Can I compromise with a marijuana smoker I love?


Further Reading

Dear Stanton,

I am at the end of a two-and-a-half year relationship that is ending because of the marijuana habits of my boyfriend. He does it. I don’t. He has never lied about the fact that he smokes pot, nor does he do it “behind my back”. But it has simply never been a part of the relationship that the two of us have been cultivating; that is, the drug does not play a role in our day-to-day lives at all. The only times I’ve been with him when he smokes are at infrequent parties with his group of friends. He does, however, smoke it when people come to visit him at home and I’m not around, when he hangs out with a buddy or occasionally by himself.

This is a substance that has been integral in his life since he was a young teenager (his older brother got him started)and is something that he and his friends have done together for many years (he is 33). He describes it as something “ceremonial” and something that connects him to his friends and brothers. From a ethical or moral standpoint, he sees nothing wrong with the drug because to him it is just like coming home from work and drinking a beer — it relaxes you and is enjoyable.

I, on the other hand, have a philosophical problem with drugs in general — I don’t believe in that sort of escapist mentality. I feel very uncomfortable in situations where joints are being passed around and everyone is high. People act very differently when they are under the influence and I guess I’d rather being around the “real” people. (Although a marijuana smoker would probably argue that people seem more “real” when
you are all partaking of the herb.) It’s the same reason I do not choose to hang around a group of people who’s main source of entertainment is getting wasted-drunk on Friday nights. It’s not fun to me.

Anyway, the relationship between my boyfriend and me had progressed to the point where we began discussing marriage. And needless to say, the marijuana issue has become a real sticking point. At first, I was adament that he had to quit altogether, but he made it very clear that this was not an option for him. So I did some thinking and came to the conclusion that I could repress my natural “flight or fight” response in certain situations where it was present. For example, if the two of us were to go to a New Year’s Eve party, I would not make a big deal about him smoking with his friends and just suck it up and deal with it. If he went on the annual After-Christmas-Hunting-Trip with “the guys”, I would not obsess about the fact that he was getting high out in the woods somewhere. But I had to draw the line regarding marajuana in our future home (we do not currently live together). I’ve told him that I would learn to deal with his smoking when we are in situations like parties at other people’s houses, or when we would go and stay with his brothers; but I could not be comfortable with it in my own home.

I feel like the one place a person deserves to be comfortable is in his own home. I don’t want to come home from the grocery store to a high husband. I don’t want to spend my time watching him get stoned. I don’t want to be relegated to the living room to watch the kids while my husband and “Uncle Jim” step out to the back porch to light one up. I don’t want to worry about my children finding a bag of weed when they dig through Daddy’s filing cabinet. Being on the fringe of this activity makes me feel like a total outsider and very lonley because it’s like the person I love leaves me for a while and is replaced by someone I don’t know. Meanwhile I’m stuck sitting on the couch waiting for him to come back down to earth. His argument is, or course, that he is fundamentally the same person — high or not high— and I just don’t accept him for the person he is. According to his perspective, I’m just looking to change him.

My boyfriend and I were raised in totally different environments and, while he was having these pschodelic experiences with his brothers and friends, I was being fed (in his words) anti-drug propaganda and occupied myself being the “good girl”. According to him I have no idea what I am talking about because I have never experienced it. And in a way, he’s right. I don’t have the same points of reference as he does. I will never understand how it feels to be high on pot because I will never do it. I don’t feel like I need to. All I know is how I feel when I’m around it now and how I feel when I try to think about a future life where it is something that occurs around me on a fairly regular basis. I want to feel safe and free in my own home. I don’t want to have this constraint of worry. And whether its ridiculous (which my boyfriend thinks), or not, its how I feel.

My boyfriend argues that I just don’t trust him. Since it’s not something he does when it’s just the two of us hanging out now, he’s probably not going to start smoking it when it’s just the two of us when we’re married. I should trust him that he’s not going to whip out a big joint in front of the kids. I should trust that he would only smoke “when appropriate”. But his definition of appropriate differs from mine. He has friends who go and get high in the garage while their kids are in the house playing. To him, this is appropriate since the kids have no idea what is going on. He also has friends who have a young baby and just smoke right in front of it. This is “appropriate” because the baby is too young to know what is going on. I feel like any environment with illegal, mind-altering drugs in it is not appropriate for children. Period. To him, this opinion is just my ” Polyanna” syndrome showing itself again. There are other ways to live life and I am just too closed-minded to accept this.

