Should I live with a marijuana addict who is otherwise a good man?

Dear Stanton,

I am writing because my boyfriend is a daily pot smoker. We have been together for almost five years and for five years, it has been the one aspect of our relationship that I would consider a huge problem. He has been smoking pot since high school so he has quite an extensive history. Strangely enough, my boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic, went through rehab and AA and has not had a drink in over ten years. He does not smoke cigarettes or do any other drug but needs his daily joint.

I, on the other hand, do not drink, smoke or do anything and never have. The legality of marijuana is not this issue for me as there are legal substances which cause plenty of problems. It is what it does to your body and mind and overall health. Not to mention the addiction (although they may say pot is not addictive physically, only mentally, it is as addictive as can be that’s why people can’t quit). I used to try to get him to quit which got me nowhere. He just can’t. He recently moved in with me. I decided that I would simply have to accept him the way he is. His pot is really his problem not mine. I certainly never made good on my threats to leave because I love him and wanted to be with him. I realized I either had to accept it but not approve of it or leave. When he moved in, I told him that he had to keep it to one designated room. I am not thrilled with this but I guess I am too tired to argue about something he isn’t planning on quitting. He did manage to completely quit marijuana on his own last year (his descision) and kept it up for six months straight. Then he fell back into it. He doesn’t like that he does it but he just finds it so hard to stop.

For some people, this is a simple problem. They would say, “if you don’t like that he smokes it, leave him” or “if he won’t quit for you, then he is not worth having.” It is not as simple as that. He is a good man who is kind and cares about people, does many things for others and treats me wonderfully. We have fun together and it isn’t like he sits on the couch all day and does nothing. He makes a good living and is productive. I think I am doing the right thing by taking the “accept it” approach but I do feel unsure sometimes. Do you have any thoughts on this?

Sincerely,

Abby


Dear Abby,

Thank God he’s not leaving you because you won’t smoke pot! No, I’m sorry for being flippant. I guess I just think the answer to the question, “Should I accept and stay with a man who fits this description?” – “He is a good man who is kind and cares about people, does many things for others and treats me wonderfully. We have fun together and it isn’t like he sits on the couch all day and does nothing. He makes a good living and is productive.” – is “yes.” Actually, he does seem to be susceptible to substance addictions, and I’m guessing marijuana works better for his life than alcohol. Would you like him better if he took antidepressants?

Stanton

Have you been affected by the issues described in this story?

Many of us have been told that addiction is a chronic disease that cannot be cured. We don’t. We believe that addiction is a compelling, destructive involvement that, because it detracts from other areas of people’s lives, forces them to rely with greater exclusivity on the addictive experience they get from the involvement, whether with drugs or anything else:

Stanton Peele

Dr. Stanton Peele, recognized as one of the world's leading addiction experts, developed the Life Process Program after decades of research, writing, and treatment about and for people with addictions. Dr. Peele is the author of 14 books. His work has been published in leading professional journals and popular publications around the globe.

Comments

  • Andre says:

    I just have to add my 2 cents for everyone struggling with a partner dependent on MJ…

    My wife controls the TV and I cannot stand the garbage TV shows she watches, but I make the choice to give her that everyday and I think it’s worth it. Every relationship has some give and take. If you stay with your partner while objecting to their smoking then you are giving. If you decide you don’t want to give them that liberty then either help them to abstain or leave. Only you can make that choice, not your friends, not your family, and certainly not some random person on here.

    I say help them abstain because some users experience unpleasant withdrawal symptoms when quitting smoking. If you really care about them then understand what they need to leave the smoking behind and help them achieve it, or at least try. It may be that you need to help them quit more than once. I completely understand both sides of the argument, I don’t like trying to communicate with someone stoned out of their mind, but I have also experienced dependency to smoking, it’s a battle that needs to be fought and then sustained. Find the information, work out what you need to help them quit and approach them in a way that shows you understand and you would like to help. Don’t just throw it in their face and complain or threaten to leave. And don’t expect people to just give to you everything you demand, work for it. Give and take.

    Look into herbal supplements to help them sleep and reduce anxiety. Be careful of swapping one dependency with another. Find food they can stomach when quitting. Exercise or go on walks with them, at least for the first week. Be prepared for the mood swings, understand them when they come then gently remind them that they are not themselves for the moment. The first few days up to a week are the worst, after that life is good, really good. It’s like being happily stoned all the time without the foggy brain, red eyes and lethargy. Everyone experiences slightly different withdrawal symptoms so be prepared for that. Don’t just read one article and think you know it all, read lots of user experiences.

    I wish you all the best of luck.

  • Mezz says:

    I am at this moment in life where I’ve hit rock bottom. My husband of 36 years is a marijuana user. He use to smoke it at university where we met and I use to accept it because I was young and lots of our friends used it. We got married and had lovely children and lived a lovely loving and marijuana free life together for 30 years. Two years ago he started using it on daily basis and continuously . He’s now 63 and retired. He had a very good career and provided for us all these years and he still does. The problem is I can’t stand the look of his icy red eyes, his dumb numb look all the time and his stinking breath. If we go on holidays he’s ok for the first two days but then he becomes abusive and so moody cause he doesn’t have it in his system. Now I hate going on holidays or even weekends with him cause I’m too scared of his outranging behaviour when hes not high. When we’re home and he’s smoking it he’s so loving and caring and when our kids come to visit us they love his funny easygoing personality but they don’t know their dad is drug user. I feel so lonely cause I can’t talk to anyone about this. I do have friends but they’re all very happily married so I don’t feel at ease to open up to them. Reading these stories gave me bit of hope that there’s people like me hurting and don’t know what to do. Shall I leave a beautiful loving caring man or should I stay with him and deal with his drug addiction until we die? I’m sooo sad and lonely please tell me what to do.

