Night ramblings of a woman in AA: Can AA men trap you?


Further Reading

I am on a lease and his name is not and I wish George would just stand here while HE leaves because I am used to being here and want to stay on my own. SO we are going to discuss this tomorrow. HE can leave and room with whoever. HE is an asshole and accused me of flirting on the phone with someone I don’t even KNOW at my sisters. Last night he told me I was FAT and he is just a misery to be around and if I did not fear him I would just tell him to leave NOW.

What do you think? He has no need for meetings but is miserable. I am not so righteous to preach or force so I leave him alone. AA says “love and tolerance” but do I need to ACCEPT being called a cunt, FAT, crazy, etc ad nauseum? This is why I am confuse with the CHRISTIAN teachings of self forgetting to MARTYRDOM…. I think I may have taken it to the extreme? Is he a friend not drinking on the couch? Or is he a sick person bringing me down or am I responsible for my insides no matter who is around me?

My SPONSOR says I have to take this to GOD. I say I have to take it to my damn BRAIN which tells me kick him out — he HIT me twice and has spit in my face. AA says “God save me from being from angry” How would I treat a sick brother?

Sooo I am scared and full of SICK codependent fear and guilt. Any kind words like “you’re right to go”? WOW this feels as hard as walking into my first AA meeting… I really need to do this to get on with my life. I write to you because I resent a sponsor who tells me only god has the answer. I feel spiritually inadequate and never more ‘on the outside looking in’ than NOW….. Question is? what do these teachings really mean when dealing with sick people, which we all are? Is it selective , conditional love as LONG as the person is a good AA?


Dear Julie:

I am not an expert as far as answering questions about AA, such as “Question is? what do these teachings really mean when dealing with sick people, which we all are? Is it selective, conditional love as LONG as the person is a good AA?” But my personal answer is you need to deal with people for your own health, and not in terms of what AA says.


Thank you for validating my uniqueness and separateness apart from the teachings of the group. I resolved the issue and asked him to leave and am on my journey to self love and respect before I am intimate again with anyone. It takes time to know someone — that is my lesson! People use each other too often based on need and dependency and not valuing the PERSON. I appreciate your response as that was a hard decision and I just fell into a common trap and hope I do not have to enforce any restraining orders as he is not to happy losing his ‘mother’. I apologized for caretaking and disrupting HIS spiritual growth and gave him back to his Self.

Thanks again,

Stanton Peele

Stanton Peele , recognized as one of the world's leading addiction experts by The Fix, developed the Life Process Program after decades of research, writing, and treatment about and for people with addictions. Dr. Peele is the author of 14 books. His work has been published in leading professional journals and popular publications around the globe.

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