His friends and brothers smoke it far more often than my boyfriend does — some of them on a daily basis. I think it is potentially embarassing for him to think about having to tell his friends that they can’t smoke pot when they come to visit. And I think that it is even more mortifying to my boyfriend that he would have to tell this to his brothers. This is what they do when they are together. He says that it would be very uncomfortable for his older brother to even come to visit if he couldn’t partake. And to ” force” his brother to take his drugs elsewhere to smoke where he would run a greater risk of being caught (because apparently it’s impossible for him to go a few days without it) would be unthinkable. I maintain that people are generally willing (and happy) to abide by “house rules” when they visit other people. It may not be the way you run your life, but, hey, it’s someone else’s house and you have to respect that. My boyfriend feels that no one will want to visit if they no his house is a no-pot zone.

I feel like I have made steps to give him a compromise — he doesn’t have to give it up, but it just won’t be something that will be participated in at home. My boyfriend will not step any closer to my side, however. He says that pot WILL be around and he doesn’t want to have a marriage based on conditions. I can see his point of view — nobody likes to be told what to do—but I also feel that this is a situation where guidelines need to be established.


Dear Ariel:

Gosh, this is a fascinating story. If you cut out the first sentence, you would never guess the conclusion as it went along. I have mixed feelings about your tale. First, let me say, it is extremely well-written. Second, I believe you are right in your decision. Third, it is such a relief to read a letter from a woman — unlike a woman whose boy friend or husband is ruining her life with their substance abuse — who resolves her course of action on her own, without asking someone to else to tell her what to do. But, I regret that your story could be use by the Partnership for a Drug Free America, because it is actually a story about something more complex than that, captured in your sentence: “My boyfriend will not step any closer to my side, however. “ Noble, perhaps, but self-destructive, it would seem. Your situation is a bit dicier than those of the women I cite, in that your boyfriend is not ostensibly a substance abuser, except that to ruin an intimate relationship due to substance use is a sign of a drug problem.


Talk to the Hand
Edwards' confession shows us just how nutty he is


29 thoughts on “Can I compromise with a marijuana smoker I love?

  1. Genna

    Ariel, thank you so much for sharing your story. My situation is IDENTICAL and I have struggled greatly, beating myself up for not being ‘accepting enough’ or ‘close minded’. It took me a long time to realize that whatever the basis for your feelings of simply just not feeling ok with it, how your feel is completely ok. Some people don’t want to be around it – the smokers who say it affects nothing, are not being honest with themselves. They do it precisely because it DOES affect them.
    People have different visions and dreams. The future you see for yourself doesn’t have to include pot. When you find someone who’s vision aligns with yours, you’ll wonder why you ever spent so much time trying to compromise yourself, to make your smoking partner feel happy and better. Don’t compromise you – you’re one of a kind :)

  2. Gabriel Evans

    Dear ariel:

    My name is Gabriel and I’m 16 years old and I really love my girlfriend a lot so much that I would do anything for her really. But I always felt that I was alone because my girlfriend has lived a life similar to your boyfriends. She thinks it’s okay to do these “drugs” And think there not even drugs at all. And yes I don’t do drugs as you too. And yes she does it too where she goes to some druggies house with her friends. And yea today she left me for that reason not leaving me in the relationship but just leaving me just to do this stupid drug! Everyday I think about it and sometimes I don’t know what to do anymore. Even today she asks what’s wrong and I tell her and she says ” You can’t do too much pot” Like it’s not that big of a deal and goes on a huge rant over how pot is not a drug and how it doesn’t hurt u at all yes that might be the case but in Texas it’s illegal and I don’t want her to be in trouble for as well of not to be so ” Life dependant” On this drug. But with this all being said it doesn’t affect of how much I love for her it’s how much I worry for her and I feel so weird being around that drug as well I’ve grown up with it all my life with my family but I’ve never done it and I took a vow saying that I would never do it. And of course the one for me does this. Like yay. And when I hung out over at this druggies house they all were doing it and I felt so out of the crowd it scared me so much and I feel so alone my mom says to break up with her but she doesn’t understand how we feel about each other and ive told her that she can change but now I really don’t know if that will be possible but I will keep going on with her I just looked up this topic for the reason of needing help and felt lonely in my shoes and I’m so happy that over found someone like me that is dealing with this same problem. Because sometimes I’ve even cried that I would be put into some horrible stuff because of it or that she will take some other drug because of it with her girlfriends. But yes our relationship is fine just that this has been the splinter in my thumb that I could never get out and it’s getting swollen each and everyday and I’m looking for answers. But my answer to you is that your not alone like a 16 year old is dealing with the same problem and also if you love someone a lot it doesn’t matter if their an ex convict or a high time crack dealer you want to spend the rest of your life with them and that’s where I sit in silence seeing my girlfriend getting high over some cursed drug but as she calls it not a drug. So as for me I let her do it but she has not gotten the hint that I really don’t like it and that I really feel depressed over it because she would rather leave me for it when we’re together. I’m sorry I’ve been texting too much but she does it for her hard life and says she feels depressed which she is but if she was and really wants it to go away I’m here for her and I feel so freaking terrible because I feel like I’m not good enough because she doesn’t talk to me to let go of that feeling instead I’m replaced with a plant and ig that’s why I feel so terrible. But thanks again I hope someone understands how I feel.
    From: gabriel