  • Makayla Bond says:

    Hi ,my husband and I have been married for 7 years I’m 26 he’s 28 I remember when he started to Change he started being rude to me and I found out he was smoking weed my husband is usually caring but when he is high he is rude he’s mentally abusive I’ve cried so many times because of how he treats me when he is high he just acts different people say oh weed doesn’t do that its other drugs no because I’m always with him when he goes to the weed store I don’t smoke at all I’ve always never liked it he’s so addicted and out marriage is not good right now he has said horrible things to me but I don’t want to leave him he is the love of my life

  • Megan says:

    I am dealing with the same thing right now, The constant small lies which add up over time, and the unwillingness to notice there is a serious issue. People who are addicts think we are the ones who are the problem, and they are just trying to live their lives peacefully. It’s absolute delusion when you speak to them. They always have an excuse for everything, and you feel like you’re always having the same fight over and over again. It’s sad, because I don’t want a relationship where you’re tracking someone’s moves and finances, and have zero trust or proper boundaries – what type of a relationship is that. What’s sad is that people act as though weed is totally harmless, and anything against it is pure propaganda. I now see the other side as it is affecting my life personally right now. My husband, who is a truly patient, handsome and kind person, is turning into a total degenerate. His memory is going, he doesn’t dream, he has constant sinus infections, his moods are up and down. He says it is for his IBS, but I know without a doubt it is actually causing more issue than it resolves with stomach issues. Smoking weed does not get to the root cause of the problem, and people become complacent with the quick fix and “innocence” around it. Addiction to anything is just escapism and not facing your demons head on.

  • May says:

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 months now. When we met he was clean from drugs so he told me but did drink a lot on the nights I didn’t see him.
    I noticed a change in behaviour he seemed distant like he was seeing someone else or some drug had him hooked.
    After watching him slip downwards, his eyes rolling In he back of his head vomiting for no reason at all and falling asleep I waited knowing he would slip up and I’d find out the truth. He ended up in hospital after an argument with what he told me was he passed out and had a possible heart attack. He told me he drank a whole lot and had two Valium. This seemed to not add up but I stood by him and he found out he had a heart condition that can cause fainting and sudden death. His mum came to stay to be with him as soon as she left he started to slip again waiting for the truth trying to put all the little prices together.
    After washing his track pants on their own in my washing machine I found a syringe. He admitted to using heroin.
    I informed his brothers and I let him once again his mum came to stay. He admitted he overdosed that time he was in hospital and it wasn’t from alcohol and Valium. I tried to see the positive side that he found out about his heart condition but also gave him a chance to come clean and glad to hear he didn’t want to do heroin or any opioids again.
    He was a heavy ex weed smoker before.
    The day his mum left he went and bought some weed I was pretty upset but he promised he would be honest with me about his use. I let it go since it had been a hard time the past few weeks and very emotional for everyone. He made me very upset with so many lies it was lie after lie.
    I found out he also has bipolar which he didn’t tell me. I’m dealing with a rebellious teenager I keep thinking. He is very intelligent but works a below minimal wage job has no money save and over draws his account most weeks. After his 1st batch of weed ran out I was hoping he wouldnt want to do it anymore. I don’t drink smoke nor do drugs ive had experience with exes who are addicts and they don’t get better till they are ready which is usually after they hit rock bottom.
    We are on a break at the moment and he can’t seem to understand that he is a good person treats me nicely and we have fun together and get on well but he doesn’t seem to have a goal in life nor the desire to save for anything he made a comment that if I have a baby with him could he be a stay home dad and I work I said no of course but I’m so scared to stay with him cause I don’t want him to become financially dependent on me. He is used to his mum paying for all his car expenses and bills ect now she has cut that off I know he is struggling even more. I love him but don’t want to make the wrong decision. 🤷‍♀️

  • Liliana says:

    I am the daughter of an alcoholic. I met a man who could not take care of himself, wouldn’t eat meals; cried about his ex taking the kids far away. As a co-dependent, I did what I had always done: I began taking care of him. I knew he smoked pot a little; not a big deal. He was loving toward me. Once we married and got a house with my credit, he quit working everyday. He abused his companies’ FMLA policies. He pushed me to earn more and more money to fund his account. Then he began secretively smoking more and more. After only two years into our relationship he could no longer get an erection and would not have sex with me. No physical intimacy at all; no alternate methods. Whenever I tried to leave he said, go ahead, I’ll get the house. He always denied having an addiction. I took care of all the responsibilities inside and outside of the house. One day I almost died. He stepped up. He got a good job and quit pot. He said he didn’t want to lose his beautiful baby. I loved him with all my heart even though we still had no physical intimacy. Shortly afterward he got stage 4 lung cancer. He still denied pot had anything to do with his health problems; however because of the pain he began smoking pot again while on prescription morphine. He held me while he was dying. I had been with him for 20 years. He kept calling my name until he could no longer speak. I am still crying. I advise anyone if you meet someone who smokes a “little” pot, find out how much. Do not take care of them. Walk away from them if they are needy. Do not put yourself through the pain.

  • Denisa Chiritescu says:

    I am glad I found this site, I mean so many people with stories close by mine. Im pregnant with a marihuana addict that smokes 2 times a day, I told him to quit because he will get a son and I cant allow my baby around someone like this. He gets mad and dont listen, he doesnt wanna stop, and I am really sad because I realize I may leave him. His parents are also really dissappointed and he acts like he doesnt hive a crap he keeps doing it, hes only thinking about himself. Ill do whatever it needs to keep this baby safe even if away from him.

