a kid? I questioned on and off for two years, and believe me, after more than 25 years, you know when something’s off. If I ran to the store or to pick up take out in the evening, I’d come home and he had taken out the trash or loaded something in the truck, meanwhile when I left, he was vegging on the couch. I questioned him, I got screamed at, “ what, I’m not allowed outside” I replied, “yea, you are, but why every time I leave do you find something to do outside !!” I’m watching these constant mood swings, one minute he’s rubbing my back and telling me I’m beautiful and how much he loves me, the next he’s yelling and angry at anything. Down right nasty! He was in a mood one night. We were out to dinner and he was just so hostile, I’m like, what is your problem? He told me in the resteraunt to shut the f#%^ up, or his cup of chowder would end up in my face! I was heartbroken. The mood swings were getting violent. Finally the next day, he had been outside working in the yard, and this past November , a week before thanksgiving I suspected he was high, I asked him if he was smoking and he said yes, you know I have been. And I’m almost 50 years old, and we should be at a point in our life together that I should be able to smoke a hit or two after work to relax. He told me when we went to visit his father in Maine, he gave him a jar full of weed, his father grows his own, my father inlaw.. a 70 year old pot head. My husband said he’d only been smoking for about 3 months behind my back, but I know after years and years of what I thought might be bipolar, of mood swings always aimed at me, he’s been smoking on and off for many years. The constant money spending was filling the void of his addiction, the weed was the void. I compromised with him, we agreed he’d grow his own, he only smoked a few hits after work. He lied, he’s now buying weed, he smokes after he gets home from work until he passes out on the couch, he smokes from about noon time until he passes out on the couch on the weekends. I never thought I’d be a 50 year old woman married to a 50 year old pothead. If we sit down to have a cup of coffe after work, and talk about our day, he loses focus, he gets distracted easily. He smokes in the basement, how long does it take to take a couple hits? He’s not., he’s smoking a half a joint and enjoying his high , loses track of time and 2 hours later.. he comes up for supper. So, Ariel, my advise to you, RUN! I wish I new then, what I know now. It’s a life with an addict, I hear all your boyfriends excuses and manipulations in your story, he wants his cake and eat it too, or ‘his pot and smoke it too”. It’s tough, because there is that good side of him that you love, but he loves his pot more than you. You may leave and he’ll promise to stop to win you back, but I would hate to see you waste as many years as I have only to end up guessing about your future when he repeatedly dissapoints you and the best years of your life have passed you by. Your not uptight, your not wrong, your not an addict. I sit beside my husband as he rests his head in his hand, totally stoned. I’m alone.
Good lord this whole story is a bummer and you totally ruined my high. Let the dude smoke weed, he probably needs it just to be able to deal with you. I’m gonna go smoke one right now in his honor, poor bastard. If I was him I would make a huge deal every time you took a sip of alcohol or took a pill for whatever aches and pains you have. “NOT IN MY HOUSE!!! NO TYLENOL AROUND MY KIDS!!! THINK OF OUR SON, POOR LITTLE JACKSON, AND WHAT KIND OF EXAMPLE YOU ARE GIVING HIM”. People in glass houses etc etc etc.
Are you telling the poster that her b/f doesn’t in fact have substance abuse? That’s a very dangerous road. There’s no way you could tell that for sure, from her letter. If anything, I would say it’s definitely leaning that way, since he’s risking his relationship with her, for it. It’s quite typical.
Hy girl I totally feel you. You know why I am surfing in this topic right? Yours & mine situations are same from starting to the end except our relationship had been 4years now he also says same things just like your boyfriend I too wanted him to give up even right now while I type he is smoking weed with his friends I feel hurt ever since he took weed he is all cheesy lovely perfect boyfriend he laughs so beautifully only when he is high other times he is completely opposite even rude mean & scolds me offen he is like always in defense mode whenever I try to make him understand things(normal things not weed) where he is wrong today here & now I decided to ignore his weed habit & pay attention to it but this time I will completely before also I tried but I couldn’t after all I love him I care for his health before when I didn’t pay attention he was least bothered to even notice he kept doing same it’s just there was nobody to nag my babe changed completely his nature his way of talking his way of understanding me inside out everything changed every single thing I feel as if he just don’t wants me to leave him & other things like my feelings concerned dissapointment is too little for his attention I feel so hurt I feel so sad why do my heart ache everytime why do I still keep pretending as if nothing happened
Dude, no joke, I am in the EXACTTTT same situation. Thank you Jesus that there is someone else out there and I’m not the only one. We’ve been together for 2 and a half years as well, except the only difference is that he’s 20 and I’m 19. I hate it. It’s mind altering and it smells like a dead skunk. It makes his breath smell horrible. I’ve threatened to leave him and he basically didn’t care. The problem is that we have a 9 month old daughter too. Also, long story short, he wants a bunch of stuff that’s going to be worth about $1100 and I offered to pay for it all (I had the money) as long as he quits, and he refused. Please help. I hate when he does this. I hate sitting inside watching our child while he goes out there, gets high, comes back inside smelling like a dead skunk and kisses all over my child. He won’t stop. A year ago he promised he would. Maybe a month passed and he was back at it. Once we were struggling and he didn’t have a job. We had to wait a whole extra month for it to get out of his system so he could pass a drug test. Now he’s got a “relaxed” job with a moving company and they all smoke together at work!!!! I don’t know what to do!!!!
hi everyone. my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and I get so anxious around the thought of him smoking weed. When we started dating, I didn’t know that he had smoked it for the first time the week before but after that he did it more and I did know. I never told him that I don’t like it because I don’t want to be “that” girlfriend or make it a thing but during the summer when he was drinking and smoking more, I was on the verge of considering breaking up with him. I don’t even know if he still smokes it anymore, he hasn’t mentioned it but I think he might have figured out that I don’t like it because he asked me about it once and I said I didn’t love it but it was his decision (which is an understatment – I hate it). Now it’s to the point when if he meets with certain friends or goes out for drinks I get consumed by anxiety that he’s smoking. I know that his friends smoke it and that at least one of them tries other drugs and if he ever started other drugs I would have to leave him, which is one of the reasons I probably hate weed so much. But honestly I don’t even know why it freaks me out so much, but it consumes my whole mind and body. I’m lying in bed right now in the verge of tears feeling sick with anxiety because he’s gone to the cinema with his friends and they met up an hour earlier – which is a normal enough thing to do – but my brain is like HES SMOKING IT. I know I should talk to him about it but I’m worried even if he tells me he doesn’t anymore or that he will quit for me that I won’t believe him. And as great as these stories have been to show me I’m not alone they also show how many people have lied about quitting. I just hate this so much.
Hi you’ve all helped me get a really interesting perspective, thank you!
This seems super long so you’ve been warned fellow reader:)
My bf and I have been together for a year and a half now, our only issue has been his use of weed so:
I’ve always had a tainted mentality on weed. My mother has schizophrenia and in school it was drilled into my head that there was a link between genetics and/or weed. I don’t live with her because she’s too unpredictable but whenever I visited as a child, there was never any food in the house and her creep of a partner was always super sketchy and obviously so -(all the butter knives were ruined and he would be leaning over the stove with a knife in each hand, enjoying what i now know to be weed).
My dad on the other hand is a landlord and we’ve had our variety of horrible tenants. We live in Nz, so.. relatively chill bunch of locals, but we’ve had people unable to pay rent because of their drug habits etc, police drug busts and just the whole vibe of their lifestyle was really unappealing for me.
( NOTE that I’m not against smoking weed I do have friends that smoke to relax and have fun and my best friend is dating the sweetest stoner that I know, I’m just explaining my personal viewpoint lol )
So my boyfriend, when we first started dating would only occasionally smoke at parties and he asked me how I felt about it and I wasn’t really too bothered since it was just a very casual thing. I used to light up a cigarette at parties too sometimes but he didn’t like that and told me to stop, so I did. Simple, easy breezy.
About 6 months into our relationship (once high school had finished) he started hanging out with his friends a lot more and they were getting into smoking weed, it was becoming a weekend thing that I would be sitting in on- sober. It was okay for a while I mean I could see how much fun they would have, I also never had an issue about not smoking when everyone else did ..but it turned into almost every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. I was getting sick of the repeated weekends and we weren’t doing anything together as a couple other than going to see him and his friends “smoke”.
My friends were getting so pissed off at him and they wanted me to leave him but I always believed in us.
I started to ask if we could do more things together but he never wanted to. (Example; his family asked if we wanted to go to the beach, he knows i LOVE the beach and he said no for us both because he didn’t feel like it).
This was going on for a few months and my self esteem was going down the drain, I felt undervalued and under appreciated. He had also been unemployed for a few months too so I was paying for a lot of things but I never really minded about that.
So fast forward to 3 months ago. My dad had a major stroke, brain-bleed and he almost died but was left with only half of his body functioning. He had no function down his left side. It was a horrible time for me and I was kinda clingy that week because I didn’t want to be alone at home. That same week my cousin tried to commit suicide and she has been a stoner for years however I didn’t think much of it because she was obviously heavily dependent but she never cared (she made it seem like no big deal). She had three young kids and it broke my heart that she didn’t want to live anymore. I blamed it on her dependency on weed. I don’t know if that’s rational of me but it all became overwhelming for me and I ended up becoming extremely sad and unmotivated. I couldn’t go to University or work because I felt so much anxiety and reluctancy to do anything.
Meanwhile, my boyfriend kept smoking on the weekends. I was getting really anxious about how much he was smoking more and more and I asked if he could cut back a bit because I was worried about him. He said he would but he didn’t. I asked him again a few weeks later when he began smoking during the weekdays too (he still is jobless by the way so that’s all he did) and he said he would.
He then asked for some time alone, I was still clingy ok, so I spent the week at home. He ended up going over to his friends every night that week and smoking every night. I was starting to feel really hurt and disrespected, I ended up crying when I saw him next and I told him again how uncomfortable it made me because I was really scared he would be dependent and end up in a bad place.
He reassured me he wouldn’t (his friends smoke way more, every night) and promised me he would just stop smoking all together. (I didn’t ask for this remember) I asked him again and again if he was sure about that and he says “this.. me smoking isn’t good for us”. I believed him.
He smokes that weekend.
And I cry because ???? What??? Why ? He said he “had changed his mind about which weekend to quit smoking on” I was like ??? I felt so hurt but I let it go.