  3. Been there

    Your instincts are right so don’t ignore them.
    I just broke up with my boyfriend because I felt that he had become apathetic, unmotivated, never realizing any of his professed ambitions and leaving all the responsibilities to me. I was frustrated and weary of his parasitic behaviour and felt more like a mother than a girlfriend.
    He had quit smoking weed (of which he said he was addicted) because he said it was ruining his life – previously, he had taken countless days off of work and just stayed home in a pot haze, and spent all his money he didn’t have on weed and borrowed thousands of dollars (from me purportedly to pay rent) to pay for it not giving a crap about the people he was lying to because weed was the most important thing to him.
    When he finally quit, his whole personality changed and he was full of life and energy and his eyes sparkled.
    I am open-minded and have no problem with occasional use – I smoked some with my boyfriend to try it but could take it or leave it.
    On the other hand, since it isn’t legal yet, there is always a risk associated with that.
    After a weed-free year, my boyfriend’s personality turned strangely morose and he was, basically, a drag – no energy, no ambition, no money, just an urgency to get back to his house at the end of a night….turns out, he confessed, he was back on pot again and was smoking it frequently daily. He hated himself for it which added to his morose feelings.
    I have done everything I can to be supportive to him and to encourage him to get his shit together but his addiction is stubborn and it is more important to him than me obviously – he has worn me out from trying to accommodate him and I want a better life either as a single woman, or with a partner who is interested in participating in life instead of running from it. He also smokes a pack of cigarettes a day and when he drinks, it is a heavy consumption – all part of his addictive personality. He doesn’t seek help for his addictions. That is only a small part of the story.
    I love him because he is sweet and loving and funny and very charming.
    It hurt me a lot to break up with him but you can see there was no future for us. He is always broke and borrowing from everybody because he can’t afford his habit and this leads to lies and deceptions and it goes on and on. I pay for anytime we go out, meals, anything. He feels no sense of responsibility. Even the breakup – instead of trying to change he just hated himself more and got stoned.
    As I said, follow your instincts and quit while you’re ahead or there could be lots of “fun times” ahead.

  4. Sandra

    Unfortunately you cant change a person. You can set boundaries; what you are or are not willing to be around- but you cant change him. Boundaries are ultimately for our own well being, and have nothing to do with the other person. You said you didnt like hanging out with drunks or potheads, but you are already sacrificing that part of yourself to appease him when hes out and about. (Honestly if you dont like being around pot smoke, dont do it just to make others comfortable). If he already said pot will ALWAYS be around, and youve already highlighted what you see as a healthy home environment for yourself, then do not move forward.. you arent setting up a marriage with “conditions”. You are expressing your boundaries. Which you are already sacrificing for his comfort.. dont do this to yourself..
    id honestly have a sit down and just say: Look, i love you alot however i am not a pot smoker, and I want to live in a home that is pot free.. especially if we plan on having children. If this isnt something that you want, then i wont be able to move forward with marriage because i need to be with someone who can respect that..” Saying it like that is just telling him what you want but still gives him the ability to choose. You are just telling him where you draw the line. Honestly picture yourself in years from now and ask yourself if youd be happy in this same situation? I mean the other option is to submit and let him do what he wants and be fine with that, but in doing that you wont be happy.. be strong, and realize you dont have to give up your values for anyone. There are plenty of men out there that dont smoke weed, and would love a “good girl”. :)

  5. Stacey

    If I could write this exactly the same but replace the only recreational use with a heavier emphasis on medicinal use for anxiety. I struggle with how much I dislike weed though I have no issues with it being legal medically or recreationally and am friends with many smokers and understand how much worse alcohol can be (he barely drinks) I just don’t want it in my relationship. I’ve tried to convince him to take edibles but I know deep down it just bothers me in all forms for no real reason, I’m looking for help in understanding why I feel that way though I understand the benefits. I feel incredibly selfish knowing it helps with occasional anxiety and just asked that he shares when he has or plans to smoke, he has told me absolutely not, that’s like telling someone when you “take your pills”. Any suggestions/help?

  6. Hanna peterman

    I am in a similar situation. My boyfriend of 3 years now smokes constantly. All day everyday. It had taken over his life. He doesn’t have a job.. his only hobby is sitting at home watching TV. As ironic as it may sound, his dream is to become a police officer.. but he won’t do it because he would have to stop smoking pot. He won’t stop smoking and he had no ambitions. I’m not okay with him smoking at, but I don’t have an opinion on it. I never have and I never will. I don’t think you should have to compromise on the situation. It seems to me that he isn’t willing to compromise. You shouldn’t have to suppress your feelings.. you won’t ever truly be happy if you can’t be open with him. You may have outgrown him.. but I might be deflecting my feeling onto your situation.