  • Monique Perry says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. So long that he does not abuse and misused. Everything,
    if used properly and moderately proves to be beneficial.

  • Marshmallow says:

    I am in the same situation. Husband was a smoker when we first met. But it seemed more recreational at the time. And me clueless about drugs, or at least the ones deemed to be okay to use, didn’t help. I kept being told how we were gonna have this great future with him being in business for himself. He still lived with his parents, running a cabinet shop off the back of their house. Dummy me, I should a ran.
    Since we’ve gotten married, we’ve been homeless a couple times, my credit is ruined and me and my children had no access to doctors or dentists for years.
    I’m not sure why, but why didn’t his parents try to warn me to not marry him, instead of treating me as though I was beneath them? Well young ladies, I’m 51 now. And it’s been living a nightmare. Please avoid these guys. They get verbally abusive and think everyone is trying to screw them over, including you. They are willing to make you do without, while they have.
    I kept telling myself it would get better every day. But it doesn’t. It just gets worse.

  • Kevin Murphy says:

    As long as he doesn’t hurt you and you love him, then there’s no reason to leave him. Maybe he’s just taking cannabis for health reasons. Learn more about cannabis at Cropkingseeds.com to understand his situation.

  • Simon F says:

    I started a relationship with a girl who claimed she only smoked casually. Its just come out that in fact she smokes 2-4 joints a day every day for 20 years.
    I asked her politely if she could not be high at the times we met.. Not a good d idea lol.. She lost her temper called me controlling and said she just wanted to enjoy her freetime….i guess I have never seen her not high.. Anyway last night we split.. She choose weed over me.. Shame really.
    But I know I’m going to feel better

  • IamMine says:

    I can relate to the money all going to weed and the angry outbursts. And here i thought weed is supposed to calm a person. A big fat lie created by stoners to justify their smoking. The man I fell in love with was a recovering addict who after 3 years with me decided to start having a love affair with Mary Jane. Its turned him from a once giving and attentive man into a whining abusive unnatentive boyfriend and father.

  • Shell says:

    Omg! I am dating this guy who smokes when he is with his friends which is at least twice a week. Having been brought up by parents who are strict with the no smoking (anything) rule I too am against it. I just do not like substance abuse and find that people need to work on their demons rather than using something to numb the pain…today I told him over the phone that i can’t do this anymore but he wants to talk things out. I am a healthy active ambitious woman and want the same from my partner. If not, I will be single but I won’t settle because in the long run I will be the one compromising my values and principles and maybe ending up with kids from a guy who smokes and gets knocked out afterwards.

  • Anne says:

    Glad I stumbled upon this. Even though I truly care for my boyfriend (now ex), I made the decision to break up with him a few days ago. I thought I was okay with him being a daily smoker, but I wasn’t. He is a good person, but we’re no longer as close as we once were. I go to the gym, workout, I’m healthy, active, etc – he is not. I’ve tried subtle hints here and there but no use. He would work hard for a few days or weeks, then on his off day (s) or week (s) would do absolutely nothing but watch TV and smoke, eat, sleep, repeat. Near the end, I figured out he told me quite a few lies, and that was it for me.

    I want a healthy, happy, fit, drug free alcohol free, hard working honest guy. Even if I don’t find someone like that, I’m very well happy on my own! If I have children, I do not want them to be around that! My future kids deserves a safe, happy, healthy environment.

    I wish my ex all the best, and I hope he realizes that escaping reality, and surpressing whatever it is by smoking weed is not the answer. It’s not healthy, and I hope he becomes the best version of himself and gets off that addiction.

    Hope all that made sense.

  • Lina says:

    I wish I read these stories sooner. I struggled with an abusive weed addict for about 7 years. When we met he didn’t smoke and I fell in love so fast, it was a fairytale. He chose to smoke and I fought and begged him not too. Soon he became a daily user, then an all day user. Collecting cans to take back for weed, stealing every chance he got. I had to hide my wallet as soon as I got home, sleep with my purse. He was so angry and unberable to be around most of the time I already had money I knew I had to give him to smoke, but it was never enough. The last few years he would sleep until 3 pm daily, he never had a job, he cheated all the time. We spent the entire time fighting, that is when I was not working 2 jobs plus overtime. We have a daughter and I didnt want her watching him sleep and be abusive. He was kicked out by police, and I was ordered to go to therapy. I hope this helps someone understand what addiction to weed can do to your life. I dont feel sorry for any addicts out there only the people they forse to suffer who love them.

  • Sharon says:

    I have been married for 20 years. When I met my husband he was in college and smoked pot like many people did. We got married and he told me he was going to quit since we going to have our first child. I didn’t realize that he had started smoking much earlier. I also didn’t realize that he was actually addicted, of course it wasn’t long before I knew. The constant lies, deceit, promises broken have been going on for 20 years. This drug is isolating and I feel lonely much of time. He would rather escape reality than be present which is hard to not take personally. He will occasionally have weeks of sobriety but I can always tell from just looking at him when he starts again. When he quits he mean and argumentative, when he smokes he is dumb and unattractive. My kids are now 20, 17 and 15 and my biggest regret is that I have stayed and what that message sends to my children. He has never smoked in our house or in front of me or the kids and has always held a job so I guess that is a positive comparatively. It’s like he has a completely separate life. We argue about his addiction constantly and he is manipulative and turns everything around on me. We don’t speak for days but inevitably we start having to talk about everyday things and he will promise again to quit and then we are okay briefly. I realize he isn’t going to change and that I need to walk away eventually. I’m working on me, I have started doing yoga 4 days a week and I’m getting stronger. I need to free myself of his addiction.

