Can I compromise with a marijuana smoker I love?

Dear Stanton,

I am at the end of a two-and-a-half year relationship that is ending because of the marijuana habits of my boyfriend. He does it. I don’t. He has never lied about the fact that he smokes pot, nor does he do it “behind my back”. But it has simply never been a part of the relationship that the two of us have been cultivating; that is, the drug does not play a role in our day-to-day lives at all. The only times I’ve been with him when he smokes are at infrequent parties with his group of friends. He does, however, smoke it when people come to visit him at home and I’m not around, when he hangs out with a buddy or occasionally by himself.

This is a substance that has been integral in his life since he was a young teenager (his older brother got him started)and is something that he and his friends have done together for many years (he is 33). He describes it as something “ceremonial” and something that connects him to his friends and brothers. From a ethical or moral standpoint, he sees nothing wrong with the drug because to him it is just like coming home from work and drinking a beer — it relaxes you and is enjoyable.

I, on the other hand, have a philosophical problem with drugs in general — I don’t believe in that sort of escapist mentality. I feel very uncomfortable in situations where joints are being passed around and everyone is high. People act very differently when they are under the influence and I guess I’d rather being around the “real” people. (Although a marijuana smoker would probably argue that people seem more “real” when
you are all partaking of the herb.) It’s the same reason I do not choose to hang around a group of people who’s main source of entertainment is getting wasted-drunk on Friday nights. It’s not fun to me.

Anyway, the relationship between my boyfriend and me had progressed to the point where we began discussing marriage. And needless to say, the marijuana issue has become a real sticking point. At first, I was adament that he had to quit altogether, but he made it very clear that this was not an option for him. So I did some thinking and came to the conclusion that I could repress my natural “flight or fight” response in certain situations where it was present. For example, if the two of us were to go to a New Year’s Eve party, I would not make a big deal about him smoking with his friends and just suck it up and deal with it. If he went on the annual After-Christmas-Hunting-Trip with “the guys”, I would not obsess about the fact that he was getting high out in the woods somewhere. But I had to draw the line regarding marajuana in our future home (we do not currently live together). I’ve told him that I would learn to deal with his smoking when we are in situations like parties at other people’s houses, or when we would go and stay with his brothers; but I could not be comfortable with it in my own home.

I feel like the one place a person deserves to be comfortable is in his own home. I don’t want to come home from the grocery store to a high husband. I don’t want to spend my time watching him get stoned. I don’t want to be relegated to the living room to watch the kids while my husband and “Uncle Jim” step out to the back porch to light one up. I don’t want to worry about my children finding a bag of weed when they dig through Daddy’s filing cabinet. Being on the fringe of this activity makes me feel like a total outsider and very lonley because it’s like the person I love leaves me for a while and is replaced by someone I don’t know. Meanwhile I’m stuck sitting on the couch waiting for him to come back down to earth. His argument is, or course, that he is fundamentally the same person — high or not high— and I just don’t accept him for the person he is. According to his perspective, I’m just looking to change him.

My boyfriend and I were raised in totally different environments and, while he was having these pschodelic experiences with his brothers and friends, I was being fed (in his words) anti-drug propaganda and occupied myself being the “good girl”. According to him I have no idea what I am talking about because I have never experienced it. And in a way, he’s right. I don’t have the same points of reference as he does. I will never understand how it feels to be high on pot because I will never do it. I don’t feel like I need to. All I know is how I feel when I’m around it now and how I feel when I try to think about a future life where it is something that occurs around me on a fairly regular basis. I want to feel safe and free in my own home. I don’t want to have this constraint of worry. And whether its ridiculous (which my boyfriend thinks), or not, its how I feel.

My boyfriend argues that I just don’t trust him. Since it’s not something he does when it’s just the two of us hanging out now, he’s probably not going to start smoking it when it’s just the two of us when we’re married. I should trust him that he’s not going to whip out a big joint in front of the kids. I should trust that he would only smoke “when appropriate”. But his definition of appropriate differs from mine. He has friends who go and get high in the garage while their kids are in the house playing. To him, this is appropriate since the kids have no idea what is going on. He also has friends who have a young baby and just smoke right in front of it. This is “appropriate” because the baby is too young to know what is going on. I feel like any environment with illegal, mind-altering drugs in it is not appropriate for children. Period. To him, this opinion is just my ” Polyanna” syndrome showing itself again. There are other ways to live life and I am just too closed-minded to accept this.

His friends and brothers smoke it far more often than my boyfriend does — some of them on a daily basis. I think it is potentially embarassing for him to think about having to tell his friends that they can’t smoke pot when they come to visit. And I think that it is even more mortifying to my boyfriend that he would have to tell this to his brothers. This is what they do when they are together. He says that it would be very uncomfortable for his older brother to even come to visit if he couldn’t partake. And to ” force” his brother to take his drugs elsewhere to smoke where he would run a greater risk of being caught (because apparently it’s impossible for him to go a few days without it) would be unthinkable. I maintain that people are generally willing (and happy) to abide by “house rules” when they visit other people. It may not be the way you run your life, but, hey, it’s someone else’s house and you have to respect that. My boyfriend feels that no one will want to visit if they no his house is a no-pot zone.

I feel like I have made steps to give him a compromise — he doesn’t have to give it up, but it just won’t be something that will be participated in at home. My boyfriend will not step any closer to my side, however. He says that pot WILL be around and he doesn’t want to have a marriage based on conditions. I can see his point of view — nobody likes to be told what to do—but I also feel that this is a situation where guidelines need to be established.

Sincerely,
Ariel


Dear Ariel:

Gosh, this is a fascinating story. If you cut out the first sentence, you would never guess the conclusion as it went along. I have mixed feelings about your tale.

First, let me say, it is extremely well-written.

Second, I believe you are right in your decision.

Third, it is such a relief to read a letter from a woman — unlike a woman whose boy friend or husband is ruining her life with their substance abuse — who resolves her course of action on her own, without asking someone to else to tell her what to do.

But, I regret that your story could not be used by the Partnership for a Drug Free America, because it is actually a story about something more complex than that, captured in your sentence: “My boyfriend will not step any closer to my side, however. “ Noble, perhaps, but self-destructive, it would seem. Your situation is a bit dicier than those of the women I cite, in that your boyfriend is not ostensibly a substance abuser, except that to ruin an intimate relationship due to substance use is a sign of a drug problem.

Stanton

Have you been affected by the issues described in this story?

Many of us have been told that addiction is a chronic disease that cannot be cured. We don’t. We believe that addiction is a compelling, destructive involvement that, because it detracts from other areas of people’s lives, forces them to rely with greater exclusivity on the addictive experience they get from the involvement, whether with drugs or anything else:

Stanton Peele

Stanton Peele , recognized as one of the world's leading addiction experts by The Fix, developed the Life Process Program after decades of research, writing, and treatment about and for people with addictions. Dr. Peele is the author of 14 books. His work has been published in leading professional journals and popular publications around the globe.

Comments

  • Jess says:

    I’m glad to know that I’m not alone.
    When I first met my fiance, I made it clear to him about my deal breakers even before we started dating because it was very important for me to find someone who meets my standards. I told him that I would never date someone who smokes weed, does any kind of drugs, or smokes cigarettes. He used to smoke a lot of weed when he was younger but he quit doing it 2-3 years before he met me. He never promised me that he’s never going to smoke again but he made it sound like he was ok with the idea of never smoking again. Thus, I started dating him despite the fact that he used to smoke in the past.
    We’ve been together for over 3 years and have been engaged for a few months. He fessed up recently that he started smoking weed again 3-4 weeks ago because he was dealing with a very difficult time in his life. He told me that he’ll continue smoking it and has no intention of quitting even if that means I’ll leave him. He said I should accept him for who he is instead of trying to change him.
    I feel very betrayed, hurt, and sad…because he’s always known that this is an absolute deal breaker to me. I’ve never done any kinds of drugs, including weed, and I never want to try it. If I knew that he’d go back to smoking, I wouldn’t have even gone out with him in the first place.
    I love him very much. I’ve never loved someone so hard…never worked so hard to work things out in a relationship before. I do believe that everyone should be able to be who they truly are while in a relationship. I do believe that we should accept each other for who he/she is. However, I also believe that you should never have to settle for less or lower your standards to be with someone. I believe that everyone should be aware or and respect their partner’s deal breakers. He should have never asked me out if this was going to be a problem.
    I’ve already let go of some of my other deal breakers (him using foul language all the time, his lack of being considerate in public area aka throwing trash anywhere or peeing anywhere in public even if he had an option to use a nearby bathroom, etc) and have learned to embrace these things about him because I love him so much…because there are more things about him that I love than things that bother me.
    I tried to tell him my thoughts but he doesn’t want to hear it. I told him that he needs to figure out what’s more important in his life and choose between weed and having me in his life. He couldn’t choose one but keeps insisting that he’s not quitting. So I told him that I’ll have to do my life without him if he chooses to continue smoking. I’m giving him one week to re-think and hopefully make a decision that he won’t regret. If he’s happy smoking weed even though that means he’ll lose me, I’ll be broken-hearted but I’ll be ok knowing that he chose what makes him happy.
    If he still chooses to smoke after a week, I’ll have to just accept the reality, suck it up, and move on. I love him very much but don’t want to be with someone who keeps causing me to lower my standards in a man. I definitely don’t want to be with someone who says he loves me so much but is still choosing weed over me. He keeps telling me that he’s not choosing anything over me…that I’m the one that’s choosing to leave him. But come on…I was upfront about my deal breakers even before we started dating.

  • Keshia says:

    I can totally relate to all of these comments. I met my now fiancé almost 3 years ago and I knew he smoked marijuana but didn’t realize how serious it was until I got pregnant and moved in with him. When he would be running low on his supply his personality would change, like when I would call him at work he would sound depressed and I would have to force conversation which would frustrate me and cause arguments. But as soon as he gets more weed and smokes he’s back to normal. I put stipulation on the marijuana use when we had the baby but like every substance abuser he sort of changed his use then when I was a little lax he gradually started using more and more. The earlier part of this year he had a heart attack and then stopped all together. But some how he started smoking black and milds and once I got on him about those then he started smoking the e cig and got back on marijuana. He is vaping marijuana oil and smoking the e cig. It’s so frustrating because I tell him I don’t want him hitting his marijuana vape while drivinv our kids and gets mad. I don’t know how much I can take. If it were legal in our state and he had a prescription then that would be a little different, but he doesn’t. I’m tired of feeling like a nag and also tired of him getting mad when I try to get him to stop or choose a different time to do it. I don’t have an addictive personality so I don’t know what it’s like.