  7. Stephen3k

    Honestly, you just answered all of your own questions while telling this long story.

    “I, on the other hand, have a philosophical problem with drugs in general ”
    (Sounds like you have the problem)

    “It’s not fun to me.”
    (Doesn’t have to be. He’s doing it for himself)

    “but I could not be comfortable with it in my own home.”
    (Why can’t you?)

    “I feel like the one place a person deserves to be comfortable is in his own home”
    (Yes, and because this is what he enjoys using, especially to relax. Im sure he feels the exact same way.)

    “and I just don’t accept him for the person he is. According to his perspective, I’m just looking to change him.”

    (EUREKA! Therein lies the problem. You don’t accept him, so obviously if you’re upset by him just being himself, you ARE looking to change him, starting with his behavior.)

    “According to him I have no idea what I am talking about because I have never experienced it. And in a way, he’s right. I don’t have the same points of reference as he does”

    (He is absolutely right. You have no personal experience with this substance outside of what you’ve observed based on his ‘outlandish’ (Lol) actions and how he’s spending his time. Your own subjective opinion has no basis for understanding, and I can absolutely guarantee that you haven’t done any research yourself on the subject, outside of what other ignorant people have shared with you.)

    “There are other ways to live life and I am just too closed-minded to accept this.”

    (Wow, where therein lies another one of your problems. You’re too close minded to Accept him and accept ‘this.’)

    I feel like I have made steps to give him a compromise — he doesn’t have to give it up, but it just won’t be something that will be participated in at home. My boyfriend will not step any closer to my side, however. He says that pot WILL be around and he doesn’t want to have a marriage based on conditions.

    (Sounds like you have a problem with a relatively benign substance that your boyfriend uses to relax and enjoy himself. I believe that your perception of this plant is heavily tainted with the negative opinions of the people you choose to listen to. The fact that you don’t want him to use this substance to enjoy himself, based on absolutely no real knowledge on the subject, and you refuse to see his side due to your biased programming is exactly WHY he won’t step to your “side.” It is ridiculous. This is no compromise.)

    In my opinion, I would do some research, use your “Philosophies” to dive deeper into yourself and simply ask yourself:

    “Why do I have such a problem with the substance, other than my social programming?”
    “What don’t I really like about it?”
    “Is it the smell?”
    “Is it the way he acts?”
    “Is it because we are distant now?”
    “Why do I really feel it is innapropriate?”

    And then you can begin to ask yourself if MAYBE just maybe, YOU might be the one with the problem, not him.

    So to sum it up:

    It’s not fun to you

    You can’t be comfortable with it in your own home

    You don’t accept him for who he is

    You have no basis for an opinion on the subject because you quite literally, don’t know what you’re talking about

    You even admitted that you’re too close minded to accept this. Lol.

    Also, a marriage built on “conditions” implies that neither couple trusts the other enough to allow them to just be themselves to the fullest degree. Conditions might as well be called “Restrictions.” This is another arrow pointing towards the fact that you don’t accept him, nor do you trust him enough, by placing restrictions on his behavior in some kind of sacred vow.

    Why are you even here?

    If you want really get to the root of your problem, simply ask him:
    Why do you smoke?
    Can you explain to me what it does?
    What are some things that you like about it?
    What are the positive effects?
    What are the negative effects?
    Do you feel like you need it?
    Does it change the way you think?
    Do you feel happier when you’re high?
    Do you feel sad when you’re not?
    Do you think I am uneducated on this substance?
    Would you mind educating me?

    You can then gain a more broad understanding of his side, and learn something about yourself in the process.
    That is a true compromise. At least attempting to understand his side of all of this.

    At the end of it all, you can either:
    -Accept him for who he is and what he enjoys doing
    -Keep speaking up until he understands your side better and decides to allow your restrictions on him, or opens up to you so that you can have a better understanding of his habitual use.
    -End the relationship. Obviously it’s not going to work out.

  8. Angie

    Oh my God I can SO relate to this right now I just want to cry. My spouse has always been a smoker and he lies about getting it, how he gets it and wastes money doing it when we can’t afford it. I have tried talking to him about it but he gets defensive. When he is stoned it is the biggest turn off. I do not do drugs due to my profession and I have two small children. I worry he could get caught with it and I could lose my kids. He has told me numerous times he was only going to do it once in awhile but he gets it every other day. He gets fronted, or his friends give him some for free or he flirts with his dealer. I just can’t handle this much longer. I am so unhappy

  9. What a to do

    I am also in a very similar situation. I’ve been with my partner for nearly 2 and a half years and I’ve known of his cannabis use (he vapes it) from the outset, but I’ve also warned him from the outset that his use of it could potentially be a deal-breaker.