He kept smoking every time we were with his friends. It became such a ritual for him and his friends and I felt so hurt. Fast forward to last month.
We had been going through this cycle of me being hurt because of the string of promises he makes and then breaks in the same week. I was feeling very vulnerable at the time too because of my dad trying to recover and trying to balance University and Work so I felt like he wasn’t supporting me.
I broke down and had a huge panic attack when I saw him smoke again after he literally swore to me he was done for a “while”.
I’m so sorry if you’re reading this it’s so exhausting lol I wish I didn’t play myself like this 🙂
After my meltdown he calmed me down and comforted me, assured me that he just didn’t realise how I felt and that he really would stop. I was just getting so overwhelmed because it was his many promises breaking and his lack of respect that I couldn’t understand and accept. This time was very different because I could see that he truly knew. Right?
Five days after (last week lol)
He smokes 🙂
He was acting shady all day and then I finally called him and asked him if he smoked and he just says “yes”.
I was so hurt I felt so betrayed I didn’t speak to him for three days and I was thinking about ending it with him. We’re o…ka..y now but we’ve been talking this past week now about perhaps not being together anymore but we both don’t want that ? I love him so much and other than this- we do have a really good time together.
I just don’t know anymore I’ve lost the trust that I had for him and I don’t know if I even want it to return again? If that makes sense :/
Maybe if I just ignore my worry and heartache at the whole “him-smoking-too-much” thing, it could work out? I don’t know I don’t kNow but I am still worried for him.
He just got a job now so atleast he has that to focus on rather than just smoking-withthe-boys but I don’t know. I’m so lost 🙂 I love him with everything but I think I’ve just hurt myself by staying in this situation.
Cheers if you actually read that
I’m sorry it’s long and messy, towards the end especially – it’s 5:20am and I can’t sleep the whole thing probably doesn’t make much sense.
Love,
-J
I’m glad to know that I’m not alone.
When I first met my fiance, I made it clear to him about my deal breakers even before we started dating because it was very important for me to find someone who meets my standards. I told him that I would never date someone who smokes weed, does any kind of drugs, or smokes cigarettes. He used to smoke a lot of weed when he was younger but he quit doing it 2-3 years before he met me. He never promised me that he’s never going to smoke again but he made it sound like he was ok with the idea of never smoking again. Thus, I started dating him despite the fact that he used to smoke in the past.
We’ve been together for over 3 years and have been engaged for a few months. He fessed up recently that he started smoking weed again 3-4 weeks ago because he was dealing with a very difficult time in his life. He told me that he’ll continue smoking it and has no intention of quitting even if that means I’ll leave him. He said I should accept him for who he is instead of trying to change him.
I feel very betrayed, hurt, and sad…because he’s always known that this is an absolute deal breaker to me. I’ve never done any kinds of drugs, including weed, and I never want to try it. If I knew that he’d go back to smoking, I wouldn’t have even gone out with him in the first place.
I love him very much. I’ve never loved someone so hard…never worked so hard to work things out in a relationship before. I do believe that everyone should be able to be who they truly are while in a relationship. I do believe that we should accept each other for who he/she is. However, I also believe that you should never have to settle for less or lower your standards to be with someone. I believe that everyone should be aware or and respect their partner’s deal breakers. He should have never asked me out if this was going to be a problem.
I’ve already let go of some of my other deal breakers (him using foul language all the time, his lack of being considerate in public area aka throwing trash anywhere or peeing anywhere in public even if he had an option to use a nearby bathroom, etc) and have learned to embrace these things about him because I love him so much…because there are more things about him that I love than things that bother me.
I tried to tell him my thoughts but he doesn’t want to hear it. I told him that he needs to figure out what’s more important in his life and choose between weed and having me in his life. He couldn’t choose one but keeps insisting that he’s not quitting. So I told him that I’ll have to do my life without him if he chooses to continue smoking. I’m giving him one week to re-think and hopefully make a decision that he won’t regret. If he’s happy smoking weed even though that means he’ll lose me, I’ll be broken-hearted but I’ll be ok knowing that he chose what makes him happy.
If he still chooses to smoke after a week, I’ll have to just accept the reality, suck it up, and move on. I love him very much but don’t want to be with someone who keeps causing me to lower my standards in a man. I definitely don’t want to be with someone who says he loves me so much but is still choosing weed over me. He keeps telling me that he’s not choosing anything over me…that I’m the one that’s choosing to leave him. But come on…I was upfront about my deal breakers even before we started dating.
I can totally relate to all of these comments. I met my now fiancé almost 3 years ago and I knew he smoked marijuana but didn’t realize how serious it was until I got pregnant and moved in with him. When he would be running low on his supply his personality would change, like when I would call him at work he would sound depressed and I would have to force conversation which would frustrate me and cause arguments. But as soon as he gets more weed and smokes he’s back to normal. I put stipulation on the marijuana use when we had the baby but like every substance abuser he sort of changed his use then when I was a little lax he gradually started using more and more. The earlier part of this year he had a heart attack and then stopped all together. But some how he started smoking black and milds and once I got on him about those then he started smoking the e cig and got back on marijuana. He is vaping marijuana oil and smoking the e cig. It’s so frustrating because I tell him I don’t want him hitting his marijuana vape while drivinv our kids and gets mad. I don’t know how much I can take. If it were legal in our state and he had a prescription then that would be a little different, but he doesn’t. I’m tired of feeling like a nag and also tired of him getting mad when I try to get him to stop or choose a different time to do it. I don’t have an addictive personality so I don’t know what it’s like.
Would you be ok with him reducing his consumption, let’s say to more special occasions like parties, concerts, weekends? Would he be ok with that? Both are in opposite ends of the spectrum, … so, could you both meet in the middle? (Btw I’m in a similar situation). However, it seems like if you marry him, weed will always be around on some level. Even when you have kids… it’s time to have that discussion now and figure it out before it’s too late…. save yourselves some trouble and resentfulness …
I don’t know wether I’m posting this onto this discussion but If it doesn’t please someone post it. I’m michael and I’m in high school fresh out of 9th grade and just now starting 10th grade over the summer I’ve had a discussion with my girlfriend over weed during this I was very heated and I was angry because I didn’t want her to do it but then she came along saying that I can’t get everything I want in life and that I’ll have to accept that’s shes doing it. So later that night I accept that I couldn’t change the fact that she was gonna do it but deeper inside me I was hearing a voice to change what I said and to tell her no but that didn’t happen. Fast forward a month before school starts we’re out at the beach and I just ask her if she’s smoked weed again she was hesitant to respond but I persisted her with the question which she then said yes. I was completely baffled and sad or this but I couldn’t let out my feelings because friends were with us too. I was a boy growing up that all drugs are bad and should never be used and I still go through with that. Whenever I get the idea of doing so my mind and heart jsut completely wild and I can’t do anything for a minute. So then I told her that I didn’t want her to smoke it again and this time she said okay and to trust her this time that she wasn’t gonna do it. I trust her but from time to time I get the idea of her doing it again and I start to panic and then today I saw she wanted to get edibles which leads to me writing this at this time. I don’t know what to do I’ve brought up weed like 3-4 times and I feel like she’s getting annoyed of it. When I said I didn’t want her to use weed I didn’t just mean by smoking it I meant completely getting rid of it but I don’t think she got that. I need help on her to understand that so please someone help me out.
One of my girlfriend’s friend smokes it occasionally. I was going to a soccer game the day that the friend was gonna go smoke it, and my girl promised me she wouldn’t do it. I go to the soccer game and after she calls me, and tells me that she smoked it. My dad is addicted to it, it ruined my mom’s life, and my step dad sells it. With the bad mentality I had of this drug, I bursted into tears once I found out my girl smoked it. Once the bus came back to the school, i ran up to her and just broke down. I felt so weak and heart broken. She felt really bad about hurting me like that, especially since we both promised not to smoke it the day before. I kept crying myself to sleep, contemplating suicide, and just losing my drive to keep living. I soon started to get a little bit better, but a month later she smoked it with her sister on memorial day. When she told me, I felt the same pain and broke down. I got mad and extremely depressed. She vowed to never do it again but at this point my trust for her, regarding weed, just has been lost. I started to forget about it but when summer began, my friend showed me a video of her smoking it the first time. I’ve never seen it so once I did, all the pain came back but extremely worse. I couldn’t stop crying for days, and I contemplated suicide more than i have ever in my life. I didn’t wanna talk to her about it, bc she feels bad and hates herself bc of how much pain this situation has brought me. I was gonna hang myself with a belt at home a couple days after seeing that video, but I decided to call the suicide hotline. I changed up some words so the police wouldn’t be called, and they sorta helped me out. I was feeling a bit better and I tried telling my closest friends how I was feeling. Soon, the school year starts and my girl found out how I was feeling about her smoking it behind my back those two times. She got mad at me and just wanted me to leave it in the past and forget about it. I’m trying to forget about it, but little things throughout the day remind me of it frequently. Since this hurt me extremely bad, I remember the slightest detail from both times she smoked it. From the class she had the first time she smoked it, to what beach she was at with her sister the second time she smoked it. I’ve been trying really hard, and looking for God for guidance but nothing is helping. I know I need help before I end up hurting myself, but I’m afraid to talk to an adult about my situation. My girlfriend doesn’t want me speaking about the situation to anyone, not even her. I asked if I can tell her about my feelings so I can get closer to forgetting about it, but she said she didn’t want that. It’s been about 6 months since the 1st time she smoked it, but the image of her doing it is engraved into my mind. Idk what to do before I end up hurting myself. I want to live but this has been driving me crazy, especially since she wants me to keep everyone bottled up. I almost ended up smoking it bc I thought that would help me feel better, but I chose not to bc I don’t want it to make me feel worse. Sometimes I ask myself of she even cares for me bc she chose to go behind my back and hurt me like that. Not once but twice. I blame myself for it bc I went to a soccer game rather than being there for her. Ik I need help, but idk what will work. I feel your pain.
Hi everybody my name is clare i live in the uk its 1.05am and I’m currently sat in my bed unable to sleep.