  • Hannah says:

    I can’t believe there are other people out there with the same issue. My boyfriend smoke everyday. He gets these random outbursts of anger sometimes towards everything. He hates how bad I don’t like weed. I feel like he loves weed more than me because that’s his lifestyle. I gotta be honest, him and I are almost 20 and I am so afraid he is never gonna grow up and get out of the dead end job he has. I want a family someday! It’s so hard to left go of someone you love and when they have an addiction to anything it’s even worse. I feel like I have to be responsible for the both of us when that shouldn’t be the case.

  • CJ says:

    I have been with my husband for 22 years married to him for 14, both working.
    Our relationship has always been a bit topsy turvy not exactly the perfect couple, have had our shares of ups and downs. Before our marriage we had quite a violent relationship it was so stupid mostly due to insecurities and jealousy. Alcohol and his smoking didn’t help, still hard to believe we got married. 14 years into our marriage i’d like to think we’ve matured a lot we no longer have those insecurity problems.

    After years of abusing our bodies and getting older i guess you start questioning yourself about what you really want in life? and for me healthy living and to own a home is on my mind. So i’ve involved myself in activities that keep me quite busy gave up the smoking which has been 3 years, I use to drink quite heavily but only drink socially which is hardly as my schedule is pretty full on. Introducing this better way of living in my life, i was hoping it would make some positive changes to my husbands life. Well, it hasn’t exactly turned out that way. Actually nothing about him has changed not one bit the habits he had prior to our marriage is still well and active today yes he’s motivated at times, he works hard, cleans the yard, enjoys his own space all the time and would prefer to stare at his you tube all day with his cigarettes and weed, that his everyday life has just become a habit by nature. He has friends that don’t come around cause unlike him they are actually enjoy being active with their families or just in life in general i mean really, should i be complaining? He’s not out there hanging with his mates till all hrs of the weekend forgetting about his mrs i mean it’s not like he’s being a nuisance to society either, that can’t happen if a person loves being unsociable right? wrong.

    What this habit has endured for me over the years has been a lot of, uncertainty in our marriage heartbreak and hard work. Im still working on it, working on weather my marriage is even worth saving anymore it doesn’t matter how hard you try to make positive changes in your life don’t expect them to change only they can make that happen.

    His high in life is when he’s got weed he’s calm and you can have a laugh and enjoy a conversation with him.
    His lows however, is when he’s all dried up and he doesn’t have access to it. frustration kicks in. There have been times i know he’s tried avoiding me to not start an argument but, most times i think the frustration gets the better of him then all hell breaks loose, not physically definitely mentally. You start hurling horrible abuse at one another and thats when the past catch’s up with you again or him being negative about the positive your trying to create in your little world every things your fault even the fact
    his substance abuse has also effected his sex drive and self care. lord give me strength.

    His choice of lifestyle is definitely taking its toll on me i’m depressed as hell my old habit’s are starting to rear it’s ugly head but that i can work on. It’s having to start all over again recreating that life you already created for yourself in your current situation only to have it crushed and to start from scratch with no saving’s and debt. at least i have a job i guess.

  • Another situation says:

    I only found this site because I am very recently in a situation and just wanted to see how common this is. I hear the stories about weed, it calms you, it helps balance you, it’s harmless. I think since there’s this wave of legalisation going across the us, we are in a sort of honeymoon phase when it comes to marijuana. no one want to say anything bad or critical about it, not even doctors. I was one of those people even though I don’t smoke.

    My ex fiance, we had been together 3 years. I knew her for about 7-8 years. When we first got together on a romantic level, she told me she smoked. I meet people here and there that smoke and I was indifferent to it but as time went on, I found it she smoked every day all day when she wasn’t at work.

    I had a conversation with myself about this, to see if I could handle bring with someone that smoked as much as she. I said I will deal with it.

    Things started to progress with me and her, we got to where we were doing things, important things not just fun and games dating and the weed smoking really started to be a problem. It’s one thing if you go out to dinner or go hang out with friends and she is high, along with some of the friends. But it’s completely different when your going to meet with someone over important things, like hiring contractors etc and she is so high that she can’t even finish sentences and completely zones out, not answering questions when asked. I said to myself, we need to have a talk.

    Before the talk happened, she had a breakdown. aggressive, got physical, broke things in my place, kicked me out. It was a 2 day meltdown. Nothing like I’ve ever experienced before. She ended that meltdown by moving out. Mind you 30 minutes into get breakdown I basically stopped my participation. She acted alone in this for 2 days. As far as I was concerned, things were over. I loved her but this was over the top by far.

    After about a month, she apologized and tried hard to fix things. I told her we can’t be together if she is still smoking. She said “no problem, I don’t have to smoke, I’ll stop” she gave all she had weed related to her friend and she was done. 3 days later I go to visit her and she is high, house smelled of weed. She said she went back to her friend the next day and got everything back.

    I know it takes more that a few days to quit so I hung in there, gave her a chance. This went on for another year. But then it went to her lying and sneaking around. Our life was compartmentalized as she had a weed life that she tried to hide from me. If I ever called her on it, she would lie and if she couldn’t lie, she would get angry and it would turn into an argument, I mean bad arguments where she would say the worst things etc. I found myself tip toeing around all the time

    After a year of this, she started to try to sneak and smoke in front of me, like go in the garage and smoke, get up in the middle of the night and smoke. It was too much. I eventually ended it.

    I don’t think that everyone that smokes is bad to deal with, but I look at it like alcohol, there are people that drink then there are alchoholics. She was a weed version of an alchoholic.