    He managed to stop smoking for some time and then we broke up after a stressful time and an argument over his usage (he became a bit deceptive and covert about it) and when we got back together he admitted he had restated his usage several months before.

    I have a ‘history’ with cannabis which involved a relationship with a user who was only pleasant when stoned but was an aggressive unpleasant person when straight.

    I then smoked it for a while with my long term partner and became very depressed and paranoid.

    I’ve worked with drug users and been around enough people who smoke cannabis to see the effects it can have psychologically and financially ( one ex-boyfriend used to claim he never had any money but could justify £30 on cannabis as a ‘treat

    Because of this I have a strong dislike of the substance and little respect for users of it

    I too am at the stage in my relationship where we are talking about living together and knowing that my bf had told my friend he has ‘no intention of quitting’ I am worried about our shared home, as I too do not want his ‘pot mates’ in my home smoking it (especially around my teenage son who is also against drugs)

    I have contemplated letting him go as we are clearly morally different in our opinions about drugs, but I also love the man and would love a life with him, but I struggle to see how we can live together when for me, cannabis is a deal breaker.

    The hardest part to swallow is finding out his supplier is a female friend of his who also happens to be the mother of one of my son’s pals. I now have told my son I don’t want him going to his house again, and my respect for her has dissipated too.

    Makes for a conundrum and one I don’t have an answer for

  10. I get it

    It would be awful to be in a similar situation but also married with kids. Finding someone where there is mutual admiration and respect for each other is ideal. Leave now while you can before kids and find someone with shared values. Marriage is a lifelong journey.

  11. CameraGirl

    Stanton’s answer was a non-answer – even though he hit the nail on the head, he didn’t drive it in. You’ve only had a couple of years with this guy and a man like this who wouldn’t “have marriage based on conditions,” is immature to the nth degree! Say good bye before things get worse and you have a child that ends up fatherless. This sounds harsh, but it’s better than waiting. He loves his weed and won’t ever, ever give it up – not for you, or anyone. You won’t be able to keep it out of your house, that’s impossible. There is a guy out there for you, he’s just not it. Good luck.

  12. Danielle

    I read the first post and then I discovered all those comments. All of you are in my shoes as I” in yours.
    I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and he never kept from me the marijuana abuse/use.

    He used to drink A LOT and after he left for a whole night lying , getting drunk , doing cocaine etc… he had stopped drinking since I left for a week.

    I tought I could deal with the marijuana and I” still trying to convince myself that is a natural herb but I’m struggling .

    Leave him? Deal with this ? Are there any good websites I can learn from ?

    And about the POST…my story is identical .

  13. Elizabeth Orozco

    My family has always smoked weed and it never effected me. I started smoking pot from MY OWN choice like every other teenager that doesn’t have the perfect home like all you whiny girls. Me and my fiance have known each other through middle school all the way to today. We had the same kind of life but we are individual. We both went through things that a child should never experience and the weed was the only thing that protected us and did no harm. In elementary a cop brought weed to the school to show us and we held it in our hand and got to smell it. But they wouldn’t bring any other drug. A cigarette has aged my grandparents and they lost years of their lives. My family has all kinds of cancer and my mother is too scared to see if she does have it. Weed treats cancer and it take her fear away. Me and my boyfriend smoke together and it actually helped us talk and even if we don’t smoke weed were still the same. We love each other. I wouldnt tell him to quit cigarettes in front of my kids, I wouldn’t tell him he can’t drink, I wouldn’t tell him he cant play violent games in front of them. Because every person is an individual even a child. Children know who’s a good person and who isn’t regardless if they see a beer in their hand. It’s how you treat people not just what you do. If he is willing to not smoke in your face and only do with friends and family then what is so wrong. Because he didn’t listen when you said no. That’s so stupid every woman and man has had one thing they won’t change about themselves for no one. Your family can over look the fact but they can comment all they want just like you. If every deserves to be comfortable in their home why can’t we.

  14. Nancy

    I have been in a 9-year “relationship” with a weed smoker. It was about 6 months into the relationship that he disclosed this to me. I am a former police officer and was not brought up with drugs or alcohol. But he was never a “social” smoker, so I let him be. But he gets lazy ans forgetful when he smokes. he says he only takes a “hit” a few times a day, but I know where he stashed his weed and I can see the amount he goes through. So it is more than what he is indicating to me. He now sneaks out to buy his pot and tells me he is going elsewhere. I think the worst part is that he thinks I am so stupid.