I have been with my patner for a very long time we are both 26 and have 4 children over the last year weed has been a major issue my patner quit for a good while but then he made new friends and started again we don’t live together due to me not being able to accept him doing it i can’t understand why he thinks it’s so important or why he can’t go without it. It’s driving me to breaking point i love him with all i have I’m always here when he needs somebody but i find it hard to enjoy any family time as he will sit and say he needs to go for one. I don’t like being around him when he is high he has no issues he sees it as the norm but i see it differently.
Why do you need to get high to feel happy?
Why isn’t our family able to make you feel so good?
I don’t understand at all try to speak about it but it just ends in an argument saying i can’t accept him as he is but this isn’t what he was like when we met in high school i want a better path for us especially our children.
I suppose I’m just asking for some guidance anything i feel so lonley
Thank you
i’m here because my girlfriend has started smoking. this is only the second time, but i’m terrified.
i’m scared of her getting addicted. i’m terrified. and i don’t know what to do.
because she lives in a pretty strict household- and she feels so limited. it’s really bad. so i don’t want to be the one to restrict her even more.
we’ve discussed it and we’ve “agreed to disagree”- but it still scares the life out of me. i just want her to be okay. that is all i want.
i want her to be healthy and happy.
i don’t know how to cope with this.
I am in the same situation as some of these comments. i just finished reading basically every comment and i figured i could share my story. i fell in love with one of my closest friends in high school and middle school during senior year. we have the greatest connection, every time i’m with him it’s a blast. we’ve been together a year and a half and every time he touches me i still feel that spark. i love him with my entire body and he loves me the same. he’s been here for so much including surgery and my panic attacks. our downfall is that he is someone who’s had been smoking weed for almost all of high school, i knew this in the beginning. i made it clear before the relationship started before we were anywhere serious, just talking, that drugs in my relationship is not something i’m uncomfortable with. he lied to me and told me he stopped smoking a couple months ago (he was smoking up until the day before we started dating), i had no reason to not believe him so i did. i was overjoyed. we started the relationship and everything was great. about a couple months in, he started getting rides to school from his friends, his pot friends. this made me extremely uncomfortable and sometimes he would come to school reeked in weed smell. it was so clear that he smoked with them cause he would just look high but he lied to me consistently. i asked to drug test him and better yet it can back positive, he confessed that he “accidentally” ate a weed cookie. i chose to forgive him this time because it was our first hiccup. so he was clean for a few months, but over summer i found out when told me he was going for s run he was actually smoking with his best friend. big fight broke out we were on the verge of breaking up but i realized i wasn’t ready to give up so i gave it another shot. we were great for a while, then i had to leave for college. this put a big strain on our relationship, and i could tell the stress of us being apart was pushing him to smoke. we fought a lot while i was gone and the one day he decided to smoke and told me. the way he told was like an ambush, so i ended the relationship. like later that day he started begging, he realized his mistake he was so sorry he was begging me to come back. i got very wasted that night and had a huge panic attack, then when i went to his house to talk i had another. our situation brought me so much panic i couldn’t handle it but him as a person was someone i love so much and love to be around. the person he is around me it’s not a person i imagine to me doing drugs. a month later we got back together to try again. it was tough for a while, but we finally got to a good place. he was clean for months (there was a hiccup where he lied to me about driving home a coworker girl who i have a bad history with). summer came and i was about to go through surgery, a surgery that would make dependent for at least 3 months, i fought him a lot before the surgery out of fear. it was fine in the beginning, now i found out a week ago he lied to me yet again about smoking and i ended the relationship, except not really. my parents work and i can’t drive with this surgery so i depend on him to take where i need to go, so with this i fall in love with him over and over again. i know i can’t be with him because reading this all made it clear even if i were to make a compromise for like smoking twice a month it would spiral out of control and his addiction would grow (he knows he has an addiction he can’t officially quit). his family hates his smoking and they’ve made that clear, but the only one who was really able to help him stop is me. his family was so grateful for that. i showed him that there’s no future with drugs, they make you lazy and hard to have a bright future as i plan to. my father is a doctor so i grew up completely anti drugs with high ambitions. i can’t live in a home with smoke or drugs. it clear he loves me so much and i really can’t let him go, i keep letting myself get closer to him even broken up. what do i do?
These stories have really helped me to feel like I’m not alone on this issue.
To start, my boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year. He started smoking right before we started dating. We had been friends for over a year before we started dating and I was so happy when he asked me out. Fast forward a year and hes just now admitting after numerous arguements that he does infact have an addiction. When he first started smoking it was just every now and then with friends. Fast forward a month and he was smoking up to five times a week. I quickly became very uncomfortable knowing half the time we talked over the phone he was high. I put my foot down and told him he had to cut down and he agreed. A few months later I moved to a new city and we were now long distance. Behind my back he began smoking every day, I didn’t learn about this until months later. Eventually he goes back down to a few times a week, which I thought he was doing the entire time. However while in this new city my anxiety got really bad and because of past problems I’ve had with substance use I expressed to him that his weed use was exacerbating my anxiety. He said that if I wanted him to stop he would so I asked him to. A month later I come he for holiday and while with a group of friends he steps out to light one up, I was sick to my stomach. He asked me first in front of everyone if I was okay with this, not wanting to make a scene I said okay. The next day he knows I’m upset so we have a talk. He explains that not long after I asked him to quit he started smoking again and he felt so horrible about it that he couldn’t tell me and instead let me figure it out on my own. At this point we had been together for 6 months so I forgave him and we moved on with the agreement that he would tell me when he does it and cut back to 3 times a week, I was hesitant to let him do it that often but I just wanted things to work. Back in the city about 3 months later my anxiety started acting up again and again he offered to quit to help lessen that, so he did. Then I find out months later that he never quit and basically just said that to make me feel better. Yet again I found out, he didn’t tell me. Now in the present he’s lied to me about smoking around 7 times and I don’t know what to do. I love him more than anything in the world but I feel like at some point I have to put my foot down and get the respect I deserve. hes trying to quit now but over the course of a “month” long break has only managed 12 days without doing it. Plus he’s supposed to be going to visit a cousin soon who I know does all kinds of drugs and I’m not very excited for what that will entail. I don’t want to break up with him but because of his addiction his sex drive is non-existent, his memory sucks, and he’s tired all the time. He has on multiple occasions slept through or completely forgotten about dates not to mention he’ll forget we have plans and instead go smoke with friends which makes me feel like he chooses the bud over me. To make things fair I’ve tried it a few time with him but don’t care for it and feel it could really mess with my substance abuse problems. What bothers me most if I’ve never just outright asked him to quit, he’s always offered first, so I feel like any promise he makes to me has no substance. I feel like my patience and trust are at an all time low with him.
My boyfriend and I have been together 9 months and have been discussing moving in together. He recently dropped the bomb that he would like to start smoking weed if it becomes legalized in our state. I don’t drink or do drugs because I also have an issue with the escapist mentality.
He drinks socially (maybe 1 or 2 nights a month) and has expressed to me that he doesn’t really enjoy it. He’s very easily influenced by his friends and I’m afraid he’s only going to smoke weed because he’s been feeling left out lately. He’s claiming it would be an occasional thing that he would do for fun but has also stated that he thinks it will help with his depression.
I told him it would bother me a lot if he did it but I would be ok if it wasn’t around me; I don’t want to see him when he’s high, I don’t want to smell it on him, and I don’t want it smoked at our place of residence if we did decide to live together. He basically told me that my opinion is stupid and he won’t not do it around me just because I feel that way. (Also, if this is supposed to be an “occasional” thing, I don’t understand why it would be that difficult to keep it away from me.)
It’s nice to know I’m not the only person in this situation. Every time I ask someone for advice about it, they tell me I’m overreacting and “it’s just weed.” I know my boyfriend’s personality and can see him easily becoming addicted or reliant on it. He won’t listen to any of the negative side effects and is only focusing on the few studies that are saying it’s harmless.
I’m very stubborn when it comes to my beliefs and won’t be able to compromise any more on this. If it was up to me, he wouldn’t be allowed to smoke at all. I believe he’s better than drugs and should find more productive ways to deal with his problems. But he won’t agree to keeping me away from it and it’s breaking my heart.
I understand how everyone feels, my fiancé smokes weed everyday about 5 times a day and I can put up with it to an extent but we just came on vacation to visit his family and he’s been smoking it every 30 min to an hour because he’s on vacation Iv hardly been able to see him, he tells me to just get over it and if I can’t he doesn’t want to deal with my complaining and wants me to stay with my mom for a week he doesn’t understand how it makes me feel Iv tried it a few times when I didn’t want to and it did nothing for me, he’s always outside smoking with someone or going to someone’s house to smoke it and sometimes I feel completely abandononed and that he doesn’t want to spend time with me anymore I love him with all my heart but it’s not fair that I have to agree with it or he doesn’t want me around other then that he’s an amazing guy I just wish he didn’t smoke at all it’s causing fighting and hurting our relationship and I don’t know what to do because I don’t think he’s ever going to quit or even just slow it down, I tell him I will try to get over it but it’s really hard to do that, he says if I smoked it he wouldn’t need to smoke with anyone else just me but I don’t know what to believe I have nothing against weed I just don’t think smoking is the good way to do it
It feels good that I am not alone with this issue. I met my boyfriend in college 9 months ago. It was love at first sight. I used weed every once in a while at parties, but ended up stopping because I had a HUGE panic attack after using it.
My boyfriend, however, is from a state where weed is legalized and it is normal for him. He can’t hang out with his best friend without smoking. His mom does it too. It makes me feel alone on the issue because his whole family approves of it, and I don’t.
I was totally ok with it at the beginning of our relationship because he didn’t use that much around me, and I thought he only did it at parties.
However, about 2 months into our relationship he started staying with me at my apartment. I would come home from a long night of work and my apartment would smell like weed. It would make me SO upset. He was doing it every night to “help him sleep” even though it made me uncomfortable and I felt like I couldn’t have a conversation with him because he was stoned at night. I didn’t like it but I didn’t want to be controlling.
Now, we are both home for the summer and it is clear he is using regularly. He came to visit me after a month of being away and I found out he had brought his little pen with weed in it. It makes me sad that he feels like he has to use it around me even though I don’t do it, nor like being around it. I understand using weed recreationally or every now and then, but every night is excessive.