  • Andrea says:

    Would you be ok with him reducing his consumption, let’s say to more special occasions like parties, concerts, weekends? Would he be ok with that? Both are in opposite ends of the spectrum, … so, could you both meet in the middle? (Btw I’m in a similar situation). However, it seems like if you marry him, weed will always be around on some level. Even when you have kids… it’s time to have that discussion now and figure it out before it’s too late…. save yourselves some trouble and resentfulness …

  • Michael says:

    I don’t know wether I’m posting this onto this discussion but If it doesn’t please someone post it. I’m michael and I’m in high school fresh out of 9th grade and just now starting 10th grade over the summer I’ve had a discussion with my girlfriend over weed during this I was very heated and I was angry because I didn’t want her to do it but then she came along saying that I can’t get everything I want in life and that I’ll have to accept that’s shes doing it. So later that night I accept that I couldn’t change the fact that she was gonna do it but deeper inside me I was hearing a voice to change what I said and to tell her no but that didn’t happen. Fast forward a month before school starts we’re out at the beach and I just ask her if she’s smoked weed again she was hesitant to respond but I persisted her with the question which she then said yes. I was completely baffled and sad or this but I couldn’t let out my feelings because friends were with us too. I was a boy growing up that all drugs are bad and should never be used and I still go through with that. Whenever I get the idea of doing so my mind and heart jsut completely wild and I can’t do anything for a minute. So then I told her that I didn’t want her to smoke it again and this time she said okay and to trust her this time that she wasn’t gonna do it. I trust her but from time to time I get the idea of her doing it again and I start to panic and then today I saw she wanted to get edibles which leads to me writing this at this time. I don’t know what to do I’ve brought up weed like 3-4 times and I feel like she’s getting annoyed of it. When I said I didn’t want her to use weed I didn’t just mean by smoking it I meant completely getting rid of it but I don’t think she got that. I need help on her to understand that so please someone help me out.

  • Alias says:

    One of my girlfriend’s friend smokes it occasionally. I was going to a soccer game the day that the friend was gonna go smoke it, and my girl promised me she wouldn’t do it. I go to the soccer game and after she calls me, and tells me that she smoked it. My dad is addicted to it, it ruined my mom’s life, and my step dad sells it. With the bad mentality I had of this drug, I bursted into tears once I found out my girl smoked it. Once the bus came back to the school, i ran up to her and just broke down. I felt so weak and heart broken. She felt really bad about hurting me like that, especially since we both promised not to smoke it the day before. I kept crying myself to sleep, contemplating suicide, and just losing my drive to keep living. I soon started to get a little bit better, but a month later she smoked it with her sister on memorial day. When she told me, I felt the same pain and broke down. I got mad and extremely depressed. She vowed to never do it again but at this point my trust for her, regarding weed, just has been lost. I started to forget about it but when summer began, my friend showed me a video of her smoking it the first time. I’ve never seen it so once I did, all the pain came back but extremely worse. I couldn’t stop crying for days, and I contemplated suicide more than i have ever in my life. I didn’t wanna talk to her about it, bc she feels bad and hates herself bc of how much pain this situation has brought me. I was gonna hang myself with a belt at home a couple days after seeing that video, but I decided to call the suicide hotline. I changed up some words so the police wouldn’t be called, and they sorta helped me out. I was feeling a bit better and I tried telling my closest friends how I was feeling. Soon, the school year starts and my girl found out how I was feeling about her smoking it behind my back those two times. She got mad at me and just wanted me to leave it in the past and forget about it. I’m trying to forget about it, but little things throughout the day remind me of it frequently. Since this hurt me extremely bad, I remember the slightest detail from both times she smoked it. From the class she had the first time she smoked it, to what beach she was at with her sister the second time she smoked it. I’ve been trying really hard, and looking for God for guidance but nothing is helping. I know I need help before I end up hurting myself, but I’m afraid to talk to an adult about my situation. My girlfriend doesn’t want me speaking about the situation to anyone, not even her. I asked if I can tell her about my feelings so I can get closer to forgetting about it, but she said she didn’t want that. It’s been about 6 months since the 1st time she smoked it, but the image of her doing it is engraved into my mind. Idk what to do before I end up hurting myself. I want to live but this has been driving me crazy, especially since she wants me to keep everyone bottled up. I almost ended up smoking it bc I thought that would help me feel better, but I chose not to bc I don’t want it to make me feel worse. Sometimes I ask myself of she even cares for me bc she chose to go behind my back and hurt me like that. Not once but twice. I blame myself for it bc I went to a soccer game rather than being there for her. Ik I need help, but idk what will work. I feel your pain.

  • Clare says:

    Hi everybody my name is clare i live in the uk its 1.05am and I’m currently sat in my bed unable to sleep.
    I have been with my patner for a very long time we are both 26 and have 4 children over the last year weed has been a major issue my patner quit for a good while but then he made new friends and started again we don’t live together due to me not being able to accept him doing it i can’t understand why he thinks it’s so important or why he can’t go without it. It’s driving me to breaking point i love him with all i have I’m always here when he needs somebody but i find it hard to enjoy any family time as he will sit and say he needs to go for one. I don’t like being around him when he is high he has no issues he sees it as the norm but i see it differently.
    Why do you need to get high to feel happy?
    Why isn’t our family able to make you feel so good?

    I don’t understand at all try to speak about it but it just ends in an argument saying i can’t accept him as he is but this isn’t what he was like when we met in high school i want a better path for us especially our children.

    I suppose I’m just asking for some guidance anything i feel so lonley

    Thank you

  • rose says:

    i’m here because my girlfriend has started smoking. this is only the second time, but i’m terrified.
    i’m scared of her getting addicted. i’m terrified. and i don’t know what to do.
    because she lives in a pretty strict household- and she feels so limited. it’s really bad. so i don’t want to be the one to restrict her even more.
    we’ve discussed it and we’ve “agreed to disagree”- but it still scares the shit out of me. i just want her to be okay. that is all i want.
    i want her to be healthy and happy.
    i don’t know how to cope with this.

  • Bryanna says:

    I am in the same situation as some of these comments. i just finished reading basically every comment and i figured i could share my story. i fell in love with one of my closest friends in high school and middle school during senior year. we have the greatest connection, every time i’m with him it’s a blast. we’ve been together a year and a half and every time he touches me i still feel that spark. i love him with my entire body and he loves me the same. he’s been here for so much including surgery and my panic attacks. our downfall is that he is someone who’s had been smoking weed for almost all of high school, i knew this in the beginning. i made it clear before the relationship started before we were anywhere serious, just talking, that drugs in my relationship is not something i’m uncomfortable with. he lied to me and told me he stopped smoking a couple months ago (he was smoking up until the day before we started dating), i had no reason to not believe him so i did. i was overjoyed. we started the relationship and everything was great. about a couple months in, he started getting rides to school from his friends, his pot friends. this made me extremely uncomfortable and sometimes he would come to school reeked in weed smell. it was so clear that he smoked with them cause he would just look high but he lied to me consistently. i asked to drug test him and better yet it can back positive, he confessed that he “accidentally” ate a weed cookie. i chose to forgive him this time because it was our first hiccup. so he was clean for a few months, but over summer i found out when told me he was going for s run he was actually smoking with his best friend. big fight broke out we were on the verge of breaking up but i realized i wasn’t ready to give up so i gave it another shot. we were great for a while, then i had to leave for college. this put a big strain on our relationship, and i could tell the stress of us being apart was pushing him to smoke. we fought a lot while i was gone and the one day he decided to smoke and told me. the way he told was like an ambush, so i ended the relationship. like later that day he started begging, he realized his mistake he was so sorry he was begging me to come back. i got very wasted that night and had a huge panic attack, then when i went to his house to talk i had another. our situation brought me so much panic i couldn’t handle it but him as a person was someone i love so much and love to be around. the person he is around me it’s not a person i imagine to me doing drugs. a month later we got back together to try again. it was tough for a while, but we finally got to a good place. he was clean for months (there was a hiccup where he lied to me about driving home a coworker girl who i have a bad history with). summer came and i was about to go through surgery, a surgery that would make dependent for at least 3 months, i fought him a lot before the surgery out of fear. it was fine in the beginning, now i found out a week ago he lied to me yet again about smoking and i ended the relationship, except not really. my parents work and i can’t drive with this surgery so i depend on him to take where i need to go, so with this i fall in love with him over and over again. i know i can’t be with him because reading this all made it clear even if i were to make a compromise for like smoking twice a month it would spiral out of control and his addiction would grow (he knows he has an addiction he can’t officially quit). his family hates his smoking and they’ve made that clear, but the only one who was really able to help him stop is me. his family was so grateful for that. i showed him that there’s no future with drugs, they make you lazy and hard to have a bright future as i plan to. my father is a doctor so i grew up completely anti drugs with high ambitions. i can’t live in a home with smoke or drugs. it clear he loves me so much and i really can’t let him go, i keep letting myself get closer to him even broken up. what do i do?