    We have all our financials integrated, house, boats, 2 cars, etc. I met him after coming off a divorce where the money and assets were mine previously, but I had to give up more than half of them to the previous freeloader. That also ruined my credit. So all the new assets that me and my “smoker” have now are in his name because I had no credit.

    We had run into to financial difficulties where I was paying the bills out of the little social security I get to get by. He knew this, but he was spending money on his weed. I know he buys less than he says, too.

    But the weed I feel has affected his memory. He says things to me that hurt me immensely, then he denies saying them, And this is within a minute or so after he says them. Then we get into an all out screaming fight. Then he says that I ‘twisted” what he said so I had an excuse to fight with him.

    I never bring up the weed thing. So there are no fights about that, just fights that emulate from his actions of smoking the crap.

    If I leave, he owns everything and I will be homeless with no money. At times I have been feeling suicidal because I am so trapped. I don’t know what to do….

  15. Sharon

    This is EXACTLY what I am going through. I have been in a 3 1/2 year relationship with my boyfriend and his smoking controls my life. He smokes every day. I try to put limits on him and control him and it does not work. He will always choose the smoking over compromising. He doesn’t want to compromise and that freedom. I never had a problem with smoking until my relationship with him. It’s not a moral issue with me but I feel so uncomfortable with him and it. I especially get anxiety when he rolls. When we are in social gatherings, I’m not invited because of my anxiety. I feel left out of friendships and struggle with my anxiety towards his smoking every day and I don’t know what to do.
    My friends’ boyfriends smoke as well and no one cares so I can’t confide in them because they don’t understand me.
    When he comes home from work, I know he wants to smoke so I walk around the neighborhood, or take the longest showers ever.
    We get into the WORST fights of yelling and talking down to each other. Some times I can’t control me anxiety about it and take it out on him and it’s horrible. I don’t know what to do
    If anyone wants to talk about this, I would LOVE that

  16. Dewayne

    I don’t have a comment on people’s personal lives but from an addiction standpoint it is impossible to be physically addicted to marijuana. In a world that sells cigarettes and booze which are very bad for you on every street corner gas station and grocery store in America and we have legalized drug dealers we call doctors pushing antidepressants painkillers and all sorts of drugs on us marijuana seems to be a sane choice. Just one man’s voice. Total advocate also.

  17. Elephantinroom

    I am engaged and my fiancee smoke weed periodically. We have been apart for over 40 years and he still spoke periodically. Friends and some family will drop by periodically and spoke to. I have shared my concerns since t is not legal in our area. He smokes cigarettes too and I have shared concerns as well. I know I can’t change him. I am concerned with the affects on my life ( second hand smoke and charges if caught even if I don’t smoke). He is trying to stop smoking cigarettes and don’t smoke as much. I try to remove myself as much as possible from the second hand smoke. I am going to advise him he will need to use and keep his weed outside of our home until he
    decides to quit or whatever. Is this a fair compromise?

  18. Lacey

    Wow this hits close to home for an my boyfriend been together a year. When we first got together I didn’t know he smoked. But later on into it found out he smoked when he was with his friends. I told him I didn’t like it an didn’t want someone that did it around my kids. It’s the way I was raised no drugs. So he done good stopped for a few months now I found out hes started again when he’s with his friends even though he knows I hate it and was disappointed in him. I don’t what to do I love him and talked about life together but I just dont know if I can deal with it.

  19. kell

    hi my bf whom ive been with for 16months is addicted hes been smoking since he was 14yrs ol he is now 34, he gets moody an yells when he has no choof always argue evan giving him a beautiful baby boy wont change his mind to quitting can someone help i dont want to lose this relationship i love him and want to help him

  20. Elisa

    I’m living the same thing Tawny I feel so controlling but we are from two different worlds. When I met him he would do it every night before bed and weekends twice a day. He told me originally it was once in a while we clearly had different definitions on once and a while. When we started getting serious I said that I couldn’t live with that. I had never done it, i was recently divorced with two kids and I got married young. I never lived my teens like the average I think. I’m a true good girl… i feel that I’m so judgemental it drives me crazy but I just don’t understand it. We agreed on twice a month and never with my kids!! My kids leave for their dads every weekend. He was respecting our agreement but everytime I felt angry inside I didn’t like seeing him stoned it turned me off! So I decided to try it to see if I understood better . I got sick .. I tried again and I felt ok. I didn’t love the feeling but more of the time I spent with him I felt less judgmental and less anal about how things are supposed to be . I was raised drugs alcohol bad and I still think that but I don’t know why?? What is the difference from cigarettes or drinking wine to relax. I’m still on the fence I’ve done it with him a few times after that. He’s told me than when we would have kids he would stop. I’m now 10 weeks pregnant i found out when I was 4 weeks pregnant and he has not smoked since. But I get anxious about it. I know if he wasn’t with me he would be doing it. When we go on his side family or friends there is some but he doesn’t but I feel horrible when he says no. I wonder if inside he resents me? Or if just doesn’t mind? Does he miss it? Am I just being controlling! I hate it I wish it didn’t existe!!! I have to say my boyfriend is an amazing man he tells me I’m pretty everyday he helps me with chores. My kids want to call him dad he is so involved with them like his own! We’ve been together 2 years and now I’m pregnant. Am I being too controlling!? Should I let him should I ignore it? Would he fou it behind my back? I get anxious about this. Would I feel different if it was legal? I wouldn’t like him to smoke cigarettes either and I get upset if he drinks more than three beers in a night. I don’t like when it hinders the person it changes them. I’m 29 he’s 28 out party days of drinking I feel is what you do when you were young now grow up?!