Every stoner’s argument is that “it’s not addictive”, but in reality, anything that changes your mood is addictive. I feel really torn because I don’t want to be controlling but I just don’t want to be around it anymore. I put up with it so much when he lived with me that I’m now frustrated and don’t want to take it anymore. I put my foot down and said no weed around me and he was ok with it at first, until night came and he wanted a hit. It makes me so sad because he does it so much and I feel like he loves it more than he loves me.
We have already made long term plans and our relationship is serious. But I can’t keep fighting the same fight over and over again.
I’m posting on here because, this thread is really helping me to know I’m not alone.
I met my boyfriend about a year ago, I had just come out of a terrible break up where I was emotionally and physically cheated on. It was THE WORST. He was there for me so much and I knew he was an addict to all drugs.
We realised we wanted to be a couple but he had an issue with my profession (sex industry) and I had an issue with his drug addictions. It makes me servearly uncomfortable and my cousin dies from a drug overdose not long ago.
I laid out ground rules from the beginning I can’t and won’t be around drugs.
And he quit ( as far as I know ) he didn’t see his druggie friends and stopped everything.
I was super proud of him!
We still has issues around my job but we were working through that.
Recently however I went to stay at my friends, we had left on sad terms and were contemplating braking up and he bought weed, and smoked it in the house. The next day I tried to face time him. But he wouldn’t answer for some lame reason like he just didn’t want to. Turns out he was baked.
I found that out 4 days after being home at a dinner out. He said, “I was going to tell you when you told me you were proud of me for not doing weed’ because then he wouldn’t be able to lie to my face about it. – lovely I know.
Despite this flaw in his judgement, It was his first slip up after going cold turkey and as much as it hurt, what hurt more was the deceit. He tells me that he doesn’t want to do it again, he is good now. This drives me crazy, because the main reason I wanted him to stop, was for himself. He was very depressed and using it as an escape. Drugs make me uncomfortable but I’m not above getting high on the very rare occasion. I just don’t approve of the escapism. I believe to be a better person, you should be able to control your own emotions and be creative and open with nature in other ways. Get lost in your self not drugs. He said I showed him he didn’t need to be dependant on it, and he feels he isn’t addicted.
I disagree based on the fact that he has once again done it behind my back. Because he wanted to ‘taste’ he friends batch.
He went to see this druggie friend he hasn’t seen for a while because of trying to quit.
There he ended up asking to try this spliff and he finished it off. Now, before this happened, I was in a terrible anxious state of mind that he would again lie to me and brake a promise. This house he is going to is filled with drugs. I ask him to do be a favour, don’t be took long or at least check in with me because I’m not feeling good.
First few hours I’m okay, then he says ‘ I’m not sure when I’ll be home, I’m sorry’ this threw me into a complete spiral and my mind starts galloping. Every hoof is a thud around my head telling me he did drugs.
I ask him to come home which takes him an hour to commit to because he is having fun, and he had a drink. When I find this out I tell him he is an idiot and should not drive.
I’m left feeling all alone and having an anxiety attack in the shower. He keeps telling me he will be home soon. But doesn’t come. I’ve rang him 6 times and he will not answer, his texts say ‘ I don’t want to answer , people are doing crack and I don’t want the jibberish down the phone’.
I’m thinking are you kidding me?! I need you. Step away for a minuet. This all gets very out of hand and I’m a complete mess.
We have just broken up today, as a result of the lies, drugs and just general lack of appreciation given towards my feelings.
Weed is a gateway drug. It’s super addictive because it changes your brain.
The other half of me says – you love him.
Hi,
My boyfriend of seven years is a weed smoker.
I knew he smokes since we met and at the time I had no problem with it. I’ve tried weed myself a few times, but never felt like it’s something I’d fancy doing often.
I became worried, when I realised that he smokes daily and is addicted to it. I’ve also got to spend some time with smokers he hung around, and it was clear to me that these are not the people I want to surround myself with.
We’ ve been going out for about few weeks and I told him that his habbit is something I’m not ok with. I asked him to be honest with me and if it’s something he cannot live with out, we have to go our separate ways. He tried to convince me that his smoking is not a problem, that he isn’t addicted so he can quit whenever he wants to and is willing to do that for me. I guess I was too young and naive, so I trusted him.
We moved in together pretty soon. I was working as a live-in nanny at the time and the family I worked for was moving to another country. I had to choose between going with them or moving to my boyfriend’s place.
Few weeks in he became frustraded and annoyed because he couldn’t smoke every evening after work as he was used to. We started fighting, I almost convinced myself of leaving, but apart his weed use, I really liked him and felt like I should not give up. We came to an agreement that he will be able to smoke once in a while, if he really feels like it. Unsurprisingly, he couldn’t keep his promise and whenever he bought some, he had to consume all of it and get some more. Once I had some errands to run in town, I came home to him being totally stoned. We would fight about it every time, but as my anger went down a little, he was able to convince me again that he realises there’s a problem and he now understands he has to quit completely.
And he did. For a few months.
We lived in a foreign country and after I quit my first job, I stuggled to find another. We’ve spent all my short savings and his salary wasn’t enough for us to live comfortably. After a few months I decided to go back home and study, as I left home just after graduating school and had no degree.
Unfortunately, he couldn’t go with me imediatelly, as he owed some money and had to give it back before leaving. As soon as I left, he started using again. Litteraly, he couldn’t even wait that day until I came home safely. On my way home there was a minor car accident, I tried calling him but he didn’t answer. He avoided answering my calls when he was stoned.
I was so uppset and almost lost hope in saving our relationship. But I loved him and it wasn’t easy to just give up on everything.
We spent half a year living separately. I was hoping that everything might change when he comes home. I believed that changing the environment will help him with his addiction, as everything and everyone toxic that surrounded him, will stay far away.
He managed to quit. Almost. He would still have a joint with a childhood friend whenever he visited hometown, but as it happened twice a year, I could tolerate that.
Yesterday, after five years, I found out that he’s using again. He leaves abroad for work and stays there for five weeks. Apparently, he managed to find a dealer or a fellow smoker and is smoking everynight after work, just as he used to.
I was so happy about our relationship and felt like after everything we’ve been through, we truly were soulmates. We agreed on most of the things in life, had the same views. We created major plans for our future and it all went to nothing in just one moment. I’m so dissapointed.
I feel so stupid for trusting him. I may not be in the worst situation as we aren’t married and have no kids. I could just leave. Needless to say, after committing seven years of my life to a relationship that I truly believed in, the decision is not easy.
Funny thing is this issue reared its ugly head because of a comment my bf made on a completely different topic. He expressed his unshakable view on a condition he has for dating women and I hypothetically asked him if he wouldn’t date me as well while knowing who I am and he says yes, he would not change his view and would break up with me. That really hurt me and as an example, I told him that I normally without never date a guy that smokes weed, ect, but because of how I feel about him, I made an exception. To that he said that he’s not twisting my arm. I’m close to tears as I’m typing this. It’s true that he hasn’t twisted my arm, but by the time he told me that he smokes pot I already liked him a lot.
I avoided this issue because I was afraid that we would not see each other if I did tell him how much I dislike that he smokes weed. Like other comments that I have read here, he says that it’s to relax him so he can go to sleep easier, but there are so many other options than smoking weed to accomplish that. I feel so hurt. I really like this man, but I feel like we are at an impasse. I don’t want to be with a man that smokes pot, but if he ever quits, I want it to be for him, not just because I want him to. We just started dating in February and he asked me to be his gf in March, so we are definitely a “new” couple. We have faced a couple other issues and talked it through and have continued to get to know each other.
My boyfriend is so sweet, funny, thoughtful and for the most part, he’s dependable. I have never been with a man that is as tender as he is. He also has this smile that can melt my heart in a second, but knowing that he has another side when he’s high- a side that I don’t know scares me. I feel like I can’t allow myself to fully trust him, because if there’s a side to him that I don’t know, then I don’t really know him. My dad was an alcoholic and I saw how exuberant and fun he could be, but I also know how violent, emotionally detached and unfaithful he was to my mother because of his addiction. I know the substance doesn’t “force” or “make” a person do anything, however it does weaken their self control and their thinking ability. It lowers their inhibitions and quiets that little voice in their head that would usually tell them that whatever they’re about to do is wrong. So I’m scared of what could possibly happen due to my boyfriend’s now legal drug use. I adore this person, and I’m afraid that his use of marijuana with turn him into a husk of the person that I have come to care about so much. This morning we are going to talk about it and I have a feeling that we will break up because of it.
On a side note, thank you for sharing your many experiences- it was painful reading them, because my heart goes out to you, but it was helpful to me as well.
Reading this is incredibly sad for me, so many young people just beginning to meet this beast of a problem. I have tried without success to get my partner to talk to young men about the devastating effects of smoking marijuana for a while but its a pride issue so he wont. We are in our early 50s and physically fit as are many of our friends who smoke. Its only the husbands, the wives all gave up when they had children. The thing we see is the women all have the same issue, once strong capable men now need to be babied and looked after, they cant take any stress at all, they have serious memory loss which means running businesses are not an option anymore and the worst of all impotence. This is difficult for the women because they need to constantly build up their men’s self-esteem whilst feeling unloved and undesirable themselves. We have only just started talking about it and found so many of us have this struggle. I wish my man would talk to his sons so they dont have to go through it but again the pride is more important than the love for his boys. Some of the women have not made love with their husbands since their 30s but stuck by them, I think this is very cruel to take such an important expression of love from a relationship and I think these men are very lucky to have these wonderful partners stick by them. I will stay with my partner because he has no family other than his sons and they are too young to deal with such responsibility. So my advice is to the young women, if you dont want a partner who requires you to be the sole breadwinner in your 50s and 60s, who no longer can make love even when he has the energy to, who cant be trusted to remember where he leaves his wallet, credit card (not that he remembers the pin) or can work out a quote for a job he has done a dozen times then leave. Its heartbreaking but you have to protect your future.
I am so relieved to know I am not alone. Let me start by saying I am a people pleaser, so it has been really difficult for me to follow what I want and not compromise. I have been in my relationship for 6 years now, 1year living together. I don’t have anything against weed and honestly in some cases even promote it, but like everyone else is saying, it is not ok to abuse it. My partner does it more than 7 times a day, even when at work. I am ready to start a familiy and I don’t want this for my future. I am not saying it’s bad, just that our vision of the future does not allign. It’s breaking my heart but I already had the conversation and I am leaving home this Friday, wish me luck! I am going to pursue what I always wanted and if it’s not this, then I’ll go find it. I’ve only lived one third of my life, not planning to live the rest like this. There are plenty of fish out there you just have to believe in yourself, be strong and go get it. No relationship will be perfect but trust me, you don’t want to deal with addiction.