  • Pippa says:

    These stories have really helped me to feel like I’m not alone on this issue.
    To start, my boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year. He started smoking right before we started dating. We had been friends for over a year before we started dating and I was so happy when he asked me out. Fast forward a year and hes just now admitting after numerous arguements that he does infact have an addiction. When he first started smoking it was just every now and then with friends. Fast forward a month and he was smoking up to five times a week. I quickly became very uncomfortable knowing half the time we talked over the phone he was high. I put my foot down and told him he had to cut down and he agreed. A few months later I moved to a new city and we were now long distance. Behind my back he began smoking every day, I didn’t learn about this until months later. Eventually he goes back down to a few times a week, which I thought he was doing the entire time. However while in this new city my anxiety got really bad and because of past problems I’ve had with substance use I expressed to him that his weed use was exacerbating my anxiety. He said that if I wanted him to stop he would so I asked him to. A month later I come he for holiday and while with a group of friends he steps out to light one up, I was sick to my stomach. He asked me first in front of everyone if I was okay with this, not wanting to make a scene I said okay. The next day he knows I’m upset so we have a talk. He explains that not long after I asked him to quit he started smoking again and he felt so horrible about it that he couldn’t tell me and instead let me figure it out on my own. At this point we had been together for 6 months so I forgave him and we moved on with the agreement that he would tell me when he does it and cut back to 3 times a week, I was hesitant to let him do it that often but I just wanted things to work. Back in the city about 3 months later my anxiety started acting up again and again he offered to quit to help lessen that, so he did. Then I find out months later that he never quit and basically just said that to make me feel better. Yet again I found out, he didn’t tell me. Now in the present he’s lied to me about smoking around 7 times and I don’t know what to do. I love him more than anything in the world but I feel like at some point I have to put my foot down and get the respect I deserve. hes trying to quit now but over the course of a “month” long break has only managed 12 days without doing it. Plus he’s supposed to be going to visit a cousin soon who I know does all kinds of drugs and I’m not very excited for what that will entail. I don’t want to break up with him but because of his addiction his sex drive is non-existent, his memory sucks, and he’s tired all the time. He has on multiple occasions slept through or completely forgotten about dates not to mention he’ll forget we have plans and instead go smoke with friends which makes me feel like he chooses the bud over me. To make things fair I’ve tried it a few time with him but don’t care for it and feel it could really mess with my substance abuse problems. What bothers me most if I’ve never just outright asked him to quit, he’s always offered first, so I feel like any promise he makes to me has no substance. I feel like my patience and trust are at an all time low with him.

  • Anonymous says:

    My boyfriend and I have been together 9 months and have been discussing moving in together. He recently dropped the bomb that he would like to start smoking weed if it becomes legalized in our state. I don’t drink or do drugs because I also have an issue with the escapist mentality.

    He drinks socially (maybe 1 or 2 nights a month) and has expressed to me that he doesn’t really enjoy it. He’s very easily influenced by his friends and I’m afraid he’s only going to smoke weed because he’s been feeling left out lately. He’s claiming it would be an occasional thing that he would do for fun but has also stated that he thinks it will help with his depression.

    I told him it would bother me a lot if he did it but I would be ok if it wasn’t around me; I don’t want to see him when he’s high, I don’t want to smell it on him, and I don’t want it smoked at our place of residence if we did decide to live together. He basically told me that my opinion is stupid and he won’t not do it around me just because I feel that way. (Also, if this is supposed to be an “occasional” thing, I don’t understand why it would be that difficult to keep it away from me.)

    It’s nice to know I’m not the only person in this situation. Every time I ask someone for advice about it, they tell me I’m overreacting and “it’s just weed.” I know my boyfriend’s personality and can see him easily becoming addicted or reliant on it. He won’t listen to any of the negative side effects and is only focusing on the few studies that are saying it’s harmless.

    I’m very stubborn when it comes to my beliefs and won’t be able to compromise any more on this. If it was up to me, he wouldn’t be allowed to smoke at all. I believe he’s better than drugs and should find more productive ways to deal with his problems. But he won’t agree to keeping me away from it and it’s breaking my heart.

  • Rebecca says:

    I understand how everyone feels, my fiancé smokes weed everyday about 5 times a day and I can put up with it to an extent but we just came on vacation to visit his family and he’s been smoking it every 30 min to an hour because he’s on vacation Iv hardly been able to see him, he tells me to just get over it and if I can’t he doesn’t want to deal with my complaining and wants me to stay with my mom for a week he doesn’t understand how it makes me feel Iv tried it a few times when I didn’t want to and it did nothing for me, he’s always outside smoking with someone or going to someone’s house to smoke it and sometimes I feel completely abandononed and that he doesn’t want to spend time with me anymore I love him with all my heart but it’s not fair that I have to agree with it or he doesn’t want me around other then that he’s an amazing guy I just wish he didn’t smoke at all it’s causing fighting and hurting our relationship and I don’t know what to do because I don’t think he’s ever going to quit or even just slow it down, I tell him I will try to get over it but it’s really hard to do that, he says if I smoked it he wouldn’t need to smoke with anyone else just me but I don’t know what to believe I have nothing against weed I just don’t think smoking is the good way to do it

  • Hannah says:

    It feels good that I am not alone with this issue. I met my boyfriend in college 9 months ago. It was love at first sight. I used weed every once in a while at parties, but ended up stopping because I had a HUGE panic attack after using it.

    My boyfriend, however, is from a state where weed is legalized and it is normal for him. He can’t hang out with his best friend without smoking. His mom does it too. It makes me feel alone on the issue because his whole family approves of it, and I don’t.

    I was totally ok with it at the beginning of our relationship because he didn’t use that much around me, and I thought he only did it at parties.

    However, about 2 months into our relationship he started staying with me at my apartment. I would come home from a long night of work and my apartment would smell like weed. It would make me SO upset. He was doing it every night to “help him sleep” even though it made me uncomfortable and I felt like I couldn’t have a conversation with him because he was stoned at night. I didn’t like it but I didn’t want to be controlling.

    Now, we are both home for the summer and it is clear he is using regularly. He came to visit me after a month of being away and I found out he had brought his little pen with weed in it. It makes me sad that he feels like he has to use it around me even though I don’t do it, nor like being around it. I understand using weed recreationally or every now and then, but every night is excessive.

    Every stoner’s argument is that “it’s not addictive”, but in reality, anything that changes your mood is addictive. I feel really torn because I don’t want to be controlling but I just don’t want to be around it anymore. I put up with it so much when he lived with me that I’m now frustrated and don’t want to take it anymore. I put my foot down and said no weed around me and he was ok with it at first, until night came and he wanted a hit. It makes me so sad because he does it so much and I feel like he loves it more than he loves me.

    We have already made long term plans and our relationship is serious. But I can’t keep fighting the same fight over and over again.

  • Alexis says:

    I’m posting on here because, this thread is really helping me to know I’m not alone.

    I met my boyfriend about a year ago, I had just come out of a terrible break up where I was emotionally and physically cheated on. It was THE WORST. He was there for me so much and I knew he was an addict to all drugs.

    We realised we wanted to be a couple but he had an issue with my profession (sex industry) and I had an issue with his drug addictions. It makes me servearly uncomfortable and my cousin dies from a drug overdose not long ago.
    I laid out ground rules from the beginning I can’t and won’t be around drugs.
    And he quit ( as far as I know ) he didn’t see his druggie friends and stopped everything.
    I was super proud of him!
    We still has issues around my job but we were working through that.

    Recently however I went to stay at my friends, we had left on sad terms and were contemplating braking up and he bought weed, and smoked it in the house. The next day I tried to face time him. But he wouldn’t answer for some bullshit reason like he just didn’t want to. Turns out he was baked.

    I found that out 4 days after being home at a dinner out. He said, “I was going to tell you when you told me you were proud of me for not doing weed’ because then he wouldn’t be able to lie to my face about it. – lovely I know.

    Despite this flaw in his judgement, It was his first slip up after going cold turkey and as much as it hurt, what hurt more was the deceit. He tells me that he doesn’t want to do it again, he is good now. This drives me crazy, because the main reason I wanted him to stop, was for himself. He was very depressed and using it as an escape. Drugs make me uncomfortable but I’m not above getting high on the very rare occasion. I just don’t approve of the escapism. I believe to be a better person, you should be able to control your own emotions and be creative and open with nature in other ways. Get lost in your self not drugs. He said I showed him he didn’t need to be dependant on it, and he feels he isn’t addicted.
    I disagree based on the fact that he has once again done it behind my back. Because he wanted to ‘taste’ he friends batch.

    He went to see this druggie friend he hasn’t seen for a while because of trying to quit.
    There he ended up asking to try this spliff and he finished it off. Now, before this happened, I was in a terrible anxious state of mind that he would again lie to me and brake a promise. This house he is going to is filled with drugs. I ask him to do be a favour, don’t be took long or at least check in with me because I’m not feeling good.
    First few hours I’m okay, then he says ‘ I’m not sure when I’ll be home, I’m sorry’ this threw me into a complete spiral and my mind starts galloping. Every hoof is a thud around my head telling me he did drugs.

    I ask him to come home which takes him an hour to commit to because he is having fun, and he had a drink. When I find this out I tell him he is an idiot and should not drive.
    I’m left feeling all alone and having an anxiety attack in the shower. He keeps telling me he will be home soon. But doesn’t come. I’ve rang him 6 times and he will not answer, his texts say ‘ I don’t want to answer , people are doing crack and I don’t want the jibberish down the phone’.
    I’m thinking are you kidding me?! I need you. Step away for a minuet. This all gets very out of hand and I’m a complete mess.

    We have just broken up today, as a result of the lies, drugs and just general lack of shits given towards my feelings. Before any of you pro drugs people say that I’m being strict as fuck. I said I’d do weed with him or not be bothered on occasion. Recreationally. His version of this is once a month. Like a subscription to a bloody magazine. To me that’s still addiction, having to say once a month like if you went without one month you’d be fucked.

    Weed is a gateway drug. It’s super addictive because it changes your brain.

    The other half of me says – you love him.