    The bad thing, she had asthma really bad, the weed causes her to cough and have asthma attacks all the time. This is a 40 year old woman, we aren’t college she kids etc. She tells her Dr that she smokes weed and the doctor tells her that it’s fine. She also has diverticulitis, has had a couple of boughts with that where we ended up in ER. When you research that, it say that smoking can trigger it. She told 2 different doctors that she smokes and they said it’s fine, even doctors aren’t warning her. The way things are these days, there’s no one to tell people the potential problems, even when they are experiencing them. It makes it tough for the non weed smoker in a relationship. While it is indeed causing problems, everyone in the weed smokers life is telling them they are fine and enabling them

  • mick says:

    I met a lovely woman who smoked pot. I fell for her quite quickly and done a lot of home improvements for and nursed her when she was ill and after an operation she had. About a year after we met I called at her home . she was not long back from work and as soon as I entered the house I could tell by her facial expression she wasn’t a happy bunny. I had seen her like that a few times before however that night she got very enraged and told me to go. I couldn’t understand so I started researching marijuana effects on users and I was shocked to say the least. the night she blew up was one of the times she had run out of pot. 5yrs on we are still friends and I have continued to try and be supportive. however once in the 6yrs I asked her to call on me as I felt really ill and couldn’t face driving anywhere. her response was a flat refusal. I have to say after the phone call ended I just sat there and have to admit that I was in shock. I couldn’t understand that someone I had looked out for so many times over the yrs could just do that. I think it is the weed that’s made her so selfish and very quick to anger. a few days ago she lied to me about something trivial which she used to do when I first met her and I had asked not to lie . I had kept my distance from her in the past and either one of us would eventually get in touch. when she lied the other day I didn’t make a big deal about it but even though I still care for her deeply I have long realised there is no such thing as having a meaningful relationship with a pot head unless maybe both parties use. I have wasted 6 yrs of my life .

  • Suz says:

    Pot addicts have major issues, not to themselves though. You will see through the story’s/ needs/ temper/lazyiness soon enough if you stay. You become an enabler. I have made this mistake twice now and it has resulted in losing my self esteem. Tiptoeing around the moods, avoiding irrational mood swings, feeling scared as they DO get aggressive,
    DONT STAY WITH ANYONE WHO IS ADDICTED!! Selfish, nasty and self serving. They cannot love you with addictions as they do not love themselves. It is a bandaid for issues they don’t address. It will always be your fault. They are leaches and need you to support them but not emotionally they will see your money as theirs!! Save yourself and RUN!

  • Adam McCarthy says:

    Hi everyone,

    I just wanted to make a quick post because there appears to be a lot of bad advice on this thread. I’ve seen multiple people suggest you simply up and leave just because your man smokes weed and it’s “only going to get worse”. Whilst this is of course a possibility, it’s not a given. Much of the advice/opinions here sprout from their own relationship experience, but their man is not your man, they’re different people with different personalities, interests etc.

    So this has to be a judgement call on from your prespective. There will normally be clear-cut signs if the relationship is going rocky i.e. abusive, emotionally unresponsive etc. but if your man is still productive, has a job to help support and still shows that he cares and loves you, I honestly don’t see the problem.

    This may change over the course of time, but it may not always be the weed to blame. Relationships are HARD with or without weed, they take a lot of work & commitment, but somethings people just simply grow apart and feelings for one another dry up.

    I wish everyone in this thread the best, but people shouldn’t just make quick judgement calls based on your own experiences. Its not always helpful and may push someone into making a decision that wasn’t necessarily required for their relationship.

  • Nina says:

    I met my husband at work I was 30 he was 29. I did not know he smoked pot until two years after our wedding. I loved him with all my heart. He started fighting and arguing for no reason. Until one day he brought pot and tried to convince me that it was great for his mind and the body. I hated the smell but because I loved my husband at that time I let him smoked it at the house. Year after year he became distant and started fights and arguments for no reasons. I was afraid and sacred of him. I tried to do everything I could to avoid any arguments. I remembered him sleeping all day when he was not working. He blamed anything bad happening to him on me. I felt lonely most of the time. I was confused and hopeless cried by myself all the time. Until one day I told him that I wanted a divorce. At the beginning he was reluctant but after I told him that I was giving away all my rights. He signed the divorce papers. I PRAY God to forget him. My problem we still working in the same place. I try to avoid him as much as I can.

  • Cathy says:

    My boyfriend and I have been smoking together since we met. We both smoked daily and often very heavily in the evenings. It has been a year and a half, and the smoking has caused my anxiety to become unbearable. I suffered from weed-induced psychosis and since then, I have struggled to even be around other people smoking and have completely stopped myself. After speaking to my boyfriend, he has no intention of quitting at all and seems reluctant to even cut down. I feel that this is affecting our relationship negatively, and have asked him whether he has a drug problem to which he gets very defensive. I don’t think I want to be around such a heavy pot smoker when I am trying to stop myself, but it is difficult as I live with him and we have the same friendship group. I also find myself getting very angry when he chooses to smoke over spending quality time with me, and I take it very personally. Any advice?

  • C.T. says:

    Am writing this at a much later date just in case it helps someone. I too lived with a man who smoked daily. He always would retreat to a bedroom and smoke in there; it pulled us apart. I had my own drinking problem at the time, so I know I was not easy to live with either (I’ve been sober for 7 years).

    He eventually left me very abruptly because I began to ask that he help me pay for the rent. I had supported him up to that time. He moved in with an ex-girlfriend. I was devastated, but looking back, I’d never take him into my life again even if the opportunity presented itself.

    Realize that marijuana is an *extremely strong drug.* All the folks who smoke it talk about how beneficial it is, but there’s nothing beneficial about the drug, aside from perhaps using the oil for medical purposes. I suggest you get the book “Tell Your Children.” The author has researched the effects of marijuana and how it causes psychosis in many users (my ex was extremely bipolar and pot made this much worse– he even threatened his own sweet mother with a kitchen knife!).

