When masturbation hurts in a relationship


Further Reading

Dear Stanton:

I read the Q&A about masturbation effecting the relationship you sad it was a natural thing and all. My question to you is my boyfriend masturbates daily a lot I don’t know how many times a day at last once a day and our sex life suffers on my end horribly he can’t maintain an erection and all our sex ends up being a masturbation session can you offer any advise at all on what the problem may be. I think he has always masturbated we have been together for 2 years and I am an attractive woman but our sex is unromantic and leaves me feeling empty he seems content and says sorry for the malfunction but sees no need to change or admit it is a problem. Is it?


Dear Lauren:

This is a problem, because your sex is unsatisfactory, unlike the story in the previous Ask Stanton concerning masturbation. In any relationship, people have the right to find satisfaction, and to ask for what they need. You may think your boyfriend is not satisfying you sexually because he is masturbating, but it may be that he is not engaged enough with you sexually (which can happen for many reasons), and so he seeks sexual gratification through masturbation. But, as you suggest, it is very selfish of him to accept this state of affairs.

Perhaps the best excuse he could make is that he likes being with you, but is unable to find sexual satisfaction through ordinary sex. But this is a serious dysfunction. You might ask him if there is something you can do that could help him gain gratification through sex with you; but it sounds as though he is not shy about having sex the way he wants it when in your presence.

Best wishes,

Stanton Peele

Stanton Peele , recognized as one of the world's leading addiction experts by The Fix, developed the Life Process Program after decades of research, writing, and treatment about and for people with addictions. Dr. Peele is the author of 14 books. His work has been published in leading professional journals and popular publications around the globe.


  • second partner says:

    My girlfriend and I (lesbian relationship) have been together going on 4 years. With in the last year I have began to notice her obssesive need to masturbate. Even while I’m sitting next to her she will touch herself. There is not a night that she doesn’t masturbate. Meanwhile she thinks im asleep next to her. I’ve brought it up, due to the celibacy on my part, and it turns into a question of my sanity. She insists that she is not masturbating day and night. I have thought of stepping out of the relationship because of the lack of affection. What’s worse is she has now, without my knowledge, invested in a vibrator. I awoke one night to this surprise and this is when we fought and she insisted I get help for my mental instability. I started to question my own sanity. What do i do? I am wondering now if there is a touch of mental illness inn her end! Please help!

    Yours but not hers,

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