  21. Kiyomi


    Your story is very similar to mine. I have decided to breakup with my boyfriend of 2 years. I knew he smokes pot from the beginning of the relationship, however I thought he’s just socially smoking here and there. We moved in together a year ago, and I came to realization that he smokes everyday and he smokes the mj concentrate, he vapes while driving . He won’t contribute to financial liabilities , however, he would spend 10k on his bangs . He also deals it. Everytime we fight over this issue, he gets more and more distant from me. The only thing kept us together was that I was actually addicted to this twisted relationship and wanted to fix it. It is the co dependency. I have to quit this relationship cold turkey and find my own happiness back. The addicts will always choose their addiction over their relationships.

  22. Jane

    Maybe I should leave my boyfriend. He said he would do what he wanted, but if we get serious it will just be the same situation. He wont want to be told what to do and I’ll leave. This is about weed and other drugs by the way. It’s totally against everything I know and I simply cannot cope with it.

  23. John

    Dear Ariel,

    I feel your pain and frustration. Your story sounds identical to mine. When my girlfriend first told me about her marijuana use, I thought I could deal with it and I did to some extent but when she started smoking it in her home when I visited it made me feel very uncomfortable. As time went on and we talked about moving in together she removed it from her home and really decreased her usage.

    We like you have discussed marriage and are now living together. Since moving in with each other her smoking habits are very rare which is nice but my outlook on marriage has changed. We still have heated discussions about her usage and with Canada about to legalize pot, I’m not sure where that will leave us.


  24. Karin

    Dear Stanton, I myself have a similar situation. A relationship of 1.5 years living together that ended because where pot use I was a significant issue. There were other stresses as well, I myself suffer from a lack trust due to an old history of alcohol/drug that took place in my younger life and he has major defenses because of failed marraiges and relationships. He has children and I never married or had children. We are both musicians and very connected. We have both been through a lot of hurt but weren’t able to work with one another. Towards the end he was angry and pulled away, not even the same person. He was smoking throughout the day. I tried it with him to demystify it all but in heart I know it’s not how I want to feel. I know it isn’t authentic and although I appreciate its relaxing effects, trust with someone has to be more important. The relationship has to be cared for. So we seperated. It was terrible. I gave my all and he seemed to carry on just fine. Over the past 3 months I worked on myself as an independent artist and my own person. I was around pot on my own and did smoke it occasionally. Why? Because I quit alcohol over a decade ago and weed is everywhere I turn. Maybe I am lacking in strength. Maybe I just want to throw in the towel. We have talked recently. Even visited and reunited. The love is there but so is the weed. I have a therapist. I dont want to hurt myself in this. He says he has learned a lot and has missed me and always wanted it to work out. He knows I dont want to be around weed on a daily basis and says he is willing to try limiting it and keeping it recreational and with control. He says he lost it with what was happening to us but doesnt smoke like that anymore. He is a functional daily user and has been all his life. He uses it to treat anxiety. He has tried prescription drugs but they dont work. We had been engaged. Now he and I are talking about a future with each other again. I love him more than I ever have but scared to death all of it will go down the same path. He used to leave if we fought and I wouldnt hear from him for hours. If I got him on the phone I could tell he was stoned and didnt really want to deal with me. That was the past….I have changed but not at my core. I It would take something of a miracle for me to not be threatened by his weed use. As I am in the midst of seeing him as of late this article helped. The difference is that my guy is now seeing my importance because he lost it. He is saying he wants to be by my side and do what it takes. But is this realistic? I have doubt and it already has brought up concern. I dont want to get hurt by this person again.

  25. CW

    I would really like to know how this panned out. I am having the same issue with my long-term boyfriend, and I don’t know what to do. I just wish there was a simple way to handle things, but there never is. I love him so much, but I can’t stand the thought of pot being in my (or our- possible future) house. Maybe if it was legal in this state, I would feel differently.