I am on the same page. I have been reading these thread for nights now. Just is my biggest fear with cannabis/marijuana being legal every where. I’m scared of my relationship to fall apart because of this. I am trying to come up with questions and concerns to take to my boy friend to talk about. He has not been using for like 5 months now, as far as I know. How possible it is for him to go back to it especially that it will be legalized soon. I am beyond terrified. We don’t live together currently, but I am thinking of setting limits like I don’t want him to go see me or be around me if he is under influence if he decided to use again. But I am imagining not seeing him a lot and it breaks my heart. Adevices or suggestions anyone?
Hi Aurora, i read like my own thoughts here.. Oh I have very very similar thing. But in worse scenario- my boyfriend is everyday smoker. I try even think that it is better then antidepressants, but… I feel about weed anyway the same like You. We live together and we want family and kids, but.. I don´t know how long i can take it.. and will i… And it is not future what i want for our kids.
Our relationship is very fresh- we know each other almost a year and live together now about 4 months.
I am from north Europe and i have zero tolerance about drugs and weed of cource too so it was really challenging to me to try have some tolerance.
I do not know what i am waiting about.. That my tolerance will be better? That he really stop smoking like he promised? It is true or not? How long i must wait? How long is ok? So many questions and feeling so lonely in this thing. No my relatives no my friend will ever understand my position. He is very good hearted guy but.. It is so hard to see him high every evening.. like it is some stranger beside me.
So i try a little bit more. I am not letting go so easily but in the same time i am 36 already.. So very soon i must decide something.
Thank You all for sheering your stories.. I see that i am not only one with this problem and i still didn´t find any positively ended story… But maybe they are not sheering.
I have the exact same issues, so thank you for sharing.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half now, and have dealt with my intense discomfort over his smoking. It started half a year in, because up until that point he had hid from me. But spending time with his family, it became apparent that he and his family and friends all partake, so that left me as the outlier as someone who is uncomfortable with it (perhaps because of my upbringing, and because I don’t understand how inhaling smoke and drugs of any kind can be healthy or recreational). Since then, it’s introduced tension into our relationship. It’s tough because if I’d known early on it might’ve been easy to say goodbye, but since time had passed and we’d spent a lot of time together, we fell for each other, and that attachment makes things harder to say goodbye when I normally would have.
He’s expressed the same sentiments: that I’m close-minded and controlling for not liking it, that it doesn’t change him as a person, and understandably that my aversion to it is uncomfortable for him (just as his use is uncomfortable for me) since for him it’s just ordinary life and how his friends and family spend time together. It’s rough for me too, because this also means I haven’t formed a strong bond with his family or friends because we don’t have this habit in common. To add even more onto it, we live in a small college town where consequently pot has a big presence, so most people do partake.
I just feel kind of alien. In many ways he’s the person of my dreams, and we do love and care about each other, but I too have the same concerns about moving in together and marriage. I would prefer a pot-free life and a partner who shares that viewpoint. For months we’ve grappled with our togetherness, and I want to be accepting and for everything to be okay. I wish I didn’t care. But the discomfort is ingrained somehow. It’s hard knowing you have a connection with someone, but also a disconnect. I’m not ready to say goodbye yet. It’s scary, even while hitting the reset button on my life could be good. But I thank you for sharing your story and making people like me, who are part of a similar situation, feel a bit less alone.
Amazing story. I can relate.
My best advice I can give you based on this story.
Do not compromise. Dump him. Move on with life. Find a boyfriend who has same values as you.
Do not compromise! This is a deal breaker.
It will never work out and it will only get worse.
He is choosing weed over you. You are the most important. Not to him than to yourself.
Choose you.
Love and light
Jean
Reading Ariels post and the comments of others whose partner takes marijuana on a regular basis has made me think about my situation.
When we first started dating I never would have guessed he smoked “MJ” until he told me. He was healthy, active, played Rugby and had a job. He still has the sweetest personality ever.. very kind most of the time and respectful.
When we first dated he stopped for couple of months. Than he told me. At first i didnt care. My viewpoint was your body, your money and of course if it makes you happy.
Than i fell pregnant, asked him to stop. He didnt. Through out my pregnancy.. for 6 months he didnt have a job. When i wasnt feeling sick i went to work. Whatever money i made.. paid the bills and this was and still is the problem.. he asks me for money to buy MJ.
Now fast forwarding.. our son is 6 months old.. he still has no job. I work.. i am grateful for him looking after our son during the day when im at work. (Baby starts daycare on monday) But the thing that gets me is.. he smokes almost everyday and everynight and im the one paying for it. I find it really hard to reject him when it comes to money. But i give him money it sickens me. That could be used for something else or save for something more important than weed. Only him will benefit by feeling high not me. I do not take marijuana. I get nothing out of it but a zombie.
I have tried saying no at times when he asks for money.. but he just gets really angry at every little thing and at everyone and am afraid that it will lead to abuse in the future. I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. We both come from single parent families.. And we promised we wouldnt do that to our son. I still dont want too.. but i don’t know what to do. PLEASE HELP.
Gabriel Evans, Ariel, and all the people who are trying to compromise, turn the other check, or just ignore the the abuse… don’t waste your time or your life. They are just fooling themselves about using. I welcome any rebuttal….
I have read all of the comments you had to offer looking for some glimmer of hope, but it’s all the same. People using pot , alcohol, or both to escape reality ( in the users words “relax” or bring to light some kind of epiphany, insight, or intelligence.) That’s all a bunch of crap. I used alcohol when I was younger…but I have grown up and have taken responsibility in life. I have lost a husband of 18 years to alcohol and after that a boyfriend of 20 years to pot an alcohol. I tried all the things in these comments.These users are just fooling themselves. I just hope their the non-users don’t waste their lives too long like I did. It’s just all a bunch of lies and crap. I welcome conversation on this subject. Thank you
My boyfriend tried it for the first time a year ago. SInce that time it has become a daily thing. I choose not to smoke. WE live together and although I do not like it, I have come to the conclusion that he will continue to do so, SO I asked that he not smoke in the home, go somewhere else. This has driven him INSANE! I have explained that I do not want to force my views on him, but he should not be forcing his beliefs/habits on me. He fails to see my side. He does not want to compromise, and I do not want it in my home, nor do I like watching someone sitting stoned on the couch every single day. This was my house, before he moved in. I have asked him to leave, since I own the house and have nowhere else to go, he can go to his parents.
It’s weird, but he feels as if smoking in my home is hos right! that it is his right to force myself and my children to live with it. I realize that this is unhealthy and actually unworkable to be with someone who forces me to live with drugs. He wont leave and when I suggest it now he postures towards me as if I will be physically struck. I know people say marijuana is non addictive and “mellows” people out, but honestly he isnt even close to the person he once was.
I am so lost.
Those of you that say the smoker cut down or go outside are lucky. Most think you should have no problem with it indoors as how have done it whole life. Legal here but often is 30 degrees outside. Told can live without it or would try to not smoke around me, but reality is cannot live without it and in his and roomies house ‘They smoke weed’. So I guess after a 3yr relationship need to realize what really can deal with or want in the future. Aside from the weed smoke I do not see him wanting to live in a place of our own ever, or there for that matter although will deny this, but for now not best idea. If had a good ventilation system or stepped outside see no problem with it and maybe you non users could be lucky to get a compromise on that with your loved ones and be happy with it! Most of the issues we all are having besides choking ourselves with bad allergies may have to do with issues have with the partner outside the weed, which we probably would not deal with if not a smoker possibly? It is a crutch or blanket to the eyes for both sides in a lot of these situations I’m starting to think. He/she probably would compromise if cared enough about the person to. Think if you would want to continue with same relationship if acted the same without the weed, my advise that should also take.
Consider those stoned people you don’t feel comfortable around are close important friends, while stoned, to your boyfriend. Moving into a serious relationship and positioning yourself between him and those he is close with isn’t exactly a recipe for success. Keep in mind he may become resentful of this, but even if he doesn’t his friends and brothers certainly will.
It sounds like you have a deeply entrenched world view on pot and so does he. Unfortunately the two aren’t compatible.
You are right to feel you should be comfortable in your home and raise children in an environment you feel is both comfortable and safe.
Likewise your boyfriend is right to feel he should be able to casually entertain his family and friends in his own home.
I frankly don’t see a way forward, but this is why you talk through these issues so you don’t get married and end up hating each other. Best of luck.
You said it yourself, OP: a person deserves to be comfortable in their own home, and you were making your BF very uncomfortable about his future home with you. Probably a good thing this relationship ended: he was likely far more stressed about sharing a home with YOU, than you ever were about sharing a home with HIM. Did you ever think about how uncomfortable you made HIM?
It is so relieving to read through these comments. No one quite understands my situation or the hurt that it causes me, so coming across this discussion has really helped me. I have not been able to put my thoughts and feelings into words, but when I read these comments I know exactly what each of you are going through.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and just recently he smoked with a few friends and loved it. Now we are in this constant debate on whether it is or isn’t okay for him to continue. We both try to understand each other’s views but neither of us are budging on our position. He told me that despite my opinion, he is going to continue. This is a growing problem because we are planning on moving in with each other within the next year and a half. I am trying to find a compromise that I am truly okay with, but in all honesty I think smoking is disgusting and it saddens me to think of him doing it. I feel like I shouldn’t put him in a predicament of “me or the weed?” but at the same time, I don’t think that should even be a question. I have so many thoughts, I just don’t know what to do. I love him so dearly but this is not how I imagine my future.
I am in a similar situation. I grew up around drugs and am totally against it. I met my partner 4 years and I found out that he smoked marijuana he soon stopped as I told him that I don’t like it. So he stopped for 4 years but recently he has beginning to Santo do it again and he is. I am so upset and don’t know what to do, we have a baby as well. He does it as it makes him happy. Arnt we enough? He says that he can do what he wants and I can’t stop him. Please help
I knew my girlfriend used to smoke pot at a young age. When I moved in with her, she totally quit. I’m positive on that. That was 8 years ago. She had a totally crazy fight with her older sister today… I walked by her purse hanging on the chair… And I smelled a skunk….I opened up her pocket, and there was a huge bag of weed and a bowl in there. She gets mad at me for drinking, legal, beer. But she’s been driving around high every morning. How am I going to deal with this? If never smoked weed. I have always been an athlete…. And conservative… And totally against pot. What the heck am I going to do? I flushed all of it and also broke her bowl. I had a feeling she was doing it for quite some time. Now I know why she always took her purse into the bedroom and hid it. Weird I thought. I always asked her about it. Totally lied to me. A lie means there is more she is lying about.