    Psychosis can lead to violence. I know this is hard to hear because we all think we won’t find another man if we leave the man we love. But it’s better to live alone than to live with a drug addict, an addict who cannot put down an *extremely strong drug.*

    Is he present when he’s stoned, really present? My man was not present. Now he found a new girlfriend and is having children with her, and she has propped him up and does all the big work in their life. I can’t imagine having young kids and smoking pot, but he will find some way to justify smoking pot even though he has young kids in the house.

    I always keep in mind the three things that are immediate Red Flags: 1) drug or alcohol abuser; 2) physical or emotional abuser 3) a cheater. If a man has any one of these attributes, run for your life! It isn’t worth playing second fiddle to a pot head. All addictions only get worse over time if they’re not stopped.

  • Jennifer Smith says:

    Is he worth it? It’s only you who can answer it. Why is he an addict? Maybe he has pains.

  • Lucy says:

    When I married my husband I knew of his pot smoking. He was successful in his career, family oriented, loving, considerate, warm, etc. He was 38 and I was 32 when we got married. I realized I had a problem with his smoking when he was running low or out. He was inpatient, kind of mean, mentally abusive , obsessive so different from the man I fell in love. I told myself I have to be smarter and keep a low profile when he wasn’t smoking so I wouldn’t trigger his bad temper. We had two kids and he never quit and I honestly didn’t want him to quit. Life was worse if he wasn’t smoking pot and I was an enabler. I should have pressed and asked him to quit and seek professional help for his anxiety. He had smoked since his teens years. He was a heavy smoker and when life and work was more stressful he would smoke more. Don’t take me wrong he was a great guy. Great father, friend, son, uncle, husband but our marriage suffered since he did not want to take trips where he couldn’t smoke his weed. I felt very lonely in this marriage and I take full responsibility for my own mistakes the way I see it now. The last 4 years were the worst since his company was bought out although his high end pay job did not change the new management company put more pressure on his directors. He smoked more to cope with it but he was not happy. I always wonder where we will end up with his smoking since I always fear he would have a heart attack or other health issues. His coughing was bad. Well he is gone. Cancer unknown primary, 2 rounds of chemo and got what the doctors thought was pneumonia but in reality it was the cancer spread to his lungs in the most rapid way. Doctors never seen such an agressive form of cancer. I believe the smoking killed him. He was 56. So think it really hard since your marriage will never be a normal one. And live with the consequences. I had 17 years of happiness and unhappiness, ups and downs. I loved him and he was the love of my life but now he is gone.

  • Ken Thompson says:

    Stay with him. I suggest you start a daily marijuana schedule. There’s many health benefits. Your life will never be the same ever again.

  • Jim Gibson says:

    Be the source of his inspiration to change. Cannabis can be helpful but if he is too addictive, encourage him to be a better man. You can do it with God’s help. If you both love each other, it is possible.

  • Emily says:

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for about six months, and I love him dearly. Like your significant other. He’s an amazing man with a wonderful heart.

    When we saw each other the other day, he threw me a curve ball. (Note: He moved in with his roommate the week before.) He not only mentioned that his roommate’s girlfriend (both are coworkers) smokes weed but he’s planning to start smoking weed when it becomes legal.

    It broke my heart. Now, I’m questioning his motives plus I do not fully trust him anymore. This is in part because I saw the effects of weed took on a friend’s roommate. I’m not sure if I can put myself thru it like my friends. I’m beginning to wonder about our future.

  • Sue says:

    Hello, I am in a relation with 59 year old, never married man who smokes pot from the time he gets up till night when he goes to bed. He lived in a house that he called it barn but I helped him to change the entire house to a better place to live. Now he is asking me to more be responsible with paying his bills that he calls it our bills. He is nice man. He doesn´t eat breakfast but he smokes the pot. I believe he has issues but hidding it behind his pot calmness. I can´t rely financially on him but he calls it emotionally support, which is useless. I am trying to find a way to leave him meanwhile focusing on being helpful if he wants that.
    Thank you for sharing stories and good luck to all.

  • Heart hurts in Va says:

    I love my bf but after six years breaking it off a year and a half ago and being back together few months thereafter I feel I’m at the same place I was before I broke things off. He smokes and while I don’t find the substance itself to be totally awful, I’ve smoked more off than on since being a teen, other contributing factors make it more than hard. He lies about taking money from my account and I know he spends it on weed, and non opioid, but still illegal pills. He lies about how much he consumes and buys for his mother, who also hides her use from his dad that doesn’t consume. He works, even earns more, but still needs money from me due to his drug spending. I want a home, a child and the truth but fear after arguing and trying too many times to count things will never change. Ive stopped even occasionally as I know he uses this to get me on his side. Ultimatum and try in a more strict way or just accept it won’t change and if my goals are important to my happiness I have to end the relationship? Views?, I do love him but I can’t be driven nuts trying when our goals aren’t the same.

  • Heart hurts in Va says:

    I love my bf but after six years breaking it off a year and a half ago and being back together few months thereafter I feel I’m at the same place I was before I broke things off. He smokes and while I don’t find the substance itself to be totally awful, I’ve smoked more off than on since being a teen other contributing factors make it more than hard. He lies about taking money from my account and I know he spends it on weed and non opioid but still illegal pills. He lies about how much he consumes and buts for his mother who also hides her use from his dad that doesn’t consume. I want a home, a child and the truth but fear after arguing and trying too many times to count things will never change. Ultamatim and try in a more strict way or just accept it won’t change and if my goals are important to my happiness I have to end the relationship.