  26. Kayte

    Ariel. Well written indeed. I am in the exact same kind of relationship. My bf of 2 and a half years also smokes most days and i cannot stand it. I told him earlier today that its affecting our relationship. I feel it is the reason he wont move out of mums place (hes 37) and move in with me. Cos he knows i dont wanna see it. I see him sneeking around my backyard when im in the toilet or shower quickly having a puff. The reason he wont socialise, move out/in with me, the decision making process behind every single thing. We see eachother on a schedule of his Wednesday night Nd sat night.. if im busy or need to change it to thursday instead he freaks out cos its change. It is very frustrating. Sex life has also died out. I really dont want it for my future (if there even is one with him) . I can imagine what it would be like living with him. He also smokes with the brothers and mates and made a comment like am i suppose to tell me bros no my mrs wont let me. Well no but surely he can see that its affecting us but has made it clear it wont change. So im leaving. I need to finally be selfish and think about myself and my future. Im 33 not getting younger and want kids.

  27. Karley

    Wow. Such an well written piece. I’m in the same boat. Bf smokes, I dont. He used to wake and bake all day. I never felt like I had a say in what he did, and knew it was something that if we were going to be in a relationship, wouldn’t stop. We went to Europe for a month where he couldn’t snoke. Also, when we got back he needed to find a job and we started semester at a university. First semester he didn’t go to school, now he does. I realize that now he has a job, he isn’t worried about not smoking. This is the first weekend he’s had weed in a loooong time. I’m worried hell get into the habit of wake and bake all day and it will affect his job, his education and our relationship. He says he wants to treat it like drinking, only on evenings and weekends, but I’m weary of that. His brothers, like your boyfriends, also introduced him to weed. We’re a little young into the relationship to be getting married. I live at his place so I don’t feel like it’s my place to say he should not wake and bake or do what he wants at his place, but I have the same feelings when it comes to getting a place together that isn’t just his. I don’t want weed in the house and especially around kids if we have any. I know he isn’t going to quit and I feel it’s acceptable in social situations at others places too ir other people houses or parties. I wish there was more insight from what exactly to do but I guess I’ll have to let this play out and see if he treats it like alcohol on weekends or if he’ll get back into the wake and bake mode. Anywayd, glad to see im not alone. Thanks.

  28. Girlfriend

    Hi I am a 49 year old woman from a set of hippy parents and when mom and I met step-dad we entered into much of the same situation you looking at.
    Professional, smart as all get out, responsible to a fault (in some ways)… I hope to impress upon you that there was a separation, a divide, that grew in our family from that point forward when mom moved into a “I’m over that phase now” and stepdad remained a daily pot smoker. I have 2 younger sisters who grew up with it all around. It affected us all differently, but after 40 years of marriage, my mom has been forced to put her foot down and leave because the long term effects of that type of substance are quite different than short term. The smoke is a divisive addiction and I am in a relationship with a smoker now too. I am feeling ALL of the same things you described about the one who doesn’t partake. I can assure you I was not always Polly Anna and I know how it feels to partake it still feels the same as you described now that I am on a different “buzz”. (We call it the “natch” meaning natural)… I so hope you follow what you know you need and don’t compromise too much. ☮💖🌞

  29. Tawny

    Dear Ariel,

    Reading your story has put a perspective on my own situation.
    My boyfriend uses and when we initially got together he smoked daily, when we moved in together I said things had to change and he had to cut down because it wasn’t going to become a part of my daily life as well.
    He stuck to this and he cut down and only smoked on a Friday night and would go to his friends house, recently I have said to him that before we buy a house and have children I would like him to quit and he has abstained from smoking now since 23/12/2015 which for him is an achievement, and I am proud of him for this.
    This weekend we had a row though, as he feels that if he were to smoke once a month this shouldn’t be a problem as he wouldn’t be doing it around me and it wouldn’t be in the house. I firmly said no and reminded him of the promise he made to quit. I now feel like I am being too harsh, he has shown me how much I mean to him and our relationship and I now feel I am trying to control this aspect of his life, which was never my intention.
    I respect that you compromised with your partner and were okay with him doing it around his friends/brothers etc. I think you are completely within your right to say that when you get a house together you want for it to be a smoke free zone as it is not just his space anymore and as much as you give him respect and are okay with him smoking with others, he needs to show you the same level of respect by accepting that it is a fair comment to not have it smoked in or around the family home.
    I understand that it takes a lot of time to get through to your partner about their habits and being able to come to an agreement as I have been having the same trouble.
    I know I haven’t helped much, but I think you have helped me in my situation and that I am being a little too controlling and demanding by asking him to stop completely, as it is something he was open about with me right from the start and I knew what I was getting myself into. He asked for a compromise of once a month being able to smoke with his pals an I think that is a fair deal.
    Again sorry I haven’t really helped much in your situation, but I want to thank you for helping me in mine.


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