Bawling reading this. It is my story. Except, I’m married and I don’t believe in just walking away. I am trying to navigate this with no compromise from him and it’s breaking my heart.
Dear Ariel, I’m in a similar situation as yours.
I’m pretty confussed because I dont know what to do. My boyfriend was clean for a while when we started (we have been together for maybe a year and a half) but began to do it again a couple times behind my back, mainly because he was afraid of my reaction. He always tells me he does it mostly because music sounds better that way and whenever he’s happy it makes him feel even better (he deals with depression).
Recently he told me about it and discussed the possibility of him doing it again (not on a daily basis he says, but you know, Im afraid one thing leads to another and he was certainly a user before)- I have told him multiple times that I dont prohibit weed usage on him (i’m not his mom or anything), but I’m not a fan of it for sure.
He thinks im close minded and he thinks beer is ‘way worse’, and the few times I have gotten drunk he uses that argument against me, even if he gets drunk more often. I think any substance you become needy of and reclutant to let go off its awful. Now he tells me everytime he’s about to do it, and I try to be calm about it, (he’s trying to tell the truth and change his ways, being sincere even on small things on the relationship, because he likes to decor the truth) but its certainly unconfortable for me.
I even tried it once without him in order to see what all the fuss was about (didn’t liked it) and I still couldnt see the big deal about it. I am ashamed to say that I start to feel less attracted to him when I picture him high. I know he’s just a human, but everytime I picture him smoking it breaks my heart and makes the image I had once before of him, become “stained”.
Just like you, pot is not something I visualize in my future, or something I would be glad to have in my household, so the thought of marrying him with those habits, kind of discourages me. We have talked multiple times about marriage and we both love each other madly, we are certain about the life we want to build together, but I just don’t see myself in a future with a marijuana smoker. Any drugs user.
I know you can’t expect a partner to be your definition of perfect, but this is seriously a deal breaker for me. I don’t want to change him, but I seriously would ratter not marrying or building a future with that side of him. Just like you, I dont want my kids to be in that kind of environment, I dont want them to have a father that has the need to do that behind their backs or even on their faces.
He also tells me im filled with the anti-drug propaganda, but its not as if I avoid such people in my life. My ex-best friend was a drug user (he’s actually one of the main reasons I dont do drugs and kind of refrain from them) and most of the people in my environment (and his) are drug users and we still are friends. Its just that the thought of him high saddens me deeply. I’m not sure why.
I have heard from his own mouth that he dislikes the persona he is while high, and by the description, its not someone I would love. I know its still ‘him’ but it confusses me so much. I feel tangled in here.
I love him to pieces, I just would rather, if given the choice, that the piece of him that does marihuana and its ok with doing acids wouldnt exist. I also feel afraid of telling him this, because I feel like he would once again hide this from me, scared of my reaction.
Ariel, thank you so much for sharing your story. My situation is IDENTICAL and I have struggled greatly, beating myself up for not being ‘accepting enough’ or ‘close minded’. It took me a long time to realize that whatever the basis for your feelings of simply just not feeling ok with it, how your feel is completely ok. Some people don’t want to be around it – the smokers who say it affects nothing, are not being honest with themselves. They do it precisely because it DOES affect them.
People have different visions and dreams. The future you see for yourself doesn’t have to include pot. When you find someone who’s vision aligns with yours, you’ll wonder why you ever spent so much time trying to compromise yourself, to make your smoking partner feel happy and better. Don’t compromise you – you’re one of a kind 🙂
Your instincts are right so don’t ignore them.
I just broke up with my boyfriend because I felt that he had become apathetic, unmotivated, never realizing any of his professed ambitions and leaving all the responsibilities to me. I was frustrated and weary of his parasitic behaviour and felt more like a mother than a girlfriend.
He had quit smoking weed (of which he said he was addicted) because he said it was ruining his life – previously, he had taken countless days off of work and just stayed home in a pot haze, and spent all his money he didn’t have on weed and borrowed thousands of dollars (from me purportedly to pay rent) to pay for it not giving a crap about the people he was lying to because weed was the most important thing to him.
When he finally quit, his whole personality changed and he was full of life and energy and his eyes sparkled.
I am open-minded and have no problem with occasional use – I smoked some with my boyfriend to try it but could take it or leave it.
On the other hand, since it isn’t legal yet, there is always a risk associated with that.
After a weed-free year, my boyfriend’s personality turned strangely morose and he was, basically, a drag – no energy, no ambition, no money, just an urgency to get back to his house at the end of a night….turns out, he confessed, he was back on pot again and was smoking it frequently daily. He hated himself for it which added to his morose feelings.
I have done everything I can to be supportive to him and to encourage him to get his act together but his addiction is stubborn and it is more important to him than me obviously – he has worn me out from trying to accommodate him and I want a better life either as a single woman, or with a partner who is interested in participating in life instead of running from it. He also smokes a pack of cigarettes a day and when he drinks, it is a heavy consumption – all part of his addictive personality. He doesn’t seek help for his addictions. That is only a small part of the story.
I love him because he is sweet and loving and funny and very charming.
It hurt me a lot to break up with him but you can see there was no future for us. He is always broke and borrowing from everybody because he can’t afford his habit and this leads to lies and deceptions and it goes on and on. I pay for anytime we go out, meals, anything. He feels no sense of responsibility. Even the breakup – instead of trying to change he just hated himself more and got stoned.
As I said, follow your instincts and quit while you’re ahead or there could be lots of “fun times” ahead.
Unfortunately you cant change a person. You can set boundaries; what you are or are not willing to be around- but you cant change him. Boundaries are ultimately for our own well being, and have nothing to do with the other person. You said you didnt like hanging out with drunks or potheads, but you are already sacrificing that part of yourself to appease him when hes out and about. (Honestly if you dont like being around pot smoke, dont do it just to make others comfortable). If he already said pot will ALWAYS be around, and youve already highlighted what you see as a healthy home environment for yourself, then do not move forward.. you arent setting up a marriage with “conditions”. You are expressing your boundaries. Which you are already sacrificing for his comfort.. dont do this to yourself..
id honestly have a sit down and just say: Look, i love you alot however i am not a pot smoker, and I want to live in a home that is pot free.. especially if we plan on having children. If this isnt something that you want, then i wont be able to move forward with marriage because i need to be with someone who can respect that..” Saying it like that is just telling him what you want but still gives him the ability to choose. You are just telling him where you draw the line. Honestly picture yourself in years from now and ask yourself if youd be happy in this same situation? I mean the other option is to submit and let him do what he wants and be fine with that, but in doing that you wont be happy.. be strong, and realize you dont have to give up your values for anyone. There are plenty of men out there that dont smoke weed, and would love a “good girl”. 🙂
If I could write this exactly the same but replace the only recreational use with a heavier emphasis on medicinal use for anxiety. I struggle with how much I dislike weed though I have no issues with it being legal medically or recreationally and am friends with many smokers and understand how much worse alcohol can be (he barely drinks) I just don’t want it in my relationship. I’ve tried to convince him to take edibles but I know deep down it just bothers me in all forms for no real reason, I’m looking for help in understanding why I feel that way though I understand the benefits. I feel incredibly selfish knowing it helps with occasional anxiety and just asked that he shares when he has or plans to smoke, he has told me absolutely not, that’s like telling someone when you “take your pills”. Any suggestions/help?
I am in a similar situation. My boyfriend of 3 years now smokes constantly. All day everyday. It had taken over his life. He doesn’t have a job.. his only hobby is sitting at home watching TV. As ironic as it may sound, his dream is to become a police officer.. but he won’t do it because he would have to stop smoking pot. He won’t stop smoking and he had no ambitions. I’m not okay with him smoking at, but I don’t have an opinion on it. I never have and I never will. I don’t think you should have to compromise on the situation. It seems to me that he isn’t willing to compromise. You shouldn’t have to suppress your feelings.. you won’t ever truly be happy if you can’t be open with him. You may have outgrown him.. but I might be deflecting my feeling onto your situation.
Honestly, you just answered all of your own questions while telling this long story.
“I, on the other hand, have a philosophical problem with drugs in general ”
(Sounds like you have the problem)
“It’s not fun to me.”
(Doesn’t have to be. He’s doing it for himself)
“but I could not be comfortable with it in my own home.”
(Why can’t you?)
“I feel like the one place a person deserves to be comfortable is in his own home”
(Yes, and because this is what he enjoys using, especially to relax. Im sure he feels the exact same way.)
“and I just don’t accept him for the person he is. According to his perspective, I’m just looking to change him.”
(EUREKA! Therein lies the problem. You don’t accept him, so obviously if you’re upset by him just being himself, you ARE looking to change him, starting with his behavior.)
“According to him I have no idea what I am talking about because I have never experienced it. And in a way, he’s right. I don’t have the same points of reference as he does”
(He is absolutely right. You have no personal experience with this substance outside of what you’ve observed based on his ‘outlandish’ (Lol) actions and how he’s spending his time. Your own subjective opinion has no basis for understanding, and I can absolutely guarantee that you haven’t done any research yourself on the subject, outside of what other ignorant people have shared with you.)
“There are other ways to live life and I am just too closed-minded to accept this.”
(Wow, where therein lies another one of your problems. You’re too close minded to Accept him and accept ‘this.’)
I feel like I have made steps to give him a compromise — he doesn’t have to give it up, but it just won’t be something that will be participated in at home. My boyfriend will not step any closer to my side, however. He says that pot WILL be around and he doesn’t want to have a marriage based on conditions.
(Sounds like you have a problem with a relatively benign substance that your boyfriend uses to relax and enjoy himself. I believe that your perception of this plant is heavily tainted with the negative opinions of the people you choose to listen to. The fact that you don’t want him to use this substance to enjoy himself, based on absolutely no real knowledge on the subject, and you refuse to see his side due to your biased programming is exactly WHY he won’t step to your “side.” It is ridiculous. This is no compromise.)