  • Caz says:

    Met my younger husband whilst on holiday, he was working at the hotel. I knew he liked a drink but never knew about the weed addiction until after he came to live with me in the UK. Would not have married him had I known. Apparently he started smoking it as a young teen and this can affect the development of the brain. He was a nightmare to live with at times when he was getting low on his supply, moody silent and angry and would smash things. I began to get scared every morning when he woke up fearing of his moods. I finally saw sense and the bigger picture and what the next 10 to 20 years or so would be like and we separated. It controlled his life, he was emotionally abusive to me, he withdrew socially and had major paranoia issues again something which I believe happens because he started so young. The money it cost deprived us of having a social life too, I worked but he couldn’t hold down a job, I stupidly , but to keep the peace gave him money for his habit. But as I’ve said I managed to get out of the relationship and marriage as proceeding with divorce, just wish I knew about it when I married him though I suspect he would have said that he would have given it up. IMO it destroys relationships.

  • alice says:

    The case is a bit different . I had a crush on someone 2 years ago and i’m 18 now. He smokes weed . But recently he proposed me .Slowly my friends started to talk about him,like those bad things they heard about him. I heard things like he’s addicted to weed,alcohol. What should i do? Should i accept and make him change or continue with my life without him?

  • Charntenae says:

    oh and I don’t mean you as in Abby are the problem , I meant the abuser are. And I forgot to say I also have a job and my boyfrind does aswell. And I i see you posted this years ago but i really do hope you didn’t give up on him

  • Charntenae says:

    Hello!
    I have seen a lot of negative comments here but i guess all these women really does have a hard time or atleast had. But I would like to change their and your mindset if possible. Me and my boyfriend are together now for 4years. We have been smoking pot all the way together. We met at a get together and gor intrigued by eachother. We are both very productive. I am studying law and he just finished studying risk managment and economics. We used to be very lazy, depressed and thought it was the weed. I even broke up with him after I decided not to smoke anymore but then i realized, the depression, anxiety and laziness got worce. All the pressure of my daily life got to the best of me. And I also realized the problem didn’t lay with the weed (humans like blaming things) it lied within myself. I took him back and started working on myself. Now I am a hardcore stoner but I love life. I go to the gym, i jog every morning, i eat and live healthy, i am neat , i do great at my studies and I end this all every night with a joint to relax. I don’t drink alcohol at all, I don’t smoke ciggarettes and I was such a great influence on my boyfriend that he has the exact same lifestyle as me. We still take tolerence breaks but boy I love hitting a bong with him, watching movies and laughing my ass off with him over everything. What I am trying to say is that you should not leave your boyfriend if still has a productive life, has a nice personality and still participate in life. These other men had other phsycological problems (i study it aswell with law). To be honest their pain was rooted deep and weed was the obvious victim of the blame. If a man is lazy, depressed, has anxiety and gets mean when he doesn’t have weed then he probably has a underlying problem and thinks weed helps or will help but you can’t let that you down , unless he is willing to go for phsyocological help. Your man seems amazing!. Keep up with him. All problems starts within!. And if I can give you some advice, try trying it sometime with him and see his perspective on things. He will appreciate it and you will expand your mind and understand him more. Weed isn’t the colprate ,you are!. I bet if you take weed away most of these men will still be the same as they are. And besides I don’t smoke to escape , I love my life! I simply use it because it is part of life!. And I love my boyfrind to bits and I believe we are going to be happy for a very long time ,having a blast all the way. And please don’t let social ideas come to your head, follow your heart (intuition) it knows what you need. Lots of love! Sorry for all you ladies having bad experiences…

  • Nk says:

    I met my boyfriend at 18, he was 19. He was a pot head, i didnt really kno what it was. Just fell for him at a naiive age , still finding myself. After a year weed was becoming a problem where he would put weed first. He would sneak to see his friends to smoke bc he knew i didnt like. I actually felt left out and didnt want to lose him so i tried to smoke. I didnt like it at first but soon after we moved out together i felt more comfortable smoking at home instead car and dark alley hide outs. It helped with my petiod cramps, hangovers and got my appetite up. Food tasted the besttt. I got addicted with him. 12 yrs later im 30, still with him. Im not happy and i know its bc of weed, bad habits . It def doesnt help your mind stability, makes you bipolar moody and impulsive. I tried breaking up bc at this point we are both infected , bitter and cant help each other. If anything we will tempt each other to smoke just by each others presence. I feel like im living in hell cant escape

  • Jen says:

    I am too struggling on coping with a husband that is addicted to pot. My husband is using it even before I met him. If only I knew then about it before I got pregnant I could’ve back off, but It was too late.

    We got married and have two kids now.I always thought he will stopped using it when we had our 1st child, but he never did. He couldn’t accept the fact that he is addicted to it, comparing his usage is nothing to what other people consume. I am so tired of arguing about it. I do not want to leave him. He is a good man and a father to our kids.

    I feel like I am on my own all the time. On his day off he stays in the attic the moment he wakes up and starts smoking. I am worried of what it cant do to him and as well as my kids finding out about it. Nobody knows what I am going through, not even him. He thinks I am over reacting.

    I just keep on praying that one day he will realise what he is doing to himself and to our family. God Bless everyone thanks for taking your time in reading this.

  • Daniel says:

    I am married to this man who is also addicted to weed. We have been married for 11 years now. Am 32 and he is 47. I want to leave him but am scared he is going to take my kids away. We had a big argument couple of months ago and he threatened to take the kids away from me. He cares for his family but am tired of feeling anxious and scared when he doesn’t have weed because I know is going to be big argument which will leave the kids scared. I don’t know what to do. Everyone thinks I have this perfect marriage and I don’t want to let people down.