  • Gennie says:

    Hi,
    My boyfriend of seven years is a weed smoker.
    I knew he smokes since we met and at the time I had no problem with it. I’ve tried weed myself a few times, but never felt like it’s something I’d fancy doing often.
    I became worried, when I realised that he smokes daily and is addicted to it. I’ve also got to spend some time with smokers he hung around, and it was clear to me that these are not the people I want to surround myself with.
    We’ ve been going out for about few weeks and I told him that his habbit is something I’m not ok with. I asked him to be honest with me and if it’s something he cannot live with out, we have to go our separate ways. He tried to convince me that his smoking is not a problem, that he isn’t addicted so he can quit whenever he wants to and is willing to do that for me. I guess I was too young and naive, so I trusted him.
    We moved in together pretty soon. I was working as a live-in nanny at the time and the family I worked for was moving to another country. I had to choose between going with them or moving to my boyfriend’s place.
    Few weeks in he became frustraded and annoyed because he couldn’t smoke every evening after work as he was used to. We started fighting, I almost convinced myself of leaving, but apart his weed use, I really liked him and felt like I should not give up. We came to an agreement that he will be able to smoke once in a while, if he really feels like it. Unsurprisingly, he couldn’t keep his promise and whenever he bought some, he had to consume all of it and get some more. Once I had some errands to run in town, I came home to him being totally stoned. We would fight about it every time, but as my anger went down a little, he was able to convince me again that he realises there’s a problem and he now understands he has to quit completely.
    And he did. For a few months.
    We lived in a foreign country and after I quit my first job, I stuggled to find another. We’ve spent all my short savings and his salary wasn’t enough for us to live comfortably. After a few months I decided to go back home and study, as I left home just after graduating school and had no degree.
    Unfortunately, he couldn’t go with me imediatelly, as he owed some money and had to give it back before leaving. As soon as I left, he started using again. Litteraly, he couldn’t even wait that day until I came home safely. On my way home there was a minor car accident, I tried calling him but he didn’t answer. He avoided answering my calls when he was stoned.
    I was so uppset and almost lost hope in saving our relationship. But I loved him and it wasn’t easy to just give up on everything.
    We spent half a year living separately. I was hoping that everything might change when he comes home. I believed that changing the environment will help him with his addiction, as everything and everyone toxic that surrounded him, will stay far away.
    He managed to quit. Almost. He would still have a joint with a childhood friend whenever he visited hometown, but as it happened twice a year, I could tolerate that.
    Yesterday, after five years, I found out that he’s using again. He leaves abroad for work and stays there for five weeks. Apparently, he managed to find a dealer or a fellow smoker and is smoking everynight after work, just as he used to.
    I was so happy about our relationship and felt like after everything we’ve been through, we truly were soulmates. We agreed on most of the things in life, had the same views. We created major plans for our future and it all went to nothing in just one moment. I’m so dissapointed.
    I feel so stupid for trusting him. I may not be in the worst situation as we aren’t married and have no kids. I could just leave. Needless to say, after committing seven years of my life to a relationship that I truly believed in, the decision is not easy.

  • Tammy says:

    Funny thing is this issue reared its ugly head because of a comment my bf made on a completely different topic. He expressed his unshakable view on a condition he has for dating women and I hypothetically asked him if he wouldn’t date me as well while knowing who I am and he says yes, he would not change his view and would break up with me. That really hurt me and as an example, I told him that I normally without never date a guy that smokes weed, ect, but because of how I feel about him, I made an exception. To that he said that he’s not twisting my arm. I’m close to tears as I’m typing this. It’s true that he hasn’t twisted my arm, but by the time he told me that he smokes pot I already liked him a lot.

    I avoided this issue because I was afraid that we would not see each other if I did tell him how much I dislike that he smokes weed. Like other comments that I have read here, he says that it’s to relax him so he can go to sleep easier, but there are so many other options than smoking weed to accomplish that. I feel so hurt. I really like this man, but I feel like we are at an impasse. I don’t want to be with a man that smokes pot, but if he ever quits, I want it to be for him, not just because I want him to. We just started dating in February and he asked me to be his gf in March, so we are definitely a “new” couple. We have faced a couple other issues and talked it through and have continued to get to know each other.

    My boyfriend is so sweet, funny, thoughtful and for the most part, he’s dependable. I have never been with a man that is as tender as he is. He also has this smile that can melt my heart in a second, but knowing that he has another side when he’s high- a side that I don’t know scares me. I feel like I can’t allow myself to fully trust him, because if there’s a side to him that I don’t know, then I don’t really know him. My dad was an alcoholic and I saw how exuberant and fun he could be, but I also know how violent, emotionally detached and unfaithful he was to my mother because of his addiction. I know the substance doesn’t “force” or “make” a person do anything, however it does weaken their self control and their thinking ability. It lowers their inhibitions and quiets that little voice in their head that would usually tell them that whatever they’re about to do is wrong. So I’m scared of what could possibly happen due to my boyfriend’s now legal drug use. I adore this person, and I’m afraid that his use of marijuana with turn him into a husk of the person that I have come to care about so much. This morning we are going to talk about it and I have a feeling that we will break up because of it.

    On a side note, thank you for sharing your many experiences- it was painful reading them, because my heart goes out to you, but it was helpful to me as well.

  • Ali says:

    Reading this is incredibly sad for me, so many young people just beginning to meet this beast of a problem. I have tried without success to get my partner to talk to young men about the devastating effects of smoking marijuana for a while but its a pride issue so he wont. We are in our early 50s and physically fit as are many of our friends who smoke. Its only the husbands, the wives all gave up when they had children. The thing we see is the women all have the same issue, once strong capable men now need to be babied and looked after, they cant take any stress at all, they have serious memory loss which means running businesses are not an option anymore and the worst of all impotence. This is difficult for the women because they need to constantly build up their men’s self-esteem whilst feeling unloved and undesirable themselves. We have only just started talking about it and found so many of us have this struggle. I wish my man would talk to his sons so they dont have to go through it but again the pride is more important than the love for his boys. Some of the women have not made love with their husbands since their 30s but stuck by them, I think this is very cruel to take such an important expression of love from a relationship and I think these men are very lucky to have these wonderful partners stick by them. I will stay with my partner because he has no family other than his sons and they are too young to deal with such responsibility. So my advice is to the young women, if you dont want a partner who requires you to be the sole breadwinner in your 50s and 60s, who no longer can make love even when he has the energy to, who cant be trusted to remember where he leaves his wallet, credit card (not that he remembers the pin) or can work out a quote for a job he has done a dozen times then leave. Its heartbreaking but you have to protect your future.

  • Dory says:

    I am so relieved to know I am not alone. Let me start by saying I am a people pleaser, so it has been really difficult for me to follow what I want and not compromise. I have been in my relationship for 6 years now, 1year living together. I don’t have anything against weed and honestly in some cases even promote it, but like everyone else is saying, it is not ok to abuse it. My partner does it more than 7 times a day, even when at work. I am ready to start a familiy and I don’t want this for my future. I am not saying it’s bad, just that our vision of the future does not allign. It’s breaking my heart but I already had the conversation and I am leaving home this Friday, wish me luck! I am going to pursue what I always wanted and if it’s not this, then I’ll go find it. I’ve only lived one third of my life, not planning to live the rest like this. There are plenty of fish out there you just have to believe in yourself, be strong and go get it. No relationship will be perfect but trust me, you don’t want to deal with addiction.

  • Jazzy says:

    I am on the same page. I have been reading these thread for nights now. Just is my biggest fear with cannabis/marijuana being legal every where. I’m scared of my relationship to fall apart because of this. I am trying to come up with questions and concerns to take to my boy friend to talk about. He has not been using for like 5 months now, as far as I know. How possible it is for him to go back to it especially that it will be legalized soon. I am beyond terrified. We don’t live together currently, but I am thinking of setting limits like I don’t want him to go see me or be around me if he is under influence if he decided to use again. But I am imagining not seeing him a lot and it breaks my heart. Adevices or suggestions anyone?

  • Kris says:

    Hi Aurora, i read like my own thoughts here.. Oh I have very very similar thing. But in worse scenario- my boyfriend is everyday smoker. I try even think that it is better then antidepressants, but… I feel about weed anyway the same like You. We live together and we want family and kids, but.. I don´t know how long i can take it.. and will i… And it is not future what i want for our kids.
    Our relationship is very fresh- we know each other almost a year and live together now about 4 months.
    I am from north Europe and i have zero tolerance about drugs and weed of cource too so it was really challenging to me to try have some tolerance.
    I do not know what i am waiting about.. That my tolerance will be better? That he really stop smoking like he promised? It is true or not? How long i must wait? How long is ok? So many questions and feeling so lonely in this thing. No my relatives no my friend will ever understand my position. He is very good hearted guy but.. It is so hard to see him high every evening.. like it is some stranger beside me.
    So i try a little bit more. I am not letting go so easily but in the same time i am 36 already.. So very soon i must decide something.
    Thank You all for sheering your stories.. I see that i am not only one with this problem and i still didn´t find any positively ended story… But maybe they are not sheering.

  • A says:

    I have the exact same issues, so thank you for sharing.

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half now, and have dealt with my intense discomfort over his smoking. It started half a year in, because up until that point he had hid from me. But spending time with his family, it became apparent that he and his family and friends all partake, so that left me as the outlier as someone who is uncomfortable with it (perhaps because of my upbringing, and because I don’t understand how inhaling smoke and drugs of any kind can be healthy or recreational). Since then, it’s introduced tension into our relationship. It’s tough because if I’d known early on it might’ve been easy to say goodbye, but since time had passed and we’d spent a lot of time together, we fell for each other, and that attachment makes things harder to say goodbye when I normally would have.

    He’s expressed the same sentiments: that I’m close-minded and controlling for not liking it, that it doesn’t change him as a person, and understandably that my aversion to it is uncomfortable for him (just as his use is uncomfortable for me) since for him it’s just ordinary life and how his friends and family spend time together. It’s rough for me too, because this also means I haven’t formed a strong bond with his family or friends because we don’t have this habit in common. To add even more onto it, we live in a small college town where consequently pot has a big presence, so most people do partake.

    I just feel kind of alien. In many ways he’s the person of my dreams, and we do love and care about each other, but I too have the same concerns about moving in together and marriage. I would prefer a pot-free life and a partner who shares that viewpoint. For months we’ve grappled with our togetherness, and I want to be accepting and for everything to be okay. I wish I didn’t care. But the discomfort is ingrained somehow. It’s hard knowing you have a connection with someone, but also a disconnect. I’m not ready to say goodbye yet. It’s scary, even while hitting the reset button on my life could be good. But I thank you for sharing your story and making people like me, who are part of a similar situation, feel a bit less alone.

  • Jean says:

    Amazing story. I can relate.

    My best advice I can give you based on this story.
    Do not compromise. Dump him. Move on with life. Find a boyfriend who has same values as you.

    Do not compromise! This is a deal breaker.
    It will never work out and it will only get worse.

    He is choosing weed over you. You are the most important. Not to him than to yourself.

    Choose you.

    Love and light

    Jean

  • Annie says:

    Reading Ariels post and the comments of others whose partner takes marijuana on a regular basis has made me think about my situation.

    When we first started dating I never would have guessed he smoked “MJ” until he told me. He was healthy, active, played Rugby and had a job. He still has the sweetest personality ever.. very kind most of the time and respectful.