In my opinion, I would do some research, use your “Philosophies” to dive deeper into yourself and simply ask yourself:
“Why do I have such a problem with the substance, other than my social programming?”
“What don’t I really like about it?”
“Is it the smell?”
“Is it the way he acts?”
“Is it because we are distant now?”
“Why do I really feel it is innapropriate?”
And then you can begin to ask yourself if MAYBE just maybe, YOU might be the one with the problem, not him.
So to sum it up:
It’s not fun to you
You can’t be comfortable with it in your own home
You don’t accept him for who he is
You have no basis for an opinion on the subject because you quite literally, don’t know what you’re talking about
You even admitted that you’re too close minded to accept this. Lol.
Also, a marriage built on “conditions” implies that neither couple trusts the other enough to allow them to just be themselves to the fullest degree. Conditions might as well be called “Restrictions.” This is another arrow pointing towards the fact that you don’t accept him, nor do you trust him enough, by placing restrictions on his behavior in some kind of sacred vow.
Why are you even here?
If you want really get to the root of your problem, simply ask him:
Why do you smoke?
Can you explain to me what it does?
What are some things that you like about it?
What are the positive effects?
What are the negative effects?
Do you feel like you need it?
Does it change the way you think?
Do you feel happier when you’re high?
Do you feel sad when you’re not?
Why?
Do you think I am uneducated on this substance?
Would you mind educating me?
You can then gain a more broad understanding of his side, and learn something about yourself in the process.
That is a true compromise. At least attempting to understand his side of all of this.
At the end of it all, you can either:
-Accept him for who he is and what he enjoys doing
-Keep speaking up until he understands your side better and decides to allow your restrictions on him, or opens up to you so that you can have a better understanding of his habitual use.
-End the relationship. Obviously it’s not going to work out.
Oh my God I can SO relate to this right now I just want to cry. My spouse has always been a smoker and he lies about getting it, how he gets it and wastes money doing it when we can’t afford it. I have tried talking to him about it but he gets defensive. When he is stoned it is the biggest turn off. I do not do drugs due to my profession and I have two small children. I worry he could get caught with it and I could lose my kids. He has told me numerous times he was only going to do it once in awhile but he gets it every other day. He gets fronted, or his friends give him some for free or he flirts with his dealer. I just can’t handle this much longer. I am so unhappy
I am also in a very similar situation. I’ve been with my partner for nearly 2 and a half years and I’ve known of his cannabis use (he vapes it) from the outset, but I’ve also warned him from the outset that his use of it could potentially be a deal-breaker.
He managed to stop smoking for some time and then we broke up after a stressful time and an argument over his usage (he became a bit deceptive and covert about it) and when we got back together he admitted he had restated his usage several months before.
I have a ‘history’ with cannabis which involved a relationship with a user who was only pleasant when stoned but was an aggressive unpleasant person when straight.
I then smoked it for a while with my long term partner and became very depressed and paranoid.
I’ve worked with drug users and been around enough people who smoke cannabis to see the effects it can have psychologically and financially ( one ex-boyfriend used to claim he never had any money but could justify £30 on cannabis as a ‘treat
Because of this I have a strong dislike of the substance and little respect for users of it
I too am at the stage in my relationship where we are talking about living together and knowing that my bf had told my friend he has ‘no intention of quitting’ I am worried about our shared home, as I too do not want his ‘pot mates’ in my home smoking it (especially around my teenage son who is also against drugs)
I have contemplated letting him go as we are clearly morally different in our opinions about drugs, but I also love the man and would love a life with him, but I struggle to see how we can live together when for me, cannabis is a deal breaker.
The hardest part to swallow is finding out his supplier is a female friend of his who also happens to be the mother of one of my son’s pals. I now have told my son I don’t want him going to his house again, and my respect for her has dissipated too.
Makes for a conundrum and one I don’t have an answer for
It would be awful to be in a similar situation but also married with kids. Finding someone where there is mutual admiration and respect for each other is ideal. Leave now while you can before kids and find someone with shared values. Marriage is a lifelong journey.
Ariel,
Stanton’s answer was a non-answer – even though he hit the nail on the head, he didn’t drive it in. You’ve only had a couple of years with this guy and a man like this who wouldn’t “have marriage based on conditions,” is immature to the nth degree! Say good bye before things get worse and you have a child that ends up fatherless. This sounds harsh, but it’s better than waiting. He loves his weed and won’t ever, ever give it up – not for you, or anyone. You won’t be able to keep it out of your house, that’s impossible. There is a guy out there for you, he’s just not it. Good luck.
I read the first post and then I discovered all those comments. All of you are in my shoes as I” in yours.
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and he never kept from me the marijuana abuse/use.
He used to drink A LOT and after he left for a whole night lying , getting drunk , doing cocaine etc… he had stopped drinking since I left for a week.
I tought I could deal with the marijuana and I” still trying to convince myself that is a natural herb but I’m struggling .
Leave him? Deal with this ? Are there any good websites I can learn from ?
And about the POST…my story is identical .
My family has always smoked weed and it never effected me. I started smoking pot from MY OWN choice like every other teenager that doesn’t have the perfect home like all you whiny girls. Me and my fiance have known each other through middle school all the way to today. We had the same kind of life but we are individual. We both went through things that a child should never experience and the weed was the only thing that protected us and did no harm. In elementary a cop brought weed to the school to show us and we held it in our hand and got to smell it. But they wouldn’t bring any other drug. A cigarette has aged my grandparents and they lost years of their lives. My family has all kinds of cancer and my mother is too scared to see if she does have it. Weed treats cancer and it take her fear away. Me and my boyfriend smoke together and it actually helped us talk and even if we don’t smoke weed were still the same. We love each other. I wouldnt tell him to quit cigarettes in front of my kids, I wouldn’t tell him he can’t drink, I wouldn’t tell him he cant play violent games in front of them. Because every person is an individual even a child. Children know who’s a good person and who isn’t regardless if they see a beer in their hand. It’s how you treat people not just what you do. If he is willing to not smoke in your face and only do with friends and family then what is so wrong. Because he didn’t listen when you said no. That’s so stupid every woman and man has had one thing they won’t change about themselves for no one. Your family can over look the fact but they can comment all they want just like you. If every deserves to be comfortable in their home why can’t we.
I have been in a 9-year “relationship” with a weed smoker. It was about 6 months into the relationship that he disclosed this to me. I am a former police officer and was not brought up with drugs or alcohol. But he was never a “social” smoker, so I let him be. But he gets lazy ans forgetful when he smokes. he says he only takes a “hit” a few times a day, but I know where he stashed his weed and I can see the amount he goes through. So it is more than what he is indicating to me. He now sneaks out to buy his pot and tells me he is going elsewhere. I think the worst part is that he thinks I am so stupid.
We have all our financials integrated, house, boats, 2 cars, etc. I met him after coming off a divorce where the money and assets were mine previously, but I had to give up more than half of them to the previous freeloader. That also ruined my credit. So all the new assets that me and my “smoker” have now are in his name because I had no credit.
We had run into to financial difficulties where I was paying the bills out of the little social security I get to get by. He knew this, but he was spending money on his weed. I know he buys less than he says, too.
But the weed I feel has affected his memory. He says things to me that hurt me immensely, then he denies saying them, And this is within a minute or so after he says them. Then we get into an all out screaming fight. Then he says that I ‘twisted” what he said so I had an excuse to fight with him.
I never bring up the weed thing. So there are no fights about that, just fights that emulate from his actions of smoking the crap.
If I leave, he owns everything and I will be homeless with no money. At times I have been feeling suicidal because I am so trapped. I don’t know what to do….
This is EXACTLY what I am going through. I have been in a 3 1/2 year relationship with my boyfriend and his smoking controls my life. He smokes every day. I try to put limits on him and control him and it does not work. He will always choose the smoking over compromising. He doesn’t want to compromise and that freedom. I never had a problem with smoking until my relationship with him. It’s not a moral issue with me but I feel so uncomfortable with him and it. I especially get anxiety when he rolls. When we are in social gatherings, I’m not invited because of my anxiety. I feel left out of friendships and struggle with my anxiety towards his smoking every day and I don’t know what to do.
My friends’ boyfriends smoke as well and no one cares so I can’t confide in them because they don’t understand me.
When he comes home from work, I know he wants to smoke so I walk around the neighborhood, or take the longest showers ever.
We get into the WORST fights of yelling and talking down to each other. Some times I can’t control me anxiety about it and take it out on him and it’s horrible. I don’t know what to do
If anyone wants to talk about this, I would LOVE that
I don’t have a comment on people’s personal lives but from an addiction standpoint it is impossible to be physically addicted to marijuana. In a world that sells cigarettes and booze which are very bad for you on every street corner gas station and grocery store in America and we have legalized drug dealers we call doctors pushing antidepressants painkillers and all sorts of drugs on us marijuana seems to be a sane choice. Just one man’s voice. Total advocate also.
I am engaged and my fiancee smoke weed periodically. We have been apart for over 40 years and he still spoke periodically. Friends and some family will drop by periodically and spoke to. I have shared my concerns since t is not legal in our area. He smokes cigarettes too and I have shared concerns as well. I know I can’t change him. I am concerned with the affects on my life ( second hand smoke and charges if caught even if I don’t smoke). He is trying to stop smoking cigarettes and don’t smoke as much. I try to remove myself as much as possible from the second hand smoke. I am going to advise him he will need to use and keep his weed outside of our home until he
decides to quit or whatever. Is this a fair compromise?