  • Lou says:

    I’ve been married to a good guy for 38 years. Hes smoked pot & lied about it up until this day. I’ve been a good wife to him. We no longer sleep together. He coughs constantly. He always says he will quit but never does. He only says that when I find it. I’m so sick of his lies & deceit. Today is Sunday. We went to church & he’s sneaking around in his shed smoking pot. I take a pill for depression. I feel ubsafe with all the lies & deceits I have had for so many years. It’s like our marriage always takes 2bd place. I wish I had left many years ago. Now I’m 63 & I’ve given everything to a man that only thinks of himself. You young girls….it will never end. Leave & find you an honest, reliable, mature man that wants to experience life & not escape it.

  • Sally says:

    I too am in a similar situation, my partner is 61 and we have been together for 10 years. What really bothers me is l have been conned as 4 years ago he made a point of showing me his bong in the rubbish, and told me he would not use anymore. But l have always been suspicious and a few months ago discovered his bong and pot and cigarettes in a locked cupboard in his shed. Not only has he continued to use but he is also drinking a
    2 – 3 bottles of whisky a week. On a recent weekend away together he got really drunk and verbally ranted at me for over 6 hours about whats wrong with me! His personality is all over the place and making life difficult. And yet he has a good job with responsibilities! I have two adult children living
    with us and also now have a grandchild to protect. I dont want any of them around this. But l feel sorry for my partner, he has no children of his own or family that he cares about and friends are few. I have to get out of this relationship but l’m really scared. I dont know how to end it. Any suggestions would be a great help! Sally

  • Michelle says:

    Hi Leaha, Let him go, I have just done the same thing, I’m 61 and my partner is 57, a successful business man and I’m also a professional. We have been together for 10 years and he adores me. I also have the problem of him drinking after work at a social club, and find myself eating alone In the evening. I find when I have a little grumble he will explode into a rage, I’m not prepared for a further 10 years of this. I feel pretty strong this time as it’s not the first time I have told him to leave. He has no interest in anything really outside the office. You’re worth more than that.

  • Sandybay says:

    I always have had a problem with my partners use of marijuana. Although I don’t think I admitted it to myself.When we got together it was an issue for the first year. He stopped and I think was clean for several years. We’ve been together 12 years now. Over the last few years he’s been using again and also other drugs. Life got harder and he leaned on it to cope. I’m learning a lot about addiction and that it’s a progressive disease. It tends to get worse over time. Over the last year he became more and more abusive to me. I learned that he was using hard drugs behind my back. When I confronted him about his drug use, he told me that he would continue to lie to me. I asked him how he expected to have a relationship founded on lies and he didn’t seem too concerned. Then he said that he no longer wanted to be with me. He said he’d never been happy in the relationship. He is quite depressed from what I can tell. He doesn’t seem to connect any of his problems with us or with his life in general to the drug use. That is often the case with addicts I’ve discovered. They don’t see their use as a problem. I’ve started to ask myself why i am even drawn to him when he treats me badly and rejects me. I’ve been learning a lot about codependency as well. I think with educating myself about the issues and working on myself I’m starting to believe that I deserve a healthy intimate relationship. I feel sorry for him because I think he’s living a shutdown life. But I can’t change him I’ve realized. It’s devastating to end a 12 year relationship. I wish I’d had the courage to walk away earlier. I guess It had to get really bad before I could see it for the problem it was.

  • Miss Purple says:

    Hi ., im also living with man who is Marijuana user and now he turning 50. I find its really not healthy for me to live with though he is hard working person. But due to his drinking and smoking his patient and control is gone. I always ask myself why I’m still living with him. Yes i love him but never the marijuana will never happen. I never dream in my live to retire with a marijuana user. Sometimes i think if i let him go he will find way to stop it to other partner. Im very conservative when it comes to that cause i know even people say its ok my heart says its not ok. I feel sad because i know he is a good man too. But i have my dreams in life. I just pray that one day he will decide to quit it while its not too late for both of us. I always read post about it. i don’t even know what to do!

  • leaha says:

    Tonight i left the man i really love due to a pot habbit it affects his mind and he become abusive when he doesnt have it. Im from a successful family and i have 2 very successful academic and sporting kids who thinnk my partner is a loser. This has been the toughest decision Ive ever made because he is the first man that Ive truely loved. Feeling craap tonight and up for a chat with anyone that will listen.

  • Melanie says:

    If you can accept it then stay. But, I’m guessing you’ve written this because you cannot actually accept it so leave him. Why waste your life living with someone who will always choose a substance over you. It’s exhausting. End it now before it’s too late.

  • E. Boyd says:

    I don’t know when this was posted, I hope that your boyfriend has found the strength to stop.
    My boyfriend also smokes, he has since he was 14, he is now 55.
    We have been together for 25 year, I stayed with him because I also thought he was a good man, but now I have my bags packed because we are about to lose our home and are about to be on the street.
    He lost his job 6 years ago, and has not really looked for work, he’d rather smoke all day, he did get a job through a temp agency but lost it because they drug test, they told him he could reapply after a year which he did but was rejected for employment because he failed the drug test.
    I say the best thing for your well being and health is to wish him well and leave, don’t be like me, I suffer with depression and support the both of us on my disability and savings. Run for your life dear, it will never improve.

  • cordelle says:

    what if they get married wouldn’t it have an effect on their baby’s?

  • Rose says:

    Abby, you need to leave him. As much as it hurts, you have to know down in your heart that you’ll be happier elsewhere.
    I’m going through the same thing right now, he just won’t stop. We’ve fought so many times. But, I don’t have the strength to leave him. I love Him and he is a good man otherwise.

    God can help you if you ask, but it’s going to take a lot out of you so when you leave, make sure you are ready. I’ll be praying for you.

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