    When we first dated he stopped for couple of months. Than he told me. At first i didnt care. My viewpoint was your body, your money and of course if it makes you happy.

    Than i fell pregnant, asked him to stop. He didnt. Through out my pregnancy.. for 6 months he didnt have a job. When i wasnt feeling sick i went to work. Whatever money i made.. paid the bills and this was and still is the problem.. he asks me for money to buy MJ.

    Now fast forwarding.. our son is 6 months old.. he still has no job. I work.. i am grateful for him looking after our son during the day when im at work. (Baby starts daycare on monday) But the thing that gets me is.. he smokes almost everyday and everynight and im the one paying for it. I find it really hard to reject him when it comes to money. But i give him money it sickens me. That could be used for something else or save for something more important than weed. Only him will benefit by feeling high not me. I do not take marijuana. I get nothing out of it but a zombie.

    I have tried saying no at times when he asks for money.. but he just gets really angry at every little thing and at everyone and am afraid that it will lead to abuse in the future. I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. We both come from single parent families.. And we promised we wouldnt do that to our son. I still dont want too.. but i don’t know what to do. PLEASE HELP.

  • K.Renn says:

    Gabriel Evans, Ariel, and all the people who are trying to compromise, turn the other check, or just ignore the the abuse… don’t waste your time or your life. They are just fooling themselves about using. I welcome any rebuttal….

  • K.Renn says:

    I have read all of the comments you had to offer looking for some glimmer of hope, but it’s all the same. People using pot , alcohol, or both to escape reality ( in the users words “relax” or bring to light some kind of epiphany, insight, or intelligence.) That’s all a bunch of crap. I used alcohol when I was younger…but I have grown up and have taken responsibility in life. I have lost a husband of 18 years to alcohol and after that a boyfriend of 20 years to pot an alcohol. I tried all the things in these comments.These users are just fooling themselves. I just hope their the non-users don’t waste their lives too long like I did. It’s just all a bunch of lies and crap. I welcome conversation on this subject. Thank you

  • Elle says:

    My boyfriend tried it for the first time a year ago. SInce that time it has become a daily thing. I choose not to smoke. WE live together and although I do not like it, I have come to the conclusion that he will continue to do so, SO I asked that he not smoke in the home, go somewhere else. This has driven him INSANE! I have explained that I do not want to force my views on him, but he should not be forcing his beliefs/habits on me. He fails to see my side. He does not want to compromise, and I do not want it in my home, nor do I like watching someone sitting stoned on the couch every single day. This was my house, before he moved in. I have asked him to leave, since I own the house and have nowhere else to go, he can go to his parents.
    It’s weird, but he feels as if smoking in my home is hos right! that it is his right to force myself and my children to live with it. I realize that this is unhealthy and actually unworkable to be with someone who forces me to live with drugs. He wont leave and when I suggest it now he postures towards me as if I will be physically struck. I know people say marijuana is non addictive and “mellows” people out, but honestly he isnt even close to the person he once was.
    I am so lost.

  • Bad Allergies says:

    Those of you that say the smoker cut down or go outside are lucky. Most think you should have no problem with it indoors as how have done it whole life. Legal here but often is 30 degrees outside. Told can live without it or would try to not smoke around me, but reality is cannot live without it and in his and roomies house ‘They smoke weed’. So I guess after a 3yr relationship need to realize what really can deal with or want in the future. Aside from the weed smoke I do not see him wanting to live in a place of our own ever, or there for that matter although will deny this, but for now not best idea. If had a good ventilation system or stepped outside see no problem with it and maybe you non users could be lucky to get a compromise on that with your loved ones and be happy with it! Most of the issues we all are having besides choking ourselves with bad allergies may have to do with issues have with the partner outside the weed, which we probably would not deal with if not a smoker possibly? It is a crutch or blanket to the eyes for both sides in a lot of these situations I’m starting to think. He/she probably would compromise if cared enough about the person to. Think if you would want to continue with same relationship if acted the same without the weed, my advise that should also take.

  • G says:

    Consider those stoned people you don’t feel comfortable around are close important friends, while stoned, to your boyfriend. Moving into a serious relationship and positioning yourself between him and those he is close with isn’t exactly a recipe for success. Keep in mind he may become resentful of this, but even if he doesn’t his friends and brothers certainly will.

    It sounds like you have a deeply entrenched world view on pot and so does he. Unfortunately the two aren’t compatible.

    You are right to feel you should be comfortable in your home and raise children in an environment you feel is both comfortable and safe.

    Likewise your boyfriend is right to feel he should be able to casually entertain his family and friends in his own home.

    I frankly don’t see a way forward, but this is why you talk through these issues so you don’t get married and end up hating each other. Best of luck.

  • Northernlass says:

    You said it yourself, OP: a person deserves to be comfortable in their own home, and you were making your BF very uncomfortable about his future home with you. Probably a good thing this relationship ended: he was likely far more stressed about sharing a home with YOU, than you ever were about sharing a home with HIM. Did you ever think about how uncomfortable you made HIM?

  • Aurora says:

    It is so relieving to read through these comments. No one quite understands my situation or the hurt that it causes me, so coming across this discussion has really helped me. I have not been able to put my thoughts and feelings into words, but when I read these comments I know exactly what each of you are going through.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and just recently he smoked with a few friends and loved it. Now we are in this constant debate on whether it is or isn’t okay for him to continue. We both try to understand each other’s views but neither of us are budging on our position. He told me that despite my opinion, he is going to continue. This is a growing problem because we are planning on moving in with each other within the next year and a half. I am trying to find a compromise that I am truly okay with, but in all honesty I think smoking is disgusting and it saddens me to think of him doing it. I feel like I shouldn’t put him in a predicament of “me or the weed?” but at the same time, I don’t think that should even be a question. I have so many thoughts, I just don’t know what to do. I love him so dearly but this is not how I imagine my future.

  • Wendy says:

    I am in a similar situation. I grew up around drugs and am totally against it. I met my partner 4 years and I found out that he smoked marijuana he soon stopped as I told him that I don’t like it. So he stopped for 4 years but recently he has beginning to Santo do it again and he is. I am so upset and don’t know what to do, we have a baby as well. He does it as it makes him happy. Arnt we enough? He says that he can do what he wants and I can’t stop him. Please help

  • Charles Huyler says:

    I knew my girlfriend used to smoke pot at a young age. When I moved in with her, she totally quit. I’m positive on that. That was 8 years ago. She had a totally crazy fight with her older sister today… I walked by her purse hanging on the chair… And I smelled a skunk….I opened up her pocket, and there was a huge bag of weed and a bowl in there. She gets mad at me for drinking, legal, beer. But she’s been driving around high every morning. How am I going to deal with this? If never smoked weed. I have always been an athlete…. And conservative… And totally against pot. What the heck am I going to do? I flushed all of it and also broke her bowl. I had a feeling she was doing it for quite some time. Now I know why she always took her purse into the bedroom and hid it. Weird I thought. I always asked her about it. Totally lied to me. A lie means there is more she is lying about.

  • JCD says:

    Bawling reading this. It is my story. Except, I’m married and I don’t believe in just walking away. I am trying to navigate this with no compromise from him and it’s breaking my heart.

  • Pau says:

    Dear Ariel, I’m in a similar situation as yours.
    I’m pretty confussed because I dont know what to do. My boyfriend was clean for a while when we started (we have been together for maybe a year and a half) but began to do it again a couple times behind my back, mainly because he was afraid of my reaction. He always tells me he does it mostly because music sounds better that way and whenever he’s happy it makes him feel even better (he deals with depression).
    Recently he told me about it and discussed the possibility of him doing it again (not on a daily basis he says, but you know, Im afraid one thing leads to another and he was certainly a user before)- I have told him multiple times that I dont prohibit weed usage on him (i’m not his mom or anything), but I’m not a fan of it for sure.
    He thinks im close minded and he thinks beer is ‘way worse’, and the few times I have gotten drunk he uses that argument against me, even if he gets drunk more often. I think any substance you become needy of and reclutant to let go off its awful. Now he tells me everytime he’s about to do it, and I try to be calm about it, (he’s trying to tell the truth and change his ways, being sincere even on small things on the relationship, because he likes to decor the truth) but its certainly unconfortable for me.
    I even tried it once without him in order to see what all the fuss was about (didn’t liked it) and I still couldnt see the big deal about it. I am ashamed to say that I start to feel less attracted to him when I picture him high. I know he’s just a human, but everytime I picture him smoking it breaks my heart and makes the image I had once before of him, become “stained”.
    Just like you, pot is not something I visualize in my future, or something I would be glad to have in my household, so the thought of marrying him with those habits, kind of discourages me. We have talked multiple times about marriage and we both love each other madly, we are certain about the life we want to build together, but I just don’t see myself in a future with a marijuana smoker. Any drugs user.
    I know you can’t expect a partner to be your definition of perfect, but this is seriously a deal breaker for me. I don’t want to change him, but I seriously would ratter not marrying or building a future with that side of him. Just like you, I dont want my kids to be in that kind of environment, I dont want them to have a father that has the need to do that behind their backs or even on their faces.
    He also tells me im filled with the anti-drug propaganda, but its not as if I avoid such people in my life. My ex-best friend was a drug user (he’s actually one of the main reasons I dont do drugs and kind of refrain from them) and most of the people in my environment (and his) are drug users and we still are friends. Its just that the thought of him high saddens me deeply. I’m not sure why.
    I have heard from his own mouth that he dislikes the persona he is while high, and by the description, its not someone I would love. I know its still ‘him’ but it confusses me so much. I feel tangled in here.
    I love him to pieces, I just would rather, if given the choice, that the piece of him that does marihuana and its ok with doing acids wouldnt exist. I also feel afraid of telling him this, because I feel like he would once again hide this from me, scared of my reaction.

  • Genna says:

    Ariel, thank you so much for sharing your story. My situation is IDENTICAL and I have struggled greatly, beating myself up for not being ‘accepting enough’ or ‘close minded’. It took me a long time to realize that whatever the basis for your feelings of simply just not feeling ok with it, how your feel is completely ok. Some people don’t want to be around it – the smokers who say it affects nothing, are not being honest with themselves. They do it precisely because it DOES affect them.
    People have different visions and dreams. The future you see for yourself doesn’t have to include pot. When you find someone who’s vision aligns with yours, you’ll wonder why you ever spent so much time trying to compromise yourself, to make your smoking partner feel happy and better. Don’t compromise you – you’re one of a kind 🙂

  • Gabriel Evans says:

    Dear ariel:

    My name is Gabriel and I’m 16 years old and I really love my girlfriend a lot so much that I would do anything for her really. But I always felt that I was alone because my girlfriend has lived a life similar to your boyfriends. She thinks it’s okay to do these “drugs” And think there not even drugs at all. And yes I don’t do drugs as you too. And yes she does it too where she goes to some druggies house with her friends. And yea today she left me for that reason not leaving me in the relationship but just leaving me just to do this stupid drug! Everyday I think about it and sometimes I don’t know what to do anymore. Even today she asks what’s wrong and I tell her and she says ” You can’t do too much pot” Like it’s not that big of a deal and goes on a huge rant over how pot is not a drug and how it doesn’t hurt u at all yes that might be the case but in Texas it’s illegal and I don’t want her to be in trouble for as well of not to be so ” Life dependant” On this drug. But with this all being said it doesn’t affect of how much I love for her it’s how much I worry for her and I feel so weird being around that drug as well I’ve grown up with it all my life with my family but I’ve never done it and I took a vow saying that I would never do it. And of course the one for me does this. Like yay. And when I hung out over at this druggies house they all were doing it and I felt so out of the crowd it scared me so much and I feel so alone my mom says to break up with her but she doesn’t understand how we feel about each other and ive told her that she can change but now I really don’t know if that will be possible but I will keep going on with her I just looked up this topic for the reason of needing help and felt lonely in my shoes and I’m so happy that over found someone like me that is dealing with this same problem. Because sometimes I’ve even cried that I would be put into some horrible stuff because of it or that she will take some other drug because of it with her girlfriends. But yes our relationship is fine just that this has been the splinter in my thumb that I could never get out and it’s getting swollen each and everyday and I’m looking for answers. But my answer to you is that your not alone like a 16 year old is dealing with the same problem and also if you love someone a lot it doesn’t matter if their an ex convict or a high time crack dealer you want to spend the rest of your life with them and that’s where I sit in silence seeing my girlfriend getting high over some cursed drug but as she calls it not a drug. So as for me I let her do it but she has not gotten the hint that I really don’t like it and that I really feel depressed over it because she would rather leave me for it when we’re together. I’m sorry I’ve been texting too much but she does it for her hard life and says she feels depressed which she is but if she was and really wants it to go away I’m here for her and I feel so freaking terrible because I feel like I’m not good enough because she doesn’t talk to me to let go of that feeling instead I’m replaced with a plant and ig that’s why I feel so terrible. But thanks again I hope someone understands how I feel.
    From: gabriel

  • Been there says:

    Your instincts are right so don’t ignore them.
    I just broke up with my boyfriend because I felt that he had become apathetic, unmotivated, never realizing any of his professed ambitions and leaving all the responsibilities to me. I was frustrated and weary of his parasitic behaviour and felt more like a mother than a girlfriend.
    He had quit smoking weed (of which he said he was addicted) because he said it was ruining his life – previously, he had taken countless days off of work and just stayed home in a pot haze, and spent all his money he didn’t have on weed and borrowed thousands of dollars (from me purportedly to pay rent) to pay for it not giving a crap about the people he was lying to because weed was the most important thing to him.
    When he finally quit, his whole personality changed and he was full of life and energy and his eyes sparkled.
    I am open-minded and have no problem with occasional use – I smoked some with my boyfriend to try it but could take it or leave it.
    On the other hand, since it isn’t legal yet, there is always a risk associated with that.
    After a weed-free year, my boyfriend’s personality turned strangely morose and he was, basically, a drag – no energy, no ambition, no money, just an urgency to get back to his house at the end of a night….turns out, he confessed, he was back on pot again and was smoking it frequently daily. He hated himself for it which added to his morose feelings.
    I have done everything I can to be supportive to him and to encourage him to get his shit together but his addiction is stubborn and it is more important to him than me obviously – he has worn me out from trying to accommodate him and I want a better life either as a single woman, or with a partner who is interested in participating in life instead of running from it. He also smokes a pack of cigarettes a day and when he drinks, it is a heavy consumption – all part of his addictive personality. He doesn’t seek help for his addictions. That is only a small part of the story.
    I love him because he is sweet and loving and funny and very charming.
    It hurt me a lot to break up with him but you can see there was no future for us. He is always broke and borrowing from everybody because he can’t afford his habit and this leads to lies and deceptions and it goes on and on. I pay for anytime we go out, meals, anything. He feels no sense of responsibility. Even the breakup – instead of trying to change he just hated himself more and got stoned.
    As I said, follow your instincts and quit while you’re ahead or there could be lots of “fun times” ahead.

  • Sandra says:

    Unfortunately you cant change a person. You can set boundaries; what you are or are not willing to be around- but you cant change him. Boundaries are ultimately for our own well being, and have nothing to do with the other person. You said you didnt like hanging out with drunks or potheads, but you are already sacrificing that part of yourself to appease him when hes out and about. (Honestly if you dont like being around pot smoke, dont do it just to make others comfortable). If he already said pot will ALWAYS be around, and youve already highlighted what you see as a healthy home environment for yourself, then do not move forward.. you arent setting up a marriage with “conditions”. You are expressing your boundaries. Which you are already sacrificing for his comfort.. dont do this to yourself..
    id honestly have a sit down and just say: Look, i love you alot however i am not a pot smoker, and I want to live in a home that is pot free.. especially if we plan on having children. If this isnt something that you want, then i wont be able to move forward with marriage because i need to be with someone who can respect that..” Saying it like that is just telling him what you want but still gives him the ability to choose. You are just telling him where you draw the line. Honestly picture yourself in years from now and ask yourself if youd be happy in this same situation? I mean the other option is to submit and let him do what he wants and be fine with that, but in doing that you wont be happy.. be strong, and realize you dont have to give up your values for anyone. There are plenty of men out there that dont smoke weed, and would love a “good girl”. 🙂

  • Stacey says:

    If I could write this exactly the same but replace the only recreational use with a heavier emphasis on medicinal use for anxiety. I struggle with how much I dislike weed though I have no issues with it being legal medically or recreationally and am friends with many smokers and understand how much worse alcohol can be (he barely drinks) I just don’t want it in my relationship. I’ve tried to convince him to take edibles but I know deep down it just bothers me in all forms for no real reason, I’m looking for help in understanding why I feel that way though I understand the benefits. I feel incredibly selfish knowing it helps with occasional anxiety and just asked that he shares when he has or plans to smoke, he has told me absolutely not, that’s like telling someone when you “take your pills”. Any suggestions/help?

  • Hanna peterman says:

    I am in a similar situation. My boyfriend of 3 years now smokes constantly. All day everyday. It had taken over his life. He doesn’t have a job.. his only hobby is sitting at home watching TV. As ironic as it may sound, his dream is to become a police officer.. but he won’t do it because he would have to stop smoking pot. He won’t stop smoking and he had no ambitions. I’m not okay with him smoking at, but I don’t have an opinion on it. I never have and I never will. I don’t think you should have to compromise on the situation. It seems to me that he isn’t willing to compromise. You shouldn’t have to suppress your feelings.. you won’t ever truly be happy if you can’t be open with him. You may have outgrown him.. but I might be deflecting my feeling onto your situation.

  • Stephen3k says:

    Honestly, you just answered all of your own questions while telling this long story.

    “I, on the other hand, have a philosophical problem with drugs in general ”
    (Sounds like you have the problem)

    “It’s not fun to me.”
    (Doesn’t have to be. He’s doing it for himself)

    “but I could not be comfortable with it in my own home.”
    (Why can’t you?)

    “I feel like the one place a person deserves to be comfortable is in his own home”
    (Yes, and because this is what he enjoys using, especially to relax. Im sure he feels the exact same way.)

    “and I just don’t accept him for the person he is. According to his perspective, I’m just looking to change him.”

    (EUREKA! Therein lies the problem. You don’t accept him, so obviously if you’re upset by him just being himself, you ARE looking to change him, starting with his behavior.)

    “According to him I have no idea what I am talking about because I have never experienced it. And in a way, he’s right. I don’t have the same points of reference as he does”

    (He is absolutely right. You have no personal experience with this substance outside of what you’ve observed based on his ‘outlandish’ (Lol) actions and how he’s spending his time. Your own subjective opinion has no basis for understanding, and I can absolutely guarantee that you haven’t done any research yourself on the subject, outside of what other ignorant people have shared with you.)

    “There are other ways to live life and I am just too closed-minded to accept this.”

    (Wow, where therein lies another one of your problems. You’re too close minded to Accept him and accept ‘this.’)

    I feel like I have made steps to give him a compromise — he doesn’t have to give it up, but it just won’t be something that will be participated in at home. My boyfriend will not step any closer to my side, however. He says that pot WILL be around and he doesn’t want to have a marriage based on conditions.

    (Sounds like you have a problem with a relatively benign substance that your boyfriend uses to relax and enjoy himself. I believe that your perception of this plant is heavily tainted with the negative opinions of the people you choose to listen to. The fact that you don’t want him to use this substance to enjoy himself, based on absolutely no real knowledge on the subject, and you refuse to see his side due to your biased programming is exactly WHY he won’t step to your “side.” It is ridiculous. This is no compromise.)

    In my opinion, I would do some research, use your “Philosophies” to dive deeper into yourself and simply ask yourself:

    “Why do I have such a problem with the substance, other than my social programming?”
    “What don’t I really like about it?”
    “Is it the smell?”
    “Is it the way he acts?”
    “Is it because we are distant now?”
    “Why do I really feel it is innapropriate?”

    And then you can begin to ask yourself if MAYBE just maybe, YOU might be the one with the problem, not him.

    So to sum it up:

    It’s not fun to you

    You can’t be comfortable with it in your own home

    You don’t accept him for who he is

    You have no basis for an opinion on the subject because you quite literally, don’t know what you’re talking about

    You even admitted that you’re too close minded to accept this. Lol.

    Also, a marriage built on “conditions” implies that neither couple trusts the other enough to allow them to just be themselves to the fullest degree. Conditions might as well be called “Restrictions.” This is another arrow pointing towards the fact that you don’t accept him, nor do you trust him enough, by placing restrictions on his behavior in some kind of sacred vow.

    Why are you even here?

    If you want really get to the root of your problem, simply ask him:
    Why do you smoke?
    Can you explain to me what it does?
    What are some things that you like about it?
    What are the positive effects?
    What are the negative effects?
    Do you feel like you need it?
    Does it change the way you think?
    Do you feel happier when you’re high?
    Do you feel sad when you’re not?
    Why?
    Do you think I am uneducated on this substance?
    Would you mind educating me?

    You can then gain a more broad understanding of his side, and learn something about yourself in the process.
    That is a true compromise. At least attempting to understand his side of all of this.

    At the end of it all, you can either:
    -Accept him for who he is and what he enjoys doing
    -Keep speaking up until he understands your side better and decides to allow your restrictions on him, or opens up to you so that you can have a better understanding of his habitual use.
    -End the relationship. Obviously it’s not going to work out.

  • Angie says:

    Oh my God I can SO relate to this right now I just want to cry. My spouse has always been a smoker and he lies about getting it, how he gets it and wastes money doing it when we can’t afford it. I have tried talking to him about it but he gets defensive. When he is stoned it is the biggest turn off. I do not do drugs due to my profession and I have two small children. I worry he could get caught with it and I could lose my kids. He has told me numerous times he was only going to do it once in awhile but he gets it every other day. He gets fronted, or his friends give him some for free or he flirts with his dealer. I just can’t handle this much longer. I am so unhappy

  • What a to do says:

    I am also in a very similar situation. I’ve been with my partner for nearly 2 and a half years and I’ve known of his cannabis use (he vapes it) from the outset, but I’ve also warned him from the outset that his use of it could potentially be a deal-breaker.

    He managed to stop smoking for some time and then we broke up after a stressful time and an argument over his usage (he became a bit deceptive and covert about it) and when we got back together he admitted he had restated his usage several months before.

    I have a ‘history’ with cannabis which involved a relationship with a user who was only pleasant when stoned but was an aggressive unpleasant person when straight.

    I then smoked it for a while with my long term partner and became very depressed and paranoid.

    I’ve worked with drug users and been around enough people who smoke cannabis to see the effects it can have psychologically and financially ( one ex-boyfriend used to claim he never had any money but could justify £30 on cannabis as a ‘treat

    Because of this I have a strong dislike of the substance and little respect for users of it

    I too am at the stage in my relationship where we are talking about living together and knowing that my bf had told my friend he has ‘no intention of quitting’ I am worried about our shared home, as I too do not want his ‘pot mates’ in my home smoking it (especially around my teenage son who is also against drugs)

    I have contemplated letting him go as we are clearly morally different in our opinions about drugs, but I also love the man and would love a life with him, but I struggle to see how we can live together when for me, cannabis is a deal breaker.

    The hardest part to swallow is finding out his supplier is a female friend of his who also happens to be the mother of one of my son’s pals. I now have told my son I don’t want him going to his house again, and my respect for her has dissipated too.

    Makes for a conundrum and one I don’t have an answer for

  • I get it says:

    It would be awful to be in a similar situation but also married with kids. Finding someone where there is mutual admiration and respect for each other is ideal. Leave now while you can before kids and find someone with shared values. Marriage is a lifelong journey.

  • CameraGirl says:

    Ariel,
    Stanton’s answer was a non-answer – even though he hit the nail on the head, he didn’t drive it in. You’ve only had a couple of years with this guy and a man like this who wouldn’t “have marriage based on conditions,” is immature to the nth degree! Say good bye before things get worse and you have a child that ends up fatherless. This sounds harsh, but it’s better than waiting. He loves his weed and won’t ever, ever give it up – not for you, or anyone. You won’t be able to keep it out of your house, that’s impossible. There is a guy out there for you, he’s just not it. Good luck.

  • Danielle says:

    I read the first post and then I discovered all those comments. All of you are in my shoes as I” in yours.
    I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and he never kept from me the marijuana abuse/use.

    He used to drink A LOT and after he left for a whole night lying , getting drunk , doing cocaine etc… he had stopped drinking since I left for a week.

    I tought I could deal with the marijuana and I” still trying to convince myself that is a natural herb but I’m struggling .

    Leave him? Deal with this ? Are there any good websites I can learn from ?

    And about the POST…my story is identical .

  • Elizabeth Orozco says:

    My family has always smoked weed and it never effected me. I started smoking pot from MY OWN choice like every other teenager that doesn’t have the perfect home like all you whiny girls. Me and my fiance have known each other through middle school all the way to today. We had the same kind of life but we are individual. We both went through things that a child should never experience and the weed was the only thing that protected us and did no harm. In elementary a cop brought weed to the school to show us and we held it in our hand and got to smell it. But they wouldn’t bring any other drug. A cigarette has aged my grandparents and they lost years of their lives. My family has all kinds of cancer and my mother is too scared to see if she does have it. Weed treats cancer and it take her fear away. Me and my boyfriend smoke together and it actually helped us talk and even if we don’t smoke weed were still the same. We love each other. I wouldnt tell him to quit cigarettes in front of my kids, I wouldn’t tell him he can’t drink, I wouldn’t tell him he cant play violent games in front of them. Because every person is an individual even a child. Children know who’s a good person and who isn’t regardless if they see a beer in their hand. It’s how you treat people not just what you do. If he is willing to not smoke in your face and only do with friends and family then what is so wrong. Because he didn’t listen when you said no. That’s so stupid every woman and man has had one thing they won’t change about themselves for no one. Your family can over look the fact but they can comment all they want just like you. If every deserves to be comfortable in their home why can’t we.

  • Nancy says:

    I have been in a 9-year “relationship” with a weed smoker. It was about 6 months into the relationship that he disclosed this to me. I am a former police officer and was not brought up with drugs or alcohol. But he was never a “social” smoker, so I let him be. But he gets lazy ans forgetful when he smokes. he says he only takes a “hit” a few times a day, but I know where he stashed his weed and I can see the amount he goes through. So it is more than what he is indicating to me. He now sneaks out to buy his pot and tells me he is going elsewhere. I think the worst part is that he thinks I am so stupid.

    We have all our financials integrated, house, boats, 2 cars, etc. I met him after coming off a divorce where the money and assets were mine previously, but I had to give up more than half of them to the previous freeloader. That also ruined my credit. So all the new assets that me and my “smoker” have now are in his name because I had no credit.

    We had run into to financial difficulties where I was paying the bills out of the little social security I get to get by. He knew this, but he was spending money on his weed. I know he buys less than he says, too.

    But the weed I feel has affected his memory. He says things to me that hurt me immensely, then he denies saying them, And this is within a minute or so after he says them. Then we get into an all out screaming fight. Then he says that I ‘twisted” what he said so I had an excuse to fight with him.

    I never bring up the weed thing. So there are no fights about that, just fights that emulate from his actions of smoking the crap.

    If I leave, he owns everything and I will be homeless with no money. At times I have been feeling suicidal because I am so trapped. I don’t know what to do….

  • Sharon says:

    This is EXACTLY what I am going through. I have been in a 3 1/2 year relationship with my boyfriend and his smoking controls my life. He smokes every day. I try to put limits on him and control him and it does not work. He will always choose the smoking over compromising. He doesn’t want to compromise and that freedom. I never had a problem with smoking until my relationship with him. It’s not a moral issue with me but I feel so uncomfortable with him and it. I especially get anxiety when he rolls. When we are in social gatherings, I’m not invited because of my anxiety. I feel left out of friendships and struggle with my anxiety towards his smoking every day and I don’t know what to do.
    My friends’ boyfriends smoke as well and no one cares so I can’t confide in them because they don’t understand me.
    When he comes home from work, I know he wants to smoke so I walk around the neighborhood, or take the longest showers ever.
    We get into the WORST fights of yelling and talking down to each other. Some times I can’t control me anxiety about it and take it out on him and it’s horrible. I don’t know what to do
    If anyone wants to talk about this, I would LOVE that

  • Dewayne says:

    I don’t have a comment on people’s personal lives but from an addiction standpoint it is impossible to be physically addicted to marijuana. In a world that sells cigarettes and booze which are very bad for you on every street corner gas station and grocery store in America and we have legalized drug dealers we call doctors pushing antidepressants painkillers and all sorts of drugs on us marijuana seems to be a sane choice. Just one man’s voice. Total advocate also.

  • Elephantinroom says:

    I am engaged and my fiancee smoke weed periodically. We have been apart for over 40 years and he still spoke periodically. Friends and some family will drop by periodically and spoke to. I have shared my concerns since t is not legal in our area. He smokes cigarettes too and I have shared concerns as well. I know I can’t change him. I am concerned with the affects on my life ( second hand smoke and charges if caught even if I don’t smoke). He is trying to stop smoking cigarettes and don’t smoke as much. I try to remove myself as much as possible from the second hand smoke. I am going to advise him he will need to use and keep his weed outside of our home until he
    decides to quit or whatever. Is this a fair compromise?

  • Lacey says:

    Wow this hits close to home for me..me an my boyfriend been together a year. When we first got together I didn’t know he smoked. But later on into it found out he smoked when he was with his friends. I told him I didn’t like it an didn’t want someone that did it around my kids. It’s the way I was raised no drugs. So he done good stopped for a few months now I found out hes started again when he’s with his friends even though he knows I hate it and was disappointed in him. I don’t what to do I love him and talked about life together but I just dont know if I can deal with it.

  • kell says:

    hi my bf whom ive been with for 16months is addicted hes been smoking since he was 14yrs ol he is now 34, he gets moody an yells when he has no choof always argue evan giving him a beautiful baby boy wont change his mind to quitting can someone help i dont want to lose this relationship i love him and want to help him

  • Elisa says:

    I’m living the same thing Tawny I feel so controlling but we are from two different worlds. When I met him he would do it every night before bed and weekends twice a day. He told me originally it was once in a while we clearly had different definitions on once and a while. When we started getting serious I said that I couldn’t live with that. I had never done it, i was recently divorced with two kids and I got married young. I never lived my teens like the average I think. I’m a true good girl… i feel that I’m so judgemental it drives me crazy but I just don’t understand it. We agreed on twice a month and never with my kids!! My kids leave for their dads every weekend. He was respecting our agreement but everytime I felt angry inside I didn’t like seeing him stoned it turned me off! So I decided to try it to see if I understood better . I got sick .. I tried again and I felt ok. I didn’t love the feeling but more of the time I spent with him I felt less judgmental and less anal about how things are supposed to be . I was raised drugs alcohol bad and I still think that but I don’t know why?? What is the difference from cigarettes or drinking wine to relax. I’m still on the fence I’ve done it with him a few times after that. He’s told me than when we would have kids he would stop. I’m now 10 weeks pregnant i found out when I was 4 weeks pregnant and he has not smoked since. But I get anxious about it. I know if he wasn’t with me he would be doing it. When we go on his side family or friends there is some but he doesn’t but I feel horrible when he says no. I wonder if inside he resents me? Or if just doesn’t mind? Does he miss it? Am I just being controlling! I hate it I wish it didn’t existe!!! I have to say my boyfriend is an amazing man he tells me I’m pretty everyday he helps me with chores. My kids want to call him dad he is so involved with them like his own! We’ve been together 2 years and now I’m pregnant. Am I being too controlling!? Should I let him should I ignore it? Would he fou it behind my back? I get anxious about this. Would I feel different if it was legal? I wouldn’t like him to smoke cigarettes either and I get upset if he drinks more than three beers in a night. I don’t like when it hinders the person it changes them. I’m 29 he’s 28 out party days of drinking I feel is what you do when you were young now grow up?!

  • Kiyomi says:

    Ariel,

    Your story is very similar to mine. I have decided to breakup with my boyfriend of 2 years. I knew he smokes pot from the beginning of the relationship, however I thought he’s just socially smoking here and there. We moved in together a year ago, and I came to realization that he smokes everyday and he smokes the mj concentrate, he vapes while driving . He won’t contribute to financial liabilities , however, he would spend 10k on his bangs . He also deals it. Everytime we fight over this issue, he gets more and more distant from me. The only thing kept us together was that I was actually addicted to this twisted relationship and wanted to fix it. It is the co dependency. I have to quit this relationship cold turkey and find my own happiness back. The addicts will always choose their addiction over their relationships.

  • Jane says:

    Maybe I should leave my boyfriend. He said he would do what he wanted, but if we get serious it will just be the same situation. He wont want to be told what to do and I’ll leave. This is about weed and other drugs by the way. It’s totally against everything I know and I simply cannot cope with it.

  • John says:

    Dear Ariel,

    I feel your pain and frustration. Your story sounds identical to mine. When my girlfriend first told me about her marijuana use, I thought I could deal with it and I did to some extent but when she started smoking it in her home when I visited it made me feel very uncomfortable. As time went on and we talked about moving in together she removed it from her home and really decreased her usage.

    We like you have discussed marriage and are now living together. Since moving in with each other her smoking habits are very rare which is nice but my outlook on marriage has changed. We still have heated discussions about her usage and with Canada about to legalize pot, I’m not sure where that will leave us.

    John

  • Karin says:

    Dear Stanton, I myself have a similar situation. A relationship of 1.5 years living together that ended because where pot use I was a significant issue. There were other stresses as well, I myself suffer from a lack trust due to an old history of alcohol/drug that took place in my younger life and he has major defenses because of failed marraiges and relationships. He has children and I never married or had children. We are both musicians and very connected. We have both been through a lot of hurt but weren’t able to work with one another. Towards the end he was angry and pulled away, not even the same person. He was smoking throughout the day. I tried it with him to demystify it all but in heart I know it’s not how I want to feel. I know it isn’t authentic and although I appreciate its relaxing effects, trust with someone has to be more important. The relationship has to be cared for. So we seperated. It was terrible. I gave my all and he seemed to carry on just fine. Over the past 3 months I worked on myself as an independent artist and my own person. I was around pot on my own and did smoke it occasionally. Why? Because I quit alcohol over a decade ago and weed is everywhere I turn. Maybe I am lacking in strength. Maybe I just want to throw in the towel. We have talked recently. Even visited and reunited. The love is there but so is the weed. I have a therapist. I dont want to hurt myself in this. He says he has learned a lot and has missed me and always wanted it to work out. He knows I dont want to be around weed on a daily basis and says he is willing to try limiting it and keeping it recreational and with control. He says he lost it with what was happening to us but doesnt smoke like that anymore. He is a functional daily user and has been all his life. He uses it to treat anxiety. He has tried prescription drugs but they dont work. We had been engaged. Now he and I are talking about a future with each other again. I love him more than I ever have but scared to death all of it will go down the same path. He used to leave if we fought and I wouldnt hear from him for hours. If I got him on the phone I could tell he was stoned and didnt really want to deal with me. That was the past….I have changed but not at my core. I It would take something of a miracle for me to not be threatened by his weed use. As I am in the midst of seeing him as of late this article helped. The difference is that my guy is now seeing my importance because he lost it. He is saying he wants to be by my side and do what it takes. But is this realistic? I have doubt and it already has brought up concern. I dont want to get hurt by this person again.

  • CW says:

    I would really like to know how this panned out. I am having the same issue with my long-term boyfriend, and I don’t know what to do. I just wish there was a simple way to handle things, but there never is. I love him so much, but I can’t stand the thought of pot being in my (or our- possible future) house. Maybe if it was legal in this state, I would feel differently.

  • Kayte says:

    Ariel. Well written indeed. I am in the exact same kind of relationship. My bf of 2 and a half years also smokes most days and i cannot stand it. I told him earlier today that its affecting our relationship. I feel it is the reason he wont move out of mums place (hes 37) and move in with me. Cos he knows i dont wanna see it. I see him sneeking around my backyard when im in the toilet or shower quickly having a puff. The reason he wont socialise, move out/in with me, the decision making process behind every single thing. We see eachother on a schedule of his Wednesday night Nd sat night.. if im busy or need to change it to thursday instead he freaks out cos its change. It is very frustrating. Sex life has also died out. I really dont want it for my future (if there even is one with him) . I can imagine what it would be like living with him. He also smokes with the brothers and mates and made a comment like am i suppose to tell me bros no my mrs wont let me. Well no but surely he can see that its affecting us but has made it clear it wont change. So im leaving. I need to finally be selfish and think about myself and my future. Im 33 not getting younger and want kids.

  • Karley says:

    Wow. Such an well written piece. I’m in the same boat. Bf smokes, I dont. He used to wake and bake all day. I never felt like I had a say in what he did, and knew it was something that if we were going to be in a relationship, wouldn’t stop. We went to Europe for a month where he couldn’t snoke. Also, when we got back he needed to find a job and we started semester at a university. First semester he didn’t go to school, now he does. I realize that now he has a job, he isn’t worried about not smoking. This is the first weekend he’s had weed in a loooong time. I’m worried hell get into the habit of wake and bake all day and it will affect his job, his education and our relationship. He says he wants to treat it like drinking, only on evenings and weekends, but I’m weary of that. His brothers, like your boyfriends, also introduced him to weed. We’re a little young into the relationship to be getting married. I live at his place so I don’t feel like it’s my place to say he should not wake and bake or do what he wants at his place, but I have the same feelings when it comes to getting a place together that isn’t just his. I don’t want weed in the house and especially around kids if we have any. I know he isn’t going to quit and I feel it’s acceptable in social situations at others places too ir other people houses or parties. I wish there was more insight from what exactly to do but I guess I’ll have to let this play out and see if he treats it like alcohol on weekends or if he’ll get back into the wake and bake mode. Anywayd, glad to see im not alone. Thanks.

  • Girlfriend says:

    Ariel,
    Stanton,
    Hi I am a 49 year old woman from a set of hippy parents and when mom and I met step-dad we entered into much of the same situation you looking at.
    Professional, smart as all get out, responsible to a fault (in some ways)… I hope to impress upon you that there was a separation, a divide, that grew in our family from that point forward when mom moved into a “I’m over that phase now” and stepdad remained a daily pot smoker. I have 2 younger sisters who grew up with it all around. It affected us all differently, but after 40 years of marriage, my mom has been forced to put her foot down and leave because the long term effects of that type of substance are quite different than short term. The smoke is a divisive addiction and I am in a relationship with a smoker now too. I am feeling ALL of the same things you described about the one who doesn’t partake. I can assure you I was not always Polly Anna and I know how it feels to partake it still feels the same as you described now that I am on a different “buzz”. (We call it the “natch” meaning natural)… I so hope you follow what you know you need and don’t compromise too much. ☮??

  • Tawny says:

    Dear Ariel,

    Reading your story has put a perspective on my own situation.
    My boyfriend uses and when we initially got together he smoked daily, when we moved in together I said things had to change and he had to cut down because it wasn’t going to become a part of my daily life as well.
    He stuck to this and he cut down and only smoked on a Friday night and would go to his friends house, recently I have said to him that before we buy a house and have children I would like him to quit and he has abstained from smoking now since 23/12/2015 which for him is an achievement, and I am proud of him for this.
    This weekend we had a row though, as he feels that if he were to smoke once a month this shouldn’t be a problem as he wouldn’t be doing it around me and it wouldn’t be in the house. I firmly said no and reminded him of the promise he made to quit. I now feel like I am being too harsh, he has shown me how much I mean to him and our relationship and I now feel I am trying to control this aspect of his life, which was never my intention.
    I respect that you compromised with your partner and were okay with him doing it around his friends/brothers etc. I think you are completely within your right to say that when you get a house together you want for it to be a smoke free zone as it is not just his space anymore and as much as you give him respect and are okay with him smoking with others, he needs to show you the same level of respect by accepting that it is a fair comment to not have it smoked in or around the family home.
    I understand that it takes a lot of time to get through to your partner about their habits and being able to come to an agreement as I have been having the same trouble.
    I know I haven’t helped much, but I think you have helped me in my situation and that I am being a little too controlling and demanding by asking him to stop completely, as it is something he was open about with me right from the start and I knew what I was getting myself into. He asked for a compromise of once a month being able to smoke with his pals an I think that is a fair deal.
    Again sorry I haven’t really helped much in your situation, but I want to thank you for helping me in mine.

    Tawny

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