Wow this hits close to home for me..me an my boyfriend been together a year. When we first got together I didn’t know he smoked. But later on into it found out he smoked when he was with his friends. I told him I didn’t like it an didn’t want someone that did it around my kids. It’s the way I was raised no drugs. So he done good stopped for a few months now I found out hes started again when he’s with his friends even though he knows I hate it and was disappointed in him. I don’t what to do I love him and talked about life together but I just dont know if I can deal with it.
hi my bf whom ive been with for 16months is addicted hes been smoking since he was 14yrs ol he is now 34, he gets moody an yells when he has no choof always argue evan giving him a beautiful baby boy wont change his mind to quitting can someone help i dont want to lose this relationship i love him and want to help him
I’m living the same thing Tawny I feel so controlling but we are from two different worlds. When I met him he would do it every night before bed and weekends twice a day. He told me originally it was once in a while we clearly had different definitions on once and a while. When we started getting serious I said that I couldn’t live with that. I had never done it, i was recently divorced with two kids and I got married young. I never lived my teens like the average I think. I’m a true good girl… i feel that I’m so judgemental it drives me crazy but I just don’t understand it. We agreed on twice a month and never with my kids!! My kids leave for their dads every weekend. He was respecting our agreement but everytime I felt angry inside I didn’t like seeing him stoned it turned me off! So I decided to try it to see if I understood better . I got sick .. I tried again and I felt ok. I didn’t love the feeling but more of the time I spent with him I felt less judgmental and less anal about how things are supposed to be . I was raised drugs alcohol bad and I still think that but I don’t know why?? What is the difference from cigarettes or drinking wine to relax. I’m still on the fence I’ve done it with him a few times after that. He’s told me than when we would have kids he would stop. I’m now 10 weeks pregnant i found out when I was 4 weeks pregnant and he has not smoked since. But I get anxious about it. I know if he wasn’t with me he would be doing it. When we go on his side family or friends there is some but he doesn’t but I feel horrible when he says no. I wonder if inside he resents me? Or if just doesn’t mind? Does he miss it? Am I just being controlling! I hate it I wish it didn’t existe!!! I have to say my boyfriend is an amazing man he tells me I’m pretty everyday he helps me with chores. My kids want to call him dad he is so involved with them like his own! We’ve been together 2 years and now I’m pregnant. Am I being too controlling!? Should I let him should I ignore it? Would he fou it behind my back? I get anxious about this. Would I feel different if it was legal? I wouldn’t like him to smoke cigarettes either and I get upset if he drinks more than three beers in a night. I don’t like when it hinders the person it changes them. I’m 29 he’s 28 out party days of drinking I feel is what you do when you were young now grow up?!
Ariel,
Your story is very similar to mine. I have decided to breakup with my boyfriend of 2 years. I knew he smokes pot from the beginning of the relationship, however I thought he’s just socially smoking here and there. We moved in together a year ago, and I came to realization that he smokes everyday and he smokes the mj concentrate, he vapes while driving . He won’t contribute to financial liabilities , however, he would spend 10k on his bangs . He also deals it. Everytime we fight over this issue, he gets more and more distant from me. The only thing kept us together was that I was actually addicted to this twisted relationship and wanted to fix it. It is the co dependency. I have to quit this relationship cold turkey and find my own happiness back. The addicts will always choose their addiction over their relationships.
Maybe I should leave my boyfriend. He said he would do what he wanted, but if we get serious it will just be the same situation. He wont want to be told what to do and I’ll leave. This is about weed and other drugs by the way. It’s totally against everything I know and I simply cannot cope with it.
Dear Ariel,
I feel your pain and frustration. Your story sounds identical to mine. When my girlfriend first told me about her marijuana use, I thought I could deal with it and I did to some extent but when she started smoking it in her home when I visited it made me feel very uncomfortable. As time went on and we talked about moving in together she removed it from her home and really decreased her usage.
We like you have discussed marriage and are now living together. Since moving in with each other her smoking habits are very rare which is nice but my outlook on marriage has changed. We still have heated discussions about her usage and with Canada about to legalize pot, I’m not sure where that will leave us.
John
Dear Stanton, I myself have a similar situation. A relationship of 1.5 years living together that ended because where pot use I was a significant issue. There were other stresses as well, I myself suffer from a lack trust due to an old history of alcohol/drug that took place in my younger life and he has major defenses because of failed marraiges and relationships. He has children and I never married or had children. We are both musicians and very connected. We have both been through a lot of hurt but weren’t able to work with one another. Towards the end he was angry and pulled away, not even the same person. He was smoking throughout the day. I tried it with him to demystify it all but in heart I know it’s not how I want to feel. I know it isn’t authentic and although I appreciate its relaxing effects, trust with someone has to be more important. The relationship has to be cared for. So we seperated. It was terrible. I gave my all and he seemed to carry on just fine. Over the past 3 months I worked on myself as an independent artist and my own person. I was around pot on my own and did smoke it occasionally. Why? Because I quit alcohol over a decade ago and weed is everywhere I turn. Maybe I am lacking in strength. Maybe I just want to throw in the towel. We have talked recently. Even visited and reunited. The love is there but so is the weed. I have a therapist. I dont want to hurt myself in this. He says he has learned a lot and has missed me and always wanted it to work out. He knows I dont want to be around weed on a daily basis and says he is willing to try limiting it and keeping it recreational and with control. He says he lost it with what was happening to us but doesnt smoke like that anymore. He is a functional daily user and has been all his life. He uses it to treat anxiety. He has tried prescription drugs but they dont work. We had been engaged. Now he and I are talking about a future with each other again. I love him more than I ever have but scared to death all of it will go down the same path. He used to leave if we fought and I wouldnt hear from him for hours. If I got him on the phone I could tell he was stoned and didnt really want to deal with me. That was the past….I have changed but not at my core. I It would take something of a miracle for me to not be threatened by his weed use. As I am in the midst of seeing him as of late this article helped. The difference is that my guy is now seeing my importance because he lost it. He is saying he wants to be by my side and do what it takes. But is this realistic? I have doubt and it already has brought up concern. I dont want to get hurt by this person again.
I would really like to know how this panned out. I am having the same issue with my long-term boyfriend, and I don’t know what to do. I just wish there was a simple way to handle things, but there never is. I love him so much, but I can’t stand the thought of pot being in my (or our- possible future) house. Maybe if it was legal in this state, I would feel differently.
Ariel. Well written indeed. I am in the exact same kind of relationship. My bf of 2 and a half years also smokes most days and i cannot stand it. I told him earlier today that its affecting our relationship. I feel it is the reason he wont move out of mums place (hes 37) and move in with me. Cos he knows i dont wanna see it. I see him sneeking around my backyard when im in the toilet or shower quickly having a puff. The reason he wont socialise, move out/in with me, the decision making process behind every single thing. We see eachother on a schedule of his Wednesday night Nd sat night.. if im busy or need to change it to thursday instead he freaks out cos its change. It is very frustrating. Sex life has also died out. I really dont want it for my future (if there even is one with him) . I can imagine what it would be like living with him. He also smokes with the brothers and mates and made a comment like am i suppose to tell me bros no my mrs wont let me. Well no but surely he can see that its affecting us but has made it clear it wont change. So im leaving. I need to finally be selfish and think about myself and my future. Im 33 not getting younger and want kids.
Wow. Such an well written piece. I’m in the same boat. Bf smokes, I dont. He used to wake and bake all day. I never felt like I had a say in what he did, and knew it was something that if we were going to be in a relationship, wouldn’t stop. We went to Europe for a month where he couldn’t snoke. Also, when we got back he needed to find a job and we started semester at a university. First semester he didn’t go to school, now he does. I realize that now he has a job, he isn’t worried about not smoking. This is the first weekend he’s had weed in a loooong time. I’m worried hell get into the habit of wake and bake all day and it will affect his job, his education and our relationship. He says he wants to treat it like drinking, only on evenings and weekends, but I’m weary of that. His brothers, like your boyfriends, also introduced him to weed. We’re a little young into the relationship to be getting married. I live at his place so I don’t feel like it’s my place to say he should not wake and bake or do what he wants at his place, but I have the same feelings when it comes to getting a place together that isn’t just his. I don’t want weed in the house and especially around kids if we have any. I know he isn’t going to quit and I feel it’s acceptable in social situations at others places too ir other people houses or parties. I wish there was more insight from what exactly to do but I guess I’ll have to let this play out and see if he treats it like alcohol on weekends or if he’ll get back into the wake and bake mode. Anywayd, glad to see im not alone. Thanks.
Ariel,
Stanton,
Hi I am a 49 year old woman from a set of hippy parents and when mom and I met step-dad we entered into much of the same situation you looking at.
Professional, smart as all get out, responsible to a fault (in some ways)… I hope to impress upon you that there was a separation, a divide, that grew in our family from that point forward when mom moved into a “I’m over that phase now” and stepdad remained a daily pot smoker. I have 2 younger sisters who grew up with it all around. It affected us all differently, but after 40 years of marriage, my mom has been forced to put her foot down and leave because the long term effects of that type of substance are quite different than short term. The smoke is a divisive addiction and I am in a relationship with a smoker now too. I am feeling ALL of the same things you described about the one who doesn’t partake. I can assure you I was not always Polly Anna and I know how it feels to partake it still feels the same as you described now that I am on a different “buzz”. (We call it the “natch” meaning natural)… I so hope you follow what you know you need and don’t compromise too much. ☮??
Dear Ariel,
Reading your story has put a perspective on my own situation.
My boyfriend uses and when we initially got together he smoked daily, when we moved in together I said things had to change and he had to cut down because it wasn’t going to become a part of my daily life as well.
He stuck to this and he cut down and only smoked on a Friday night and would go to his friends house, recently I have said to him that before we buy a house and have children I would like him to quit and he has abstained from smoking now since 23/12/2015 which for him is an achievement, and I am proud of him for this.
This weekend we had a row though, as he feels that if he were to smoke once a month this shouldn’t be a problem as he wouldn’t be doing it around me and it wouldn’t be in the house. I firmly said no and reminded him of the promise he made to quit. I now feel like I am being too harsh, he has shown me how much I mean to him and our relationship and I now feel I am trying to control this aspect of his life, which was never my intention.
I respect that you compromised with your partner and were okay with him doing it around his friends/brothers etc. I think you are completely within your right to say that when you get a house together you want for it to be a smoke free zone as it is not just his space anymore and as much as you give him respect and are okay with him smoking with others, he needs to show you the same level of respect by accepting that it is a fair comment to not have it smoked in or around the family home.
I understand that it takes a lot of time to get through to your partner about their habits and being able to come to an agreement as I have been having the same trouble.
I know I haven’t helped much, but I think you have helped me in my situation and that I am being a little too controlling and demanding by asking him to stop completely, as it is something he was open about with me right from the start and I knew what I was getting myself into. He asked for a compromise of once a month being able to smoke with his pals an I think that is a fair deal.
Again sorry I haven’t really helped much in your situation, but I want to thank you for helping me in mine.